A long while ago, you wrote an incredible piece of general advice for teenage boys. The advice was so excellent that I clipped it out to keep in case I ever had a son. Well, years later, I have a son. But I no longer have that precious piece of paper.
My son is only 9 months old, but I am worried that by the time he is a teenager, you will have retired to some fancy ranch where you will spend your days raising organic cattle, being nasty to the local genetically-modified-wheat farmers, and passing the afternoons on the porch sipping gin from a teacup while terrorizing the local boys with a Super Soaker.
But I digress. Any chance you could reprint your advice for teenage boys? I know that I, my partner, and my son will all appreciate it.
GGG Lady Lover And Mama
Congrats on the birth of your son, GGGLLAM, and here, at your request, is my advice for the hard-up teenage boy:
You’re having a hard time getting girls. That sucks. I remember what it was like when I was a young teenager and wanted boys and couldn’t get any. It sucked. But the sad fact is that most young teenage boys are repulsive—that is, they are half-formed works in progress. Girls mature physically more quickly than boys, which means most girls your age already look like young women and they’re generally attracted to (slightly) older boys—and there you are, aching for your first girlfriend, but still looking like a short, hairless chimp.
But don’t despair, HUTB. Your awkward/repulsive stage will pass. In the meantime, here’s what you need to do: Worry less about getting your young teenage self laid and start thinking about getting your 18- or 20-year-old self laid. Join a gym and get yourself a body that girls will find irresistible, read—read books—so that you’ll have something to say to girls (the best way to make girls think you’re interesting is to actually be interesting), and get out of the house and do shit—political shit, sporty shit, arty shit—so that you’ll meet different kinds of girls in different kinds of settings and become comfortable talking with them.
Some more orders: Get a decent haircut and use deodorant and floss your teeth and take regular showers and wear clean clothes. Go online and read about birth control and STIs, and learn enough about female anatomy that you’ll be able to find a clitoris in the dark. Masturbate in moderation—no more than 10 times a day—and vary your masturbatory routine. I can’t emphasize this last point enough. A vagina does not feel like a clenched fist, HUTB, nor does a mouth, an anus, titty fucking, dry humping, or e-stim. If you don’t want to be sending me another pathetic letter in five years complaining about your inability to come unless you’re beating your own meat, HUTB, you will vary your routine now so that you’ll be able to respond to different kinds of sexual stimulation once you do start getting the girls.
Good luck, kiddo.
(The above advice was for a straight teenage boy. Gay teenage boys should read “boys” where I said “girls,” “anus” where I said “vagina,” “prostate” where I said “clitoris,” and “fist” where I said “fist.”)
I am a 27-year-old male, identify as bisexual, and enjoy crossdressing—although I have only crossdressed with guys I meet online. I have no real desire to meet guys unless I’m dressed up. And when I do get together with a guy, once I cum, I’m ready to leave. I can’t see myself in a relationship with a guy.
With females, I can see myself getting married and having kids, etc., and when I have sex with a woman, I’m not in a cum-and-go mentality. But when I’m dating a girl, after about a month, I start to float back to jerking off while chatting—just chatting, not meeting up—with guys who found my online crossdressing profiles. I know I could try to get a gal to use a strap-on on me, but that doesn’t really appeal to me. I like flesh-and-blood cock.
Do I hold out for a gal who is open to me having the odd bisexual encounter or do I learn to use my imagination a bit more during strap-on play? I thought in the past that I might be gay, but I figure since I have no desire to date men and can’t see myself with a guy long-term, I must be bi. What are your thoughts?
Sorry If This Question Is A Little Scatterbrained
First, SITQIALS, I’m sorry if my response is a little scatterbrained. I’m on vacation and currently in something of an impaired-state holding pattern over the Pacific Ocean. I didn’t read all of today’s Savage Love mail—yours was the first letter I pulled from the stack—because the shit that’s impairing me is forcing me to take it easy. How easy am I taking it? So easy that I’m not going to change “cum” to “come” in your letter.
Anyway, yeah, it sure sounds like you’re into women, SITQIALS—even your fetish screams “into chicks.” Your crossdressing and role-playing
fantasies are all about your bone for women and femininity. You dig women so much, you want to play the role of the woman—you want to look like a woman, be treated like a woman, get fucked like a woman. But in your fantasy scenarios, SITQIALS, men aren’t human beings and sex partners, men aren’t people with whom you could potentially have relationships, they’re props, the finishing touch that completes your ensemble.
And once you blow your load, once the game is over (once you COME), you’re done, you don’t need that prop anymore, and you just want to scram.
So what do you do? Well, I think your fetish makes you pretty damn near incapable of monogamy, and you’ve already discovered that strap-ons don’t meet your particular needs. So, yeah, I think you should hold out for a woman who’s into your fetish and turned on by the idea of sharing your ass—when it’s wearing panties—with a few good men. It’ll mean a longer search for the right woman, which you should be willing to do, because you’re worth it.
You might want to Google “autogynephilia.” Not saying that’s where you’re at or headed, don’t know enough about it to endorse it, but… it seemed relevant, food for thought, the more you know, etc.
I have two things to ask/say: (1) Could you remind people that if they’re going to cheat on their partner, to use protection? (2) Could you give me advice on getting over my ex-girlfriend? She ended things pretty terribly (see question 1), yet I’m still having a hard time letting go.
Broken Up
(1) People, if you’re going to cheat on your partner, please use protection. It’s quite literally the least you can do. (2) Fuck other people—lots of other people. But if you were the one who dumped her, with cause, after she cheated, and she wants to get back together, well, sometimes forgiving someone for cheating is easier than getting over them. Only you know if this is one of those times.
CONFIDENTIAL TO CALIFORNIA: Congratulations!
@50 – “Basically, indicating interest isn’t rocket science.”
It may not be rocket science, but I don’t really think you appreciate the extent to which these things are learned and not completely innate. It’s not just about “indicating interest”; it’s about having a little insight into how your words might be heard by that subject of interest, and thus knowing how to indicate interest in a way that doesn’t come off as offputting, needy, hackneyed, etc. The point @48 is trying to make is that this is what can easily get glossed over.
@48: “There’s a whole messy tricky part in there, where you have to learn all of these new social skills.”
Another honest question: Like what? What new social skills do teenaged boys need to learn that haven’t been mentioned here? Be witty and charming? I think that pretty much applies to everyone.
I’m baffled. But I admit it, I’m not a guy, I’m no longer teenaged, and I may just not understand. Or maybe I’m just not the kind of woman you’re talking about; I’ve been told before that my approach to dating is unusually pragmatic.
@52: “offputting, needy, hackneyed, etc.”
I think asking someone out for a beverage in a public place is a fairly useful, non-threatening, open way to approach anyone, whether it’s someone you don’t know as much or someone you know quite well.
If we’re asking for more specific, concrete advice than “indicate interest but don’t creepy her out!” yet potentially applicable to any number of situations and women, then I do believe that’s probably one of the more helpful ideas.
I agree these things are learned. Part of learning is practising and doing it. If the coffee line never works for you, then by all means you should try something else. It’s a way of getting started, which particularly suits a teenaged demographic.
Asking a girl out for a coffee isn’t just an approach for dating, but it’s just good for learning to socialize in general, especially in the close-quarters way that involves just two people.
It’s also another way of “not obsessing” about sex. It *could* end up there, but it might not. You might just end up parting ways or even better, gaining a friend. That’d help a guy too in meeting more girls later.
I wouldn’t be worried about “hackneyed” unless you’re using some kind of cheesy pick-up line your uncle taught you. Or if you plan to turn your romantic life into a movie script.
Good column for being written in a plane while drunk. Giving sex advice to teenage boys is like trying to train rocks to dance, but it was a valient effort.
Dan, I love that whenever you’re in a plane you’re always drunk. I miss those days- fucking sobriety, man.
I only like boys who have interests. Interests other than sex. Unless it’s in sex-advice or something, then that would be okay. I had many passions in school; why would I have wanted a guy who had none? You get a chance to see someone alive in their face, in their eyes. When they talk about X, it makes them beautiful. And sure, if it’s video games, they might want to find a gal who likes the same–because no one wants to be a widow–one wants to share a passion. And if it’s comics, well, there are female comic book geeks too–who long for a fanboy who isn’t hopelessly misogynistic.
God, I feel sorry for Dan’s son. His opinion of teenage boys should considered abusive in any one in charge of raising a teenage boy.
The number one advice that should be given to adolescent boys is to not listen to females or column writing gay dudes about, dating, relationships, self-improvement, developing their identities, or anything really.
If all they learn through their high school years is how to be uncompromising and unapologetic about who they are and their interests, they’ll be fine.
And girls don’t mature faster than boys in any way other than physically.
@58: Do you have a teenage son? I do. I think it’s pretty damn good advice. “Look after yourself, try to be an interesting person, and focus on the man you are becoming – and who you want him to be – not the boy you are today,” makes a lot of sense to me. I could have used that perspective myself.
“Don’t take advice from females or gay dudes, and never compromise or apologize for yourself,” reads a lot like advice for developing into a sexist, homophobic, asshole. Not what I want my son to become, thanks.
@58: How is preaching self-confidence and self-improvement bad? Way to sound overly defensive and trollish while in effect agreeing with the column. I guess you win, too, because you got two of us to feed your trolling. Kudos?
From California to Mr. Savage: Thanks! It’s pretty nice to know that someone here still remembers why we have a representative system.
Most of the people (men and women) in the 18-26 age group are complete tools without depth, experience, or knowledge. The advice for young men to get a shave and a haircut and go talk to women in the pursuit of sex is conventional as all fuck. If you want to see where conventional leads, look at the older generations and their dilapidated, torn-up psyches. Male heterosexuality is completely unlike bi, gay, or female experience. It is a gauntlet and the first enemy is yourself. Shoehorning yourself into a young female’s life agenda is a sorry-ass way to throw your life and potential away. I know 50 year olds still damaged from this idea that a woman completes a man, or that a man needs sex to be happy, etc., etc. The fastest way to accelerate understanding of women is to make real platonic female friends.
Thanks for the congrats, Dan – I speak for all intelligent Californians who recognize that the issue here is not just same-sex marriage – it’s more one of upholding the equal rights protection enshrined in the 14th Amendment. Anyone with half a brain should be thrilled with the outcome, be they gay or straight, conservative or liberal. (If it means anything, I’m gay and liberal, but have no immediate interest in getting married.)
This was a victory for common sense, and I hope that it prevails when the Supremes consider it. I’m hopeful, since Kennedy is clearly the swing (!) vote here, and he has already expressed views that portend a favorable outcome.
But I have to confess to gloating over the fact that the real defendants in the case (California, represented by Jerry and Arnie) are thrilled with the decision, and have unequivocally stated that they have NO intent to appeal the stay! Delicious irony.
Again thank you Dan – for ALL your valuable advice, wisdom and insight.
@59
“Do you have a teenage son? I do. I think it’s pretty damn good advice.”
Maybe you need to hone your critical thinking skills, as it would improve your parenting. Every person, no matter what age, is in a stage of development and one of the most difficult and important things to develop is a sense of one’s core being and an acceptance of that. Dan’s idea of development is simply grooming oneself in order to meet the shallowest of societal standards. It’s also ridiculous to advocate only putting value in a possible better, more-complete future self. Boys deserve respect and consideration while they’re still boys. Calling them mostly repulsive is a vile thing to do and I almost think Dan did so to assure people he’s not a pedo.
“…reads a lot like advice for developing into a sexist, homophobic, asshole. Not what I want my son to become, thanks.”
God, you really don’t get it, do you? Pressuring boys to primarily value the expectations of women over themselves is what leads them to eventually hate women.
I agree with 63: calling teenaged boys physically repulsive is both unkind and untrue. It also glosses over the fact that most teenage girls also spend a lot of time feeling hideous and undesirable, whatever the reality is.
Young girls are often attracted to their age peers, and don’t necessarily spend their time pining over older guys. The main reason that teenage boys don’t get as much sex as they would like is because they want an unrealistically huge amount of sex, and because teenage girls have a whole host of hangups and pressures surrounding sex that are largely invisible to self-absorbed guys.
While girls do mature physically a little faster than boys, that gap is nowhere as large as it is made out to be. People like to exaggerate the difference because society considers it apropriate to sexualise young girls, but not young boys.
Dan’s advice is going to work just fine for the nice, decent, bright girls out there. It won’t work for the stuck-up bitches or the vapid fashion plates or the shallow bimbo type that only date the hot guys or the guys with money.
However, he has to be deep enough himself to pursue girls worthy of a good guy, not the stuck-up bitches, vapid fashion plates or shallow bimbo types.
Arctic Jay: “I almost think Dan did so to assure people he’s not a pedo.”
Hm. My critical thinking skills are honed well enough to recognize thinly veiled homophobia when I see it.
I also recognize when a columnist is using humour and hyperbole (“a rhetorical device in which statements are exaggerated”) to make a point. I don’t believe for a second that Dan considers teenaged boys to actually resemble short, hairless, chimps. But, as with the “canned hams” line, there are those for whom it seems to hit a little too close to home to be able to recognize either the humour or the point.
Thank you so much for the golden oldie. I, too, have a file of useful dating & mating advice to bestow on my (currently 9 & 10 year-old) boys. I wasn’t around for the first run, and this one was fabulous, to the point. Their Dad won’t remember this phase so succinctly; as their mom, I can’t tell them most of it without them dying of embarrassment.
Thanks for your great work!
Sheesh, now I’m reading the other comments on how the teen dating advice caters to shallow vapidity and not to the dude’s core values: hello, this is a sex column. If your kid has arrived at teenagerdom without intact core values, that is a problem for another column. Also, if he’s already getting a lot of attention from girls his own age, clearly, he won’t need the advice.
Attempt some common sense!
Dan, I know you are impaired, but please think better than to throw out words like “autogynephilia” when even you admit that you have no idea what you’re talking about.
SITQIALS needs to find a pretty pre-op MTF tranny girl. There are plenty out there who are very female with hourglass hips and voices indistinguishable from women. Find someone feminine enough to form an emotional connection with but still having all of the requisite equipment (and the desire to use it).
That’s not just a golden oldie, it’s a golden oldie of a golden oldie.
@ 13 be yourself yes, but his advice doesn’t preclude that- it just points out that having more than one hobby (especially if one of them is WOW or sports- and thus something to SAY to girls), having enough social intelligence to be able to say HI to girls, and bothering with personal hygiene is EXTREMELY helpful if you would EVER like to get laid.
@26 im a girl. its damn good advice. not for right away- he already said that- but for the long term.
Yes, it’s true, Dan likes to go for the funny quip – even when the subject matter is serious. And for virtually everyone who reads his column, the humor is a big part of why we enjoy it. And I’m the first to acknowledge that the people who write into him either know what they’re getting into – or they’re idiots who wrote to an advice columnist without knowing the columnist’s style.
But if people are going to be printing out Dan’s advice, and giving it to their sons – those boys didn’t write to Dan Savage asking for advice about picking up women. Telling them that they resemble hairless chimps for the sake of a (weak) laugh from his readers is pretty damned mean. And I don’t mean “mean” in the “you go girl, tell it like it is!” sense. (I also agree completely that anyone who talked to teenage girls, as a group, in that manner would be vilified).
Also, regardless of whether it will genuinely hurt the boys’ feelings or not, it’s pretty likely to cause a LOT of teenage boys out there to put the column down after reading the very beginning, and say, “Fuck this.” All Dan had to do was say, “Girls your age tend to mature faster, and so they’re focused on guys who are a little older than they are. And a lot of them are reluctant to socialize with the opposite sex because they have their own issues, as teenagers tend to do – so as a result, there aren’t that many guys your age that are getting laid. But even if you can’t get laid now, here’s some advice for getting laid in the future.”
“Hm. My critical thinking skills are honed well enough to recognize thinly veiled homophobia when I see it.”
Oh, sweetheart, cut the goody liberal kegel clenching. I’m a homo, too, and I consider homosexuality the nicest gift nature gave to me.
“But, as with the ‘canned hams’ line, there are those for whom it seems to hit a little too close to home to be able to recognize either the humour or the point.”
Um, you mean like the teenaged boy this advice was supposed to be given to?
@63
I’ve gotta tell you, I’m a twenty-two year old man and thus only a bit separated from the “disgusting man-ape” portion of my adolescence, and I think there’s a lot to be said for the position that if a young man of fifteen can’t take what Dan is saying, he simply needs to sack up.
Part of growing up is the recognition that we’re not all wonderful flower children with something beautiful to offer the world. Some of us (myself included on some, maybe even most, days) are simply unattractive. We have to accept that, and either fix the problem, or figure out a way to be physically unattractive, and still be interesting enough to get girls. Or guys. Or we accept that we aren’t getting sex, and not care (or, at least, tell ourselves we don’t care)
But, your point boils down to “there are more important things than sex, and there’s more to relationships than shallow lust”. I agree on both points as stated, but those aren’t counter to what Dan wrote. He was talking about how to discuss getting laid with a young man of adolescence (who will be, 90% of the time, obsessed with sex without any outside interference), and how to both reassure them and guide them to becoming someone who will get girls eventually. Is shallowness good? Probably not. Is it bad? Probably not. Is it the reality of the life we life on this planet? You bet your ass.
Is is good to also teach young men that they should be independent, that sex isn’t everything, and that they can have value (not that they inherently do, just that they can) without adhering to anyone else’s standards? Absolutely. There’s room for both.
The problem is that we’ve spent a good few decades so focused on “self-esteem is a human right, and should be based on the understanding that all wonderful snowflakes have something unique and fantastic to offer the world” that we’ve lost perspective.
Maybe I’ve become crotchety in my old age, but I believe that self-esteem should be earned by having some laudable trait. What you want us to do is give “consideration” to young men without particular talent, interest, or attractiveness, just to make sure we don’t hurt their feelings? My answer is this: sometimes you need to have your feelings hurt.
@73
“And a lot of them are reluctant to socialize with the opposite sex because they have their own issues, as teenagers tend to do”
That’s a very different perspective and take on the situation. Giving the advice you stated puts the locus of control (a nifty psychology term basically meaning “who’s responsible for what happens”) in the girls. It’s saying “they don’t like you because they ‘have their own issues’ (whatever that means)” rather than “they don’t like you because you’re pretty well unattractive at the moment”.
The latter puts the locus of control, and hence impetus to change, on the boys (which is what Dan’s point was). I don’t think that he was being overly mean, or going for a cheap laugh; I think he was simply being direct and giving any boys reading this the benefit of the doubt that they’re capable of looking at themselves objectively.
@74
*Shrugs* I think the argument boils down to whether we think that teenage boys would be able to read the article and accept what it’s saying. I’m a strong proponent of giving a young man a kick in the ass and saying “you know what? You’re not that awesome. You’re not all that attractive, or smart, or interesting. You can be, so work on it, or don’t come crying about the girls rejecting you.”
If you’ve ever heard the whargarbl about “why doesn’t she like me, she said she wanted a nice guy, and I’m a nice guy… She must just want a bad boy”, you’ve seen the kind of coddling shit you’re spewing in action. Guys who can’t comprehend why a girl wouldn’t like them are guys who’ve never been told “you’re not that attractive”. Dan is being honest, at least.
I’m confounded by the host of comments saying that Dan’s advice won’t work on high-school girls. Well, OF COURSE it won’t! He doesn’t claim it will. To quote:
“Worry less about getting your young teenage self laid and start thinking about getting your 18- or 20-year-old self laid.”
Yes, teenage girls cluster around the alpha males. But we women tend to normalize a bit more as we get older. And for those who continue to cluster around alpha males? Well, maybe they’re not the kind of women a well-read, well-dressed, interesting, fit man wants to waste his time on.
Oh: and yes, be true to yourself. But the notion that reading books in order to become a more interesting person would somehow be antithetical to being yourself…well, that fills me with sadness. There are all kinds of books, you know: if you like music, there are books about music; if you like art, there are books about art…at the very least, read a daily national paper so you know what’s going on in the world. Reading helps give people an internal life, which is something to fall back on even if you aren’t getting laid.
@75
“I think there’s a lot to be said for the position that if a young man of fifteen can’t take what Dan is saying, he simply needs to sack up.”
Sack up? Surely the wise words of a born mentor and leader of men. Sorry, but your idea of manhood is really warped. Accepting that one should edit oneself in order to garner more demographic popularity is the quickest path to spinelessness. The sackiest response a boy could give to anyone shoving this advice on him would be, “Go fuck yourself.”
“Maybe I’ve become crotchety in my old age, but I believe that self-esteem should be earned by having some laudable trait.”
Yes, and we earthlings elect you to be the arbiter of which traits are to be laudable. Self-esteem is not earned like some mental blue ribbon you wear on your psyche. Self-esteem, at least the resilient kind, is developed, and that development comes from a hard-won self-awareness. The laudits you deem are necessary for self-esteem are actually quite useless. People who develop talents in order to garner praise and attention from others usually end up becoming emotionally reliant on that attention while never really finding satisfaction from it, only to end up in shambles when the fickle public has move on. Real self-esteem is only generated when one values oneself beyond the judgement of others.
“What you want us to do is give “consideration” to young men without particular talent, interest, or attractiveness, just to make sure we don’t hurt their feelings?”
By consideration, I meaning giving them the same default respect you’d give any other human being. Of all the thousands of people I’ve interacted with throughout my lifetime, only a handful would I describe as repulsive. To refer to entire group of people that way is fucked up, period. Not complaining about that would be the pussy thing to do.
“I think he was simply being direct and giving any boys reading this the benefit of the doubt that they’re capable of looking at themselves objectively.”
How is defining yourself based on the criteria of others looking at yourself objectively?
“I’m a strong proponent of giving a young man a kick in the ass and saying ‘you know what? You’re not that awesome. You’re not all that attractive, or smart, or interesting. You can be, so work on it, or don’t come crying about the girls rejecting you.'”
This totally comes off as a pathetic attempt to appear macho. Insulting young boys in order to feel tough? Really sad.
“If you’ve ever heard the whargarbl about “why doesn’t she like me, she said she wanted a nice guy, and I’m a nice guy… She must just want a bad boy”, you’ve seen the kind of coddling shit you’re spewing in action.”
Wow, you are really fucking delusional, or stupid, or a feminist. Probably all three. “Nice Guys” are the idiots who took all the criticisms, all the advice, all the admonitions to heart and followed them to the letter and still didn’t get laid. The only thing they didn’t do is follow my advice. Nobody following the maxim, “I have value irrespective of your opinion, so screw off you judgmental ass,” would ever be thought of as a “Nice Guy.”
“Guys who can’t comprehend why a girl wouldn’t like them are guys who’ve never been told ‘you’re not that attractive.'”
No, the guys who can’t comprehend why girls don’t like them are the one who listened to the standard propaganda about female preferences instead of simply observing how girls behave.
“Dan is being honest, at least.”
Nah.
@75: I just flat out don’t agree that young teenage boys, or older teenage boys, or really any class of men look like disgusting man-apes (No class of man that is; I’m sure there are individual men that fit that description, and indeed it’s quite possible that you do.
I also do not agree that young teenage girls already look like “attractive young women”. I’m glad Dan is a gay man, because coming from a straight guy that line would sound pretty creepy. 13-15 year olds of both sexes look like what they are – awkward children.
It’s true that most teenage boys aren’t getting laid much and that they shouldn’t expect to be. But I really don’t think that “it’s because you’re gross LOL!” is an honest or effective way to convey that message.
And much like when guys go out of their way to describe women as beautiful goddesses and men as stinky neanderthals, it’s actually quite disrespectful of teenage girls’ own sexuality. I loved teenage boys when I was a teenage girl, and I would have been quite indignant to have my desire erased like that.
@75: I just flat out don’t agree that young teenage boys, or older teenage boys, or really any class of men look like disgusting man-apes (No class of man that is; I’m sure there are individual men that fit that description, and indeed it’s quite possible that you do.
I also do not agree that young teenage girls already look like “attractive young women”. I’m glad Dan is a gay man, because coming from a straight guy that line would sound pretty creepy. 13-15 year olds of both sexes look like what they are – awkward children.
It’s true that most teenage boys aren’t getting laid much and that they shouldn’t expect to be. But I really don’t think that “it’s because you’re gross LOL!” is an honest or effective way to convey that message.
And much like when guys go out of their way to describe women as beautiful goddesses and men as stinky neanderthals, it’s actually quite disrespectful of teenage girls’ own sexuality. I loved teenage boys when I was a teenage girl, and I would have been quite indignant to have my desire erased like that.
Not long ago, the instructor of a class (a variety of ages and ethnic backgrounds) I was taking did a quick poll to kill time. The question was, for us females: what’s the first thing that catches your eye about a guy and makes you want to get to know him better?
The overwhelming answer was: a great smile. Not a fat wallet or a huge bone. A great smile.
People like to be around people who know how to be happy and share that happiness with others. Happy people are fun to be around.
@ 77
I’m not exactly sure what you’re arguing against at this point. You say “Real self-esteem is only generated when one values oneself beyond the judgment of others.” However, isn’t self-esteem at least partially reliant on the judgment of others? Is there anyone who truly has self-esteem but is rejected by all of his peers? I agree wholeheartedly that one should not “develop talents” for the sole reason of impressing others. I also believe, however, that the development of talent is a byproduct of the pursuit of interests, which in turn leads to increased appreciation from the opposite sex. If a completely talentless, apathetic teenage boy with no interests (and they’re out there) can be happy with himself, well good for him, but he must also be prepared to face the fact that he will not attract as much attention from either sex. If that does not bother him, then no harm done.
One caveat to any Advice to Boys (of whatever age)–avoid “Nice Guy” syndrome.
That’s the erroneous notion that, if only you can be nice enough, you’re *owed* sex.
That’s not saying that being a nice person is a bad thing, just that… no matter how nice you are, the object of your affections has every right to say “No, thanks”, and you do not have some inherent right to get into her (or his) pants because you racked up enough “nice” points.
I think Broken Up is implying that his girlfriend “ended things terribly” by giving him an STI. Why else would he be so focused on the protection factor of the cheating? Maybe Dan’s advice to go fuck lots of other people right now isn’t the most sound. Just a thought, but that question seemed a little deeper.
@ Black Rose: “I know this advice for teenage boys seems to be popular, but I don’t think it’s very good advice, at least not for straight boys. It’s probably good advice for gay boys, but attracting girls is very different than attracting boys. Girls, especially young ones, care less about looks, muscles, interests, and friendship, and more about status, dominance, personality, and attitude.
Teenage boys need to learn things like how to tease girls, how to ignore them, how to avoid seeming needy, how to avoid getting stuck in the friend zone, how to flirt, and how to play hard-to-get. Your advice is good for making boys into good people, but possibly counterproductive for attracting teenage or early 20s girls (who are not the most mature people around).”
Bitter much? Enough with the head game mentality. Geesh! I hadn’t realised there are people this clueless walking around so thanks for the reminder.
To everyone else, what “Black Rose” has written here, DO THE OPPOSITE.
When I was a young woman in my 20’s, I would have loved to have met a young man who followed Dan’s advice and NOT some immature head case who is trying to “play a game.”
Why are there so many unhappy people out there? Folks like you and your “advice.”
Why do people often do not connect with themselves and others?
Folks like you and your “advice.”
Honey, you may wish to stop reading the “How to pick up chicks” websites and go out and interact with REAL people.
REAL life? Remember that?
The best advice for ANYONE? Be true to yourself. Be true to yourself. Be true to yourself.
To the chap who wrote that he had to change his behaviour around girls: Er, mate, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR OR SMELL YOUR FARTS. That has nothing to do with “different behaviour around girls.” It is simply common courtesy when you are around other people.
I guess people ARE that clueless.
Men spend so much time trying to figure out how to get laid and then get annoyed with those guys who DO get laid and the reason why those other guys are getting laid is because they’ve stayed true to themselves.
There is nothing sexier than a man – or woman – who is absorbed in what makes them happy. It is infectious.
Those who go out with the agenda of getting laid are creeps and there’s no two ways about it.
They’re wastes of space who have nothing to offer the world but “a good time.” If that is how you want to live your life then so be it but don’t get upset when you’re working very hard to get laid once when you see your more clued up brothers getting hoards of women drooling over them because they go out into life to enjoy it!
I just want to say, While I was spring cleaning, I kept this article. I love technology for this reason. Where information doesn’t get lost or forgotten. Where good information can be shared with others. (Now, I can recycle this article and add it as “Likes” to my facebook wall.)
I am a single mom with a son who is 12 years old and I am grateful for your honesty and to the point information; None of the birds and the bees, No shaming sex and not promoting like media has done too much of.
Or at least that’s my humble opinion.
Thank you for your dedication and articles.
It has been my favorite, flip to articles in our newspaper!