I am a 23-year-old straight female. A year ago, I moved across the country after college to live with my boyfriend of four years. He is in graduate school and is the only person I really know here, so I have been hanging out with him and his friends. I’ve developed a huge crush on one of his friends, and I don’t know what to do.
I feel really guilty, even though I haven’t acted on it and doubt anything would happen since I see this friend only when we hang out together in groups. I’m not sure if I should tell my boyfriend or the friend about this because it would make my social interactions totally uncomfortable and I am basically friendless outside of my boyfriend’s social circle. It’s hard to get over a crush you see all the time and haven’t been directly rejected by. Any advice?
Uncomfortably Ogling Friend
Once in a great while, I donate the right to answer a Savage Love letter to charity. Grant Thornley was the winning bidder in the Strangercrombie auction in December (strangercrombie.com), and the money he spent for the dubious honor of giving advice in this space went to organizations that support neglected children and the homeless. Grant is a Seattle-based career-management consultant, and what follows is Grant’s advice for UOF:
“It’d be one thing if you’d said, ‘I’ve fallen head over heels in love with a friend of my boyfriend’s; he’s my soul mate, and I’ll die if I am not with him.’ But you didn’t say ‘love,’ you said ‘crush,’ which to me is something that is both surmountable and surely not worth fucking up more than one relationship.
“It’s intriguing, UOF, that you don’t give any indication of how things are between you and your boyfriend right now. Obviously, you’re pretty committed—been together for four years, moved across the country to be with the guy. Yet, despite this pretty serious level of commitment, the primary negative outcome you see of admitting to your boyfriend and/or crush that you have these feelings is that it would make your social interactions ‘uncomfortable’? You don’t mention your boyfriend possibly being hurt, or perhaps screwing up his relationship with your crush, or causing a rift between you and your boyfriend. You’re worried about uncomfortableness. It seems like you almost don’t care. I think there’s something else going on.
“You moved far from home—do you feel isolated? Do you feel bored and/or lonely? If your boyfriend is busy in grad school, it could be that you’re also feeling neglected. I think it might be that you’re just not feeling great about life in general right now, and this crush is a symptom of that. But acting on an impulse that could make things worse for everyone isn’t the way to fix things.
“If you’re friendless outside your boyfriend’s circle of friends, get some friends of your own, forfucksake. If you’ve lived in that new locale for a whole year and have not met anyone you could be friendly with, you’re not trying. Look for people who have similar interests, whether it’s fine art, tea making, needlepoint, video games, rugby, animal husbandry, or whatever floats your boat.
“There’s a saying where I come from: ‘Don’t shit where you eat.’ Do not crap in the only social circle you have right now, UOF. Walk the fuck away from this friend of your boyfriend’s and find some friends of your own. Oh, and if you’re so VERY susceptible to crushing on a friend of your boyfriend’s, it sounds like you and the boyfriend need to have a talk ASAP, because you, my friend, are just not happy right now. Good luck.”
Thank you, Grant, for your generous donation and your well-written response… and now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to jump down your throat:
Whenever a married/partnered/girlfriended/boyfriended person wants to fuck someone who isn’t her spouse/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend—when a technically unavailable person finds herself crushing out on someone else—people insist that the crush has to be a symptom of something. UOF wouldn’t be having this crush, Grant writes, if she weren’t feeling neglected, unhappy, and isolated. By implication, people who are content at home—people who aren’t feeling neglected, unhappy, and isolated—don’t have crushes.
I don’t mean to jump down Grant’s throat… or not just Grant’s throat. This is a point you hear people—columnists, counselors, Drs. Laura and Phil—making all the time: Married/partnered people who are happy at home don’t experience crushes on others. The eyes of happily partnered people—to say nothing of their genitalia—never wander. So if you’re having a crush on someone you’re not supposed to, well, that must mean something is very seriously wrong with your relationship. It’s a symptom. Of something dire.
This, of course, is complete and total bullshit. Happily married/partnered/boyfriended/girlfriended people have crushes on other people all the time. Not because we’re unhappy or because there’s something wrong with us or because our relationships are somehow diseased. It happens because—I hope everyone is sitting down for this—however attracted we are to our spouses/partners/boyfriends/girlfriends, other people are also attractive.
So it’s entirely possible that you have a crush on this guy, UOF, because he’s hot and you want to fuck him, independent of your feelings for your boyfriend and/or his graduate program. Crushes are normal, and our relationships—closed or open—would be less stressful if we weren’t expected to pretend that we never find anyone else attractive. And our relationships would be more likely to survive the inevitable, normal, natural crushes-on-others if we weren’t led to believe that attraction is a zero-sum game, i.e., that finding someone else attractive means you must find your partner less attractive.
All that said, UOF, while your crush doesn’t have to mean something, it still could. The indifference you display toward your boyfriend’s feelings, which Grant rightly highlights, could mean that your crush is the person you really want to be with. Sometimes, people meet the people they wind up with under awkward, embarrassing, and painful circumstances. This could be one of those times.
Help! I’m a 21-year-old female with a 20-year-old boyfriend. Eight months ago, he was in a horrible accident, which left him without a left hand. We didn’t have sex until after he was hurt. The sex is great, but he doesn’t do foreplay! Nothing! But he expects blowjobs and handjobs every time! When I bring it up, he tells me he doesn’t know what to do!
Please Help Me
I’m not sure what his missing left hand has to do with anything… but here goes: Your one-handed boyfriend says he doesn’t know what to do. So tell him: You want a hand here, a tongue there, this squeezed, that rubbed. If he can’t do as he’s told, no more sex, no more blowjobs, no more handjobs, no more girlfriend.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
I def. got the impression that the letter writer’s problem with this crush has something to do with her lack of friends/feeling isolated. Not because that’s the only reason people get attracted to other people, but because she mentioned depending on her boyfriend’s social network twice in the letter, and started off the letter by pointing out she had moved across the country for this guy. Think about it — the problem of crushing on your s.o.’s friend could happen to people in all kinds of circumstances. But these facts are clearly uppermost in her mind when she thinks about the relationship. (The fact that she didn’t mention “my bf is amazing & we have a great relationship!”, as letter writers so often do, is also a possible tell.)
It’s quite possible that she feels resentful of the bf because she made a big sacrifice for him, & because he’s “in charge” of their social life. Hence the reason she’s obsessing over this crush and debating “telling the friend about it,” instead of just enjoying it. My guess is if she gets some friends & starts having fun on her own, this crush will start to take up less space in her mental life & she won’t be so angsty about it.
See, Dennis/Rhettro: that’s how it’s done.
(sorry about the off-topic reference).
Nice job, Grant!
@16: What’s this “we” you write of? You got a mouse in your pocket?
#43: “Unless he’s just an asshole.”
Easy there, fella. Let’s try chopping off one of your hands at the wrist and see whether it fucks you up just a little bit for eight months or so. (Seriously, folks: eight months is nothing.) I’m not saying give him a free pass. But considering the circumstance, aren’t you being just a wee bit harsh?
Letter Writer: if he says he doesn’t know what to do, teach him, and insist he try it out.
@6: You’re spot on!!!
I liked Grant’s response. While Dan’s got a real point about married people developing crushes regardless of their happiness level, I think Grant hit it on the head when he pointed out the general vacuity of UOF’s life right now. UOF’s letter sounds like she’s being really clingy and dependent and part of me wonders if she’s not being a complete drip with the boyfriend.
I’m madly in love with my husband and have had a crush on one of our mutual friends for some time. I’ve shared my feelings with my husband and he doesn’t feel threatened by them — being a normal guy, he often feels attracted to other women. When you’re really happy with your current partner, having a crush on someone else can be fun as long as you accept that the fantasy is likely more exciting and satisfying than the reality would be.
My husband and I get crushes on other people ALL THE TIME. Including man-crushes for him, and girl-crushes for me.
And we talk about it. And tease each other. A crush is a crush. It doesn’t mean you’re going to act or it, or that your relationship is flawed.
My husband andI get crushes on other people All. The. Time. Including man-crushes for him, and girl-crushes for me.
And we talk about it. And we tease each other about it. But, it doesn’t mean we’re going to ACT on it, or that something is flawed in our relationship. Isn’t that normal?
It can be innocent fun. I guess I don’t understand why UOF is making it seem like this is a horribly dire situation.
@6&7: SPOT ON!
A married childhood friend and I have recently reconnected, and in addition to confessing our elementary school crushes on one another (of which we were both previously unaware), we’ve confessed a new/renewed crush! And of course we are both in committed (monogamous) relationships…with problems…which are waaaay less appealing than the green grass on the other side of the fence. I’m happy that finally, in middle age, I’ve accumulated enough self-inflicted hard knocks that the only thing worse than not indulging this desire is the thought of what it would be like if I indulged it….waaay more depressing (and waaay more bad feelings about myself).
I have a couple of fantasy lusts (I won’t even call them crushes) that involve two women who are entirely inappropriate to for me to ever have that type of relationship with, or tell my SO about, and I don’t, though they are mental fodder.
I think UOF should probably just privately savor the feelings…you can have, experience and “feel” feelings without having to act on them. If she is committed to the BF, and monogamy is part of the deal, and she wants to maintain that relationship, she can share this crush with him or not – I don’t think “uncomfortable” vs. “hurt” etc. are really differences with a distinction: they’re both perfectly valid reasons for not telling her guy. @Amanda is exactly right about how this can work. Just use good judgment – all that really involves is sitting down and exploring all the aspects of what you’re faced with – it doesn’t require any lightning bolt insights.
I don’t know… I kind of agree with @16. Not that alternate advice doesn’t have a place in the comments section, it’s just that a lot of people chime in every week with unsolicited and very pedestrian advice that’s a) already been stated, b) woefully ignorant / amateur / judgmental, and/or c) adds nothing meaningful to the conversation.
Re: UOF.
I completely agree with Dan on this one. Crushes and attractions are a symptom of being alive and human and not necessarily indicative of pathology. How people respond to these feelings, however, might be an indication thereof.
I think a lot of us chime in because we have experiences that relate in some way, and that can be useful information.
…at least, I hope it is, ’cause that’s why I’m chiming in: When I first moved to a new place far from where I grew up, I spent a bunch of time similarly dependent on my boyfriend for a social life, and I realize now that my life would have been different (and better) if I had had friends that were truly my own. I second (or third or whatever) the suggestions that UOF find ways to make other friends and connections – be patient, it will take time – and I think the overwhelmingness of the current crush will abate when there are other interesting things happening in her life. No reason to hope or expect the crush to go away completely, but I bet more of a balanced social life would give it some perspective.
UOF:
1. Every relation that I’ve had has ended when I realized that I was crushing on someone else in a uncontrollably intense way. I didn’t end the relationships because I wanted to be with someone else–I ended them because they had gone rotten and had to end. But being totally crazy about someone else was the huge wake-up call.
2. Like Dan says, I get big crushes on other people all the time. Sometimes it’s because I feel upset about stuff in my relationship, sometimes it’s just because I’m a human being.
Here are my two metrics to differentiate between crushes that are signals of relationship terminus and crushes that are signals of me being a human being (romantically attached or no). 1. Has it been 2-4 weeks and my feelings haven’t dissipated? 2. Do I still want to fuck the person I’m with?
Great response on crushes, Dan. It seems really obvious, but sometimes we need to be told that being attracted to people is normal, even if you are in a happy monogamous relationship.
So what do you do to get an unwanted crush out of your head? Even when you do have the good social network, the hobbies and all that jazz? Particularly when it’s on somebody you have no choice about seeing on a regular basis– a coworker, classmate, last week’s suburban housewife’s neighbor, a friend of the family, or whatever.
I’m actually the guy the first girl has a crush on. We could fuck like once or twice and get it out of the way with, but I don’t exactly have a crush on you. Sometimes a crush is just wanting to fuck someone really bad. And in an open relationship, which I’m in, it’s not a problem. Call me up sometime, we’ll get some drinks and hit it. Easy.
@71: Why would you want to get a crush out of your head? I like having workplace crushes; it makes coming into work more exciting. In fact, my workplace satisfaction has gone down since my last co-worker crush switched jobs.
Just because you feel something doesn’t mean you have to act on it. I regularly feel like yelling at some of my co-workers, but I’ve never raised my voice to anyone. If the feeling is kinda fun and makes things more interesting, then why not enjoy it?
I agree half with Grant, half with Dan. UOF should do the following:
1. Definitely, before anything else, make her own friends, find her own hobbies, stop being desperately dependant on the boyfriend.
2. Reassess your relationship with the boyfriend. Is it really all that great? Does this other guy really have more to offer than he does?
After UOF has done both of these things, and slept on it, she will know exactly what to do.
(a) Breakup and pursue the other guy, or
(b) Get over the crush.
If it’s (b), the best way to get over a a crush is to avoid all contact with that person.
Is there such a thing as too much honesty in a relationship? For instance, your significant other enjoys working 13 hour days because he/she likes working/flirting with their co-workers and after work goes to a bar to unwind before heading home. The only reason they go home is to sleep and they only reason they have a home is because it’s a place to store clothes and and the only reason you’re there is to keep things in order?
I’m not judging anyone but for me, I’d like more out of a relationship. Not just being a live in house keeper.
Is it any wonder many older women divorce men when they’ve been delegated to ‘room mate’. Again, not judging because it could work for some. Not me, though.
My husband of 22 years and I are in love with each other. Our relationship started under “awkward, embarrassing and painful circumstances,” as Dan would say. We have romance and great sex AND… we BOTH have crushes. We talk about it openly and joke about it with each other when that’s happening for either one of us. It’s NORMAL. You’re all making a big deal out of nothing. However, if this guy is the love of your life and you can’t live without each other, you have some work to do. You have to know the difference; true love worth pain and embarrasment or a crush not worth acting on.
PHM really wants har BF to use the stump on her, but is too afraid to ask.
@75 – The scenario you describe doesn’t sound like a case of too much honesty in a relationship, but a case of one person not caring about the relationship at all. There’s a huge difference. If you’re saying that’s how you’d live if you were being completely honest with yourself and your partner, you’re probably not in love. Too much honesty isn’t the problem there.
@78, I would never stand for that. All
I’m saying is if someone is in a relationship as I described and the ‘absent’ one’s excuse for not being home during most of the waking hours is because they enjoy their work so much because they have work place crushes, then i’d be reevaluating the entire ‘relationship’.
But scenarios like do happen and to some it’s alright because I’m sure the other peraon is doing the same.
I’ve heard of couples talk about ‘crushes’ ie not threats. They say things like I can’t believe you’re looking at that loser, lol. They treat the crushes ie the persons as a joke not, the crushing ie infatuation as a joke as some have already pointed out. Like, I’d never seriously ever date the ‘crush’ if I were single. Big difference.
Anyway, the letter writer has a serious infatuation with this friend. That’s why she’s afraid to tell her boyfriend. She probably doesn’t really think he’s some random loser
You are right, Dan, it is hard to figure out what the loss of a hand has to do with sex, but he lost a hand. Perhaps for him he felt he needed both hands, and that now he will be inadequate. She needs to make him understand that his hand didn’t make him a great lover, it was the whole package. So perhaps during the blowjob, she can take his other hand, or his foot, his nose whatever and place it where she enjoys it… little by little letting him know how much she is enjoying it.
@ 16:
Fuck all these other comments, I LMFAO at “WHERE IS JA??”
Funniest fucking thing ever.
@79: I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with the “crushes not threats.” And I think you’ve also exposed the rather huge gap between people who can control their emotions and people whose emotions control them.
No crush I have, no matter how strong, will ever be a threat to my girlfriend. Because *I* decide what I do or don’t do, not some chemical state triggered by my biology. *I* am in love with my girlfriend, not my body chemistry, and no set of hormonal cues will ever convince me to deliberately hurt her. And my girlfriend knows that– she’s the same way– and that’s why she doesn’t give a shit about my crushes.
But there are people who subscribe to the “magical emotion” bullshit, that if you feel something it must mean something, and thus give themselves free license to casually ignore the well-being of everyone else in their lives. And for those people– people who lack self-restraint and who assume everyone else is equally crippled– crushes are the scariest thing to a relationship.
@73 Oh, trust me, I can contain myself enough not to act on it. And as @5 pointed out, I’m not a child anymore. But I dunno, it’s been like a year now, and he’s totally unavailable (newlywed and my boss and a neighbor), and it was fun at first, but now it’s just getting old. I guess I just don’t like wanting things I can’t have — I’m not much of a window shopper/wishbooker either. It was easier when I was still married, but now that I’m split and getting back out there, it’s like everybody else doesn’t measure up – If that makes sense. Plus, it sounds like UOF would be a lot happier if she could get over her crush too. And not to mention that housewife from last week… wow. Everybody says “It’s normal” (and I totally agree, you’re always going to be attracted to the type of people you’re attracted to), and they say “just get over it” but nobody ever seems to have any good tips on *how*.
Dear UOF:
Having the crush doesn’t make your significant a jerk. Acting on said crush does.
“Case closed, suitcase filled with clothes.” ©Christopher Wallace
Your response to Please Help Me was correct, but incomplete. As Dr. Ruth once told a young man on a radio call-in program, you have to tell your partner what you want, and if you can’t say the words, then reach out and put his hand – or his face – where you want it.
I hate screen names, you’re the one in the open relationship? If it works for you and you’re not hurting anyone, I’m not one to judge you. But if you don’t subscribe to the magical emotion bullshit, how do you humanize the other persons in your life? Do you assure your girlfriend the other women in your life are nothing except to fornicate with? If you love her, why do you do it? I mean date others beside your significant other? Do you love her because she allows you to treat other women so poorly? It kind of makes sense. I do know some guys that will disrespect other women in front of their girlfriend/wives but all the while, they’ll be either desiring to sleep with the other women or actually be sleeping with them.
I could never subscribe to that lifestyle. Well, anyhow, hope you protect yourself because that is very risky to you and your girlfriend.
What I meant by protect yourself is use condoms…
Haha. Dan always feels like he has to trash guest columnists. I thought Grant gave some good advice and even had some Savage-style humour. Don’t worry Dan, we’d never leave you!
@Wannabe Catholice…
“I’m not one to judge you,” just let me judge you. (Do you even know what it means to judge someone? I’ll tell you…. it’s exactly what you did.)
You’re conflating “love” with “sex,” and assuming that sex is a zero-sum game where someone has to give something up. Many of us have respectful, caring casual sex that doesn’t dehumanize anyone. And many of us also have loving, committed relationships with more than one person. I’m sorry you don’t understand how that happens, but it doesn’t make it not true.
Now that Rick Santorum is talking about running for President in 2012, and making anti-gay comments to boot, sounds like it’s time to start ramping up your Santorum Webpage again Dan. 🙂
@88: No, I’m in a sexually monogamous relationship. I have been in open relationships before, though. My girlfriend made it clear early on that being with her means not being with anyone else, and I accepted those terms.
But if you don’t subscribe to the magical emotion bullshit, how do you humanize the other persons in your life?
Umm… because I’m a decent human being?
I don’t understand what your question is. Are you assuming that being respectful and considerate of others has its origins in emotions? Because I frankly find that worldview disturbing, as it results it only being decent to people you already like.
IMO, the true test of character is how you treat people that you don’t like.
This is Grant. 🙂 Writing this column was fun yet much more difficult than I thought it would be. I’m glad it’s Dan’s job and not mine!
I have to say that I do agree to a point with Dan about sometimes people are just hot, and sometimes you’re just attracted to them. That said, I think that people can be a lot MORE hot if your current situation is NOT. But we can agree to disagree.
Oh, and “Drs. Laura and Phil” Dan? Ouch. I mean really, ouch. You couldn’t have mentioned, I dunno, someone who’s not a complete fucktard?
I was just in a horrible accident where my frontal lobe atrohpied and my balls fell off, now the people writing in to Dan don’t seem like smug crybabies anymore.
I think it’s not so much that you don’t develop crushes when you’re in a happy relationship, but that if your relationship is good and healthy YOU DON’T FUCKING WRITE TO AN ADVICE COLUMNIST ABOUT IT. You say to yourself, “Gee, this person is cute/hot/funny/has big tits and I’d love to kiss/touch/fuck/be fucked by him or her, but that would mess up the relationship I have with _______ and I don’t want to do that.” Maybe you casually mention to your partner that X is kinda cute, maybe you don’t. One girlfriend I always told, mostly because she was bi and got a kick out of it as much as I did–plus just talking about it for some reason both got us really hot. But even if you don’t share, if the relationship is going well crushes aren’t a deep emotional crisis. If it isn’t, and the crushes are a crisis, then you NEED to talk to your partner. Not about who you have a crush on, but about whatever it is that makes you feel this way.
i’m with 77 and 82. they need to see that stump as an opportunity to come up with some unusual and hot foreplay.
@35 I think of a crush as somewhere in between. Sort of a -He’s such a cool person, every time I see him or talk to him I think about how if I were still single I’d fuck his brains out. And I have so much fun thinking about that, I go home to my husband and fuck his brains out instead. (Not that I’m not focused on my husband at the time, but a crush builds up the appetite beforehand.)
That’s what I’d describe as a crush. Much more than just a passing lustful glance at a stranger, but not the head-over-heels let’s run away together bs.
I’m actually a better advice columnist than Dan Savage. I also cover parenting and the best ways to avoid it.
Question #23: “My Husband Smelled A Little Differently Yesterday. What Should I Do?”
Question answered at:
The Absentee Daddy Blog
I answer all questions ever.
@59: I think they are cutting him some slack by saying “tell him what you want him to do”, rather than “Dump him for being a jerk”… he’s not so screwed up by the loss that he’s not having sex at all, he’s just not making a reasonable effort to make it fun for her, too.
I’m with Dan on UOF’s case. I’m bi. I love my gf very much. I get crushes all the time(on guys).
The way it works out is that I tell her then we seduce them. Before you know it, we’re both inside of her and everyone’s stoked! Try that one out!
@102 – I like your spirit of initiative. Personally, I find that having something large stuffed in my mouth provides the right compromise: loud enough moans that I get my point across, but quiet enough not to wake the neighbors.
@103/104- the fact that some number of us went to see what you were on about doesn’t mean we were impressed by what we saw. Stick around and try to stay on topic, and you’ll make more friends than by coming over just to spam us.
I have never commented before, but I want to agree with Grant because I have been exactly in UOF’s boyfriend’s position. My boyfriend moved across the globe to join me while I started an intensive grad program. When he got here, he made zero effort to look for a job, hobby, or his own friends. I did my best to insert him into my social circle so he wouldn’t be isolated (and got him a job, which he whined nonstop about). He developed crushes on half a dozen girls in my program, which we would joke about, would flirt at the bar (we had an open relationship, but the rules were no mutual friends and no emotions), and I was totally fine with it.
Then I went away for two months. He partied it up with my friends, and then flew cross country to have an affair with someone I considered my close friend in my program. The sex only lasted a week (as long as he could stay with her), but it was followed by the whole nine yards of an email relationship–lovey dovey emails, and even a marriage proposal to this “friend” and colleague of mine. He claimed it was because he was lonely, she was one of his few friends.
Basically, I did my best to try and help my bf be less isolated, am not in any way a jealous person, had an open relationship, and he AND a good friend turned out to be a CPOS. The worst? He can go home and forget about the whole thing, but I am stuck interacting with this woman for the next 5 years of my life in a fairly close professional and sometimes social setting. Obviously you can’t switch doctoral programs like you can jobs, plus I’m not dropping out of the top PhD program in my field because she is a CPOS. If he’d had his own friends and cheated, I could at least not ever have to deal with either one of them again if I didn’t want to. So…he didn’t shit where he lived, he shat where I lived, and then left.
So…moral of the story? If she decides to cheat on her boyfriend with someone in his grad program, he will have to deal with the ramifications far longer than she will ever have to.
Yes, everybody has crushes. That’s true. But when a monogamously identified person has a crush SO strong, that they start to really want to cheat on their partner, then it usually is a sign that they’re not that attached to their relationship.
Sometimes, it can mean that they’re simply not the monogamous type. But for people who really *like* monogamy, then, if they really care for their partner, they will stay away any crush that is more than a harmless distraction.
@107
We may both have questionable taste in men, but I don’t choose to sleep with the fiance of my best friend in the program and assume that no one will ever find out about it. Moreover, she made it clear in her emails to him she valued my friendship far more than her relationship with him. That indicates, at the very least, extremely poor decision making skills and a limited ability to think through the consequences of one’s actions. Not to mention a complete fail in friendship skills. But…other than that, yeah, we must be exactly the same.
I am with my boyfriend of 4 years and get crushes sometimes. It’s funny though because then if I ever actually spend a significant amount of time with the “crush” I realize I don’t really want to be with them. I think it’s just fun to think about someone else once in a while. Let yourself have fun, masturbate thinking about them, and don’t let yourself feel guilty! Sometimes I find that it rejuvinates my feelings for my bf because I realize nobody is as great as he is! That make sense to anyone else?