I’m a 21-year-old woman with bi-curious tendencies who’s been in a committed relationship for four years. He’s sweet and kind. We share a lot of interests and get along very well. Thing is, I don’t know if I’m meant to be in a committed relationship. For the past year and a half, I’ve been thinking about what things would be like with another man. I also frequently imagine what it might be like to sleep with another girl. In fact, whenever I’m masturbating, I get more excited by lesbian scenarios than straight scenarios—although I’ve never been able to come. I’ve never experienced an orgasm. But that’s another can of worms.
I’m open to the possibility of a threesome, but my boyfriend isn’t. He’s completely against the idea. From the start, I’ve never hidden the fact that I’ve never reached orgasm, and he’s never created any macho drama about that.
I’ve slowly come to the realization that I’m no longer sexually attracted to my boyfriend. I don’t have the motivation to improve our sex life anymore. I just go through the motions. At the same time, my boyfriend remains my best friend, and I’m not willing to give up my best friend over sex. I want to keep him in my life, as he is my most important source of emotional support.
Have My Cake
You can have your current boyfriend, HMC, at the price of a lousy and uninspired sex life with a guy who doesn’t give a shit about your pleasure—excuse me, a partner who hasn’t created a lot of “macho drama” about the fact that you’ve never had an orgasm and isn’t interested in helping you realize your fantasies—or you can find a new boyfriend and/or girlfriend and perhaps discover that orgasms are easier to come by when you’re with someone who (1) turns you on, and (2) gives a shit about your pleasure, and (3) hasn’t come to symbolize the death of sexual possibility.
Giving up the current boyfriend means you’ll have to find a new emotional tampon—excuse me, a new “source of emotional support”—but that’s a price that you should be willing to pay, HMC, particularly at your age.
And if you don’t want to find yourself boyfriendless and bestfriendless ever again, HMC, in the future keep those roles separate.
I’m a 26-year-old heterosexual male in a relationship with a 25-year-old female. I’m her first boyfriend. She’s never had an orgasm that wasn’t self-induced. I’ve asked her multiple times what I can do to try to get her off, but she doesn’t really have anything to tell me. There’s a lot of trial and error going on. I feel like I’m kind of flying blind. Help please?
This Question Again
If she can get herself off, TQA, then she should be able to get herself off while you assist. Let her get herself off while you watch, while you hold her, while you suck on her tits, while she sits on your face. Gradually work your way up to her getting herself off while you’re inside her.
Don’t make the “macho drama” mistake of viewing the orgasms she self-induces while you’re there as somehow deficient or dysfunctional. The more you can relax and enjoy the orgasms she’s self-inducing now—the more you can both relax and enjoy them—the sooner she’ll be able to relax, enjoy, and, perhaps, transition to orgasms induced by someone else/someone else’s dick.
If you want that someone else/someone else’s dick to be you/yours, TQA, then don’t be an impatient, insecure, macho drama queen about the way she’s capable of having orgasms now.
I am a woman who is with the love of her life. I enjoy sex immensely but have begun to fake orgasms because it hurts him that he is not making me come. I believe the obstruction is psychological. I am self-conscious about my body and can only come using a vibrator while looking at pictures of women with nice boobs. I fantasize that I am both the woman in possession of these assets and the person lusting after her. I am certain of my sexual orientation: I did quite a bit of experimenting with beautiful women, but they did nothing for me. Any insights?
Breasts On Other Babes
Stop faking, BOOB, and start incorporating your vibrator and your fantasies into the sex you’re having with the boyfriend. Your boyfriend needs to talk a boob-esteem-building blue streak while you fuck—he needs to tell you how hot your breasts are, how much they turn him on—and you need to use your vibrator on yourself and fantasize aloud about the assets you’ve got and the assets you lust after while you two are fucking.
You know what works for you, BOOB, you just have to risk sharing it with the love of your life.
I am an 18-year-old straight girl. I am also a virgin. After my 18th birthday, I bought a small vibrator. I love it—it’s completely changed masturbation and I reached orgasm for the first time. However, I’m worried about developing a dependence on it. Should I hold off on using it until I get some real experience?
Teen With A Tech
Enjoy your vibrator, TWAT, and enjoy those orgasms—but mix it up. Masturbate with your vibrator and without; see how worked up you can get through fantasy alone; get yourself close to the edge and finish yourself off with your hand; experiment with nonvibrating, inanimate sex toys. And when you start having sexual experiences with nonvibrating, animate sex toys (boys), don’t be shy about introducing them—or their genitals—to your vibrator. Dicks are just big clits, TWAT, and vibrators can work wonders on dicks, too.
I am in college and in a super-fantastic relationship. We have fun together and we have great sex. However, he doesn’t orgasm when I blow him or give him a handjob. He says he’s never been able to come from blowjobs or handjobs. I don’t mind going straight to vaginal intercourse after blowing him for a bit, although I sometimes encourage him to finish himself off and ejaculate in my mouth. It’s not like I’m offended; I’d just like to get him there.
I have a tiny mouth and tiny hands—could that be the problem? He says it doesn’t have anything to do with me. He just plateaus. HOW DO I SOLVE THIS PROBLEM, DAN? Is our sex life condemned to, God forbid, just vaginal intercourse?
Barely Licking Over Wide
Junk Of Boyfriend
What’s the opposite of macho drama? Vulvo drama?
Look, BLOWJOB, if you’re both giving and receiving oral, and giving and receiving handjobs, then you haven’t been “condemned” to “just” vaginal intercourse. You’re having all kinds of sex—it’s just that he requires something very specific in order to get off. If there are times when you want to mess around without being fucked, or times when you’re not up for vaginal intercourse, just get him as close as you can and let him finish himself off with his hand.
Your boyfriend is orgasmic, BLOWJOB—THERE’S NO PROBLEM HERE TO SOLVE.
Thanks for the link. Though when I read that “up to 45% of the differences between women in their ability to reach orgasm can be explained by their genes” — I am reminded that the phrase “up to…” includes the number 0.
Also, the study doesn’t address how the genes affect orgasm: “Whether that basis is anatomical, physiological or psychological remains uncertain.”
Maybe some women are genetically more susceptible to body issues, or they have clits which are harder to access, or whatever. They still might be able to improve their own orgasms through education and experimentation. Biology is not destiny.
(Note that the study is about differences among women, not differences between men and women. Many men also have trouble reaching orgasm the way they think they should be able to.)
@ EricaP:
Yes, zero falls within the “up to 45%” range, but presumably the genetic influence on female orgasmic capacity is somewhere north of zero; otherwise, the study wouldn’t have found a significant correlation between orgasmic (dys)function and genetic proximity.
I can’t remember any figures about male versus female orgasmic dysfunction offhand, and I’m feeling too lazy to go looking — but my sense is that female orgasmic dysfunction is far, far more prevalent than its male counterpart, particularly in the young-to-middle-aged segment of the population. I suspect that a sizable percentage of males may develop orgasmic dysfunction as they age, but comparatively few suffer from orgasmic dysfunction throughout their lives. Of course, this is just my sense of the situation, so take it with a grain of salt.
I’m not claiming that biology is destiny, or that women who are predisposed toward orgasmic dysfunction can’t learn to work around their difficulties. But I wanted to provide a counterpoint to Sheepy’s claim that the etiology of orgasmic dysfunction lies primarily “between the ears.” (Not only did this comment rub me the wrong way — as you’ve probably already noticed — but I honestly believe that it’s a gross oversimplification of the issue.)
Speaking from personal experience, with the caveat that anecdote =/= datum, the most highly orgasmic woman I ever met was intimacy-phobic and highly body-conscious. (She didn’t even like me looking at her when we had sex.) But she could go from zero to orgasm in thirty seconds flat. On the other end of the spectrum, I have a good friend who shares all my orgasmic difficulties — but where I’m a big ol’ bundle of neuroses, she’s extremely well-adjusted, self-confident, in a stable, loving relationship, etc. So, questions of wounded pride aside — and I’m willing to admit that’s part of my issue, here — Sheepy’s claim really doesn’t ring true for me on an experiential level.
@ NoCuteName:
Huh, that’s interesting (although, when I think about it, it does make a lot of sense). Thanks for the info! And thanks also for your earlier “glass three-quarters fill” comment — as someone in a similar situation, I really appreciate your positive outlook.
Don’t worry “BLOWJOB”. I have the same problem. I’m on Zoloft and having an orgasm through a blowjob or handjob is difficult for me. If he’s on an antidepressant there are some things you can do. When my wife wants to give me a handjob she uses a Fleshlight on me. It’s so tight that every nerve in my penis is being stimulated. When she wants to blow me I insert an Aneros prostate stimulator. Between the tounge on my penis and the stimulation on my prostate I orgasm alot quicker. You don’t even have to buy an Aneros, you can stimulate his prostate with your finger also.
Try a few of these things.
“However, he doesn’t orgasm when I blow him or give him a handjob. He says he’s never been able to come from blowjobs or handjobs “
Is it really a blowjob if he doesn’t come?
@161 – what would you call it?
@162
Why, OF COURSE you call it unsatisfying oral sort-of stimulation! Can’t have people who’ve had their cocks sucked for, say, 45 minutes straight without coming thinking they’d gotten a blowjob!
I love the wording by BLOWJOB. “I’m in college and in a super fantastic relationship”. Super fantastic? A)Are you even old to be legally having sex with someone else? B)Sure, that’s why you’re writing to Dan Savage. Hah.
Damn, lots of anger here.
I still agree with Sheepy. I only know that when I was younger, and had a shitload of body image issues, no come. Now that I am older, shed the weight, shed the image problem, and discovered yoga and an amazing lover, I can come at the drop of a hat. *My* inability to orgasm when younger with a partner WAS mental, like 100%.
But I am not getting my panties in a wad about it. But maybe thats because I came a LOT this weekend, lol! I am in a pretty mellow mood right now…
This is an all-times-Dan’s-classic, no doubt. Great questions, superb answers and lots of good advice mixed up with humor.
Not much to add so far (have nor read the comments yet) but to HMC I’d say: Google DTMFA and apply it immediately.
The quality differential between this week and last week is simply astounding.
@165:
ಠ_ಠ
I’m just curious: how did the word “twat” become synonymous with “pussy”?
Because…..it rhymes with “squat”?
@169:
I think it always meant that . . . or at least, it’s had that meaning since 1650, according to the OED.
Granted: orgasms are great! Careful: orgasms aren’t everything. Yes, we should strive to get as many as we can, hopefully A LOT! But we must not obsess in just getting them. There are times when just giving is good, times when just receiving is great and times when something interrupts the act and we have to start all over again, among many other possibilities. All those are OK. We are not supposed to come EVERY time. In fact, sometimes is better not to come. But what’s for sure is that we should be able to make our companions come as we know how to make ourselves come. It’s just a matter of respect. And its fun, too! Learning, discovering and striving to be better at it is as important as the act itself and much less ephemeral. But now I’m getting too philosophical.
I have to disagree w/ Dan’s assessment of HMC’s problem. If she isn’t even able to make herself come by masturbating, she may be one of the 40% of women who have some sort of sexual dysfunction – eg low libido, inability to achieve orgasm, etc. The field of female sexual dysfunction is still a developing one (as opposed to that of male sexual dysfunction) and its causes may have many roots. I’d advise that HMC’s first step is to visit her doctor and have a frank chat. Then, perhaps, total upheaval of her personal life may be in order. A partner unwilling to be in a threesome is not necessarily a bad person, nor is he to be assumed that he doesn’t care about her sexual satisfaction.
OMG! As a mostly-hetero married woman, I’d LOVE to have sex w/most of the chicks posting this wk! PCowgirl,I KNOW EXACTLY what you’re saying & I hate that misunderstood feeling when nobody else seems to get it; there’s a lot of backbiting this wk! I’m 43 & been having orgasms since my teens (back then w/a vibrator)& now with a vibe or my hand: always clitoral, rarely internal. I also have a rather small clit & the way I stimulate myself is different than how I like my partner to.If I’m with a partner,I’m really only gonna get off by receiving oral sex, which I don’t always get, but ALWAYS give. However, for me to reach orgasm, it takes up to 10 min, so I can take it or leave it. My husband only wants sex about 1x/month & we have intercourse for about 5 min before he comes. Sorry for all the background info-all I really had to say is that I can’t believe I had to read up to #160 to find ONE commenter that mentions antidepressants! SSRIs- Prozac, Paxil & Zoloft are the main ones- usually have 3 sexual side effects: 1) Low libido 2)delay in orgasm 3) the orgasm when/if you do have it, is shitty-more of a plateau than a peak.These are FACTS! & @ least 30% of users suffer these side effects, altho the drug cos say it’s far less.I was on Prozac in ’91 & noticed the side f/x before I later read that other people had them too. My Dr. then was a woman from a very different culture, who didn’t understand dating or premarital sex & didn’t think womens’ sexual pleasure was important. Glad I got rid of that bitch! Now I take Effexor, an SNRI-instead of just the body’s serotonin, it also works with norepinephrine blah, blah, blah.It still has the same side effects, but far less. When I can’t afford my Rx, I lay around & masturbate a LOT(!)Takes about 2 days for the meds to be out of my system enough where I can bust out a string of orgasms. It makes a diff! Sorry this is so long, but it bugs me that people almost never mention the possible antidepressant connection & I know it’s relevant to someone out there.
TO BLOWJOB: One of the reasons guys don’t cum from blow jobs is their needing to be dominant, to be in control. If you like being in control from time to time, BLOWJOB, you may just not be fully sexually compatible with your guy. You could try letting him fuck your face. He’d hold your head and do all the moving. He may also be helped by you being tied up while you blow him, or doing some role-playing fantasy that gives him power. For example, pretend that he’s blackmailing you into blowing him. You can also try to encourage him to accept you being in control. Let him know that you don’t buy into the macho stereotype and you won’t think any less of him if he lets you make him loose control and cum. Deprogramming sexual blocks and inhibitions is a slow process, but possible.
Emotional Tampon? Jeeze, I guess that is why it is so easy to advise people to dump others so readily.
To TWAT: Another thing that you can do is engage in other kinds of stimulation while you use the vibrator, like fingering yourself (wash your hands, short nails!). If you associated vaginal stimulation with orgasms, it helps you get off easier when you start having penetrative sex.
Let me say from experience with having had blowjobs from, uh, many different people. With probably about 70% of them, as unfortunately with my three previous long term boyfriends, ejaculating from a blowjob was and is impossible. However, the other 30% have the technique to get me off quite nicely and sometimes quickly.
My advice to BLOWJOB would be to experiment with technique. Tell your boyfriend to be open about what kind of stimulation he likes. Sometimes he might not even know until you stumble upon the right approach. And remember that a blowjob is not just lips. There are active things you should be doing with your tongue and your cheeks, you can use your hands for extra stimulation of the cock and balls, and NEVER EVER let your teeth get in the way.