I am 50 and a lesbian. I have had a pretty active sex life for the last 30 years. For the last three years, I’ve been with a woman I love very much. We have amazing sexual chemistry—by far the best I have experienced.
For the last two years, I have noticed that my clitoris is getting bigger. Not trans-man-takes-testosterone big, but substantially bigger than it has ever been. I thought it was due to a big increase in sexual excitement, but it soon became clear that the enlargement was a permanent thing. It gets much more erect than it used to and often throbs or twitches after I come.
No one’s complaining. I am enjoying the heightened sexual arousal, and my GGG girlfriend is thrilled. But why/how is this happening? Could it get even bigger? And why now? I hit menopause seven years ago, so it’s not some weird hormone surge. Could our sexual connection have caused this all by itself? I don’t really want to ask my gynecologist, though I did notice her checking out my equipment with wide eyes at my last checkup.
Stiffie Needs A Zipcode
“I always like to hear from people who are satisfied with their sex lives and relationships,” says author, sex researcher, vulva-puppeteer, and archrival sex-advice columnist Debby Herbenick, and I have to agree. Most of our mail comes from people who are unhappy with their sex lives and/or dissatisfied with their relationships. It’s always nice to hear from folks who are having fun. What’s not so nice is that we sometimes have to tell happy-and-satisfied folks that something may be seriously wrong.
“I would strongly encourage her to ask her gynecologist about her enlarged clitoris,” says Herbenick. “She should be very clear about when she first noticed this and roughly how much she thinks it’s increased in size. She needs her doctor to examine her clit and rule out various medical conditions that could cause hormonal problems. Sometimes these are benign health conditions; unfortunately, sometimes they include vulvar cancers, ovarian cancers, and adrenal cancers that, for example, may present with symptoms including an enlarged clitoris.”
Some women believe their clitorises “grew” after menopause, but that’s not usually the case. When estrogen levels drop during menopause, other parts of the vulva—such as the labia—can become flatter or less prominent, which can in turn make the clitoris appear bigger. “However, she’s been in menopause for a long time,” says Herbenick, “and it sounds like the clitoral change happened well into menopause.” And amazing sex does not supersize clits: “High levels of arousal usually result in only a temporary swelling of the clitoris,” says Herbenick.
So make another appointment to see your doctor, SNAZ, “and keep asking questions until she’s sure that medical conditions, such as cancers, have been ruled out,” urges Herbenick. And if your gynecologist doesn’t want to discuss your megaclit or was too stupid to spot what could be a symptom of common lady-parts cancers (!), time to get a new gynecologist.
My husband is beautiful, awesome, etc. Unfortunately, his dick is small. It wasn’t so bad our first few years together; he knows how to work what he’s got. But then I had a baby, and I tore. A few days later, my stitches tore. At my six-week checkup, I asked why I couldn’t get restitched and the doctor told me, “Vaginas are very forgiving.” But a year later, Kegels aren’t helping and both of us are having trouble getting off.
I want to get a vaginoplasty to fit him, but I’ll have to wait till we’ve saved up enough money to pay for it. Please, Dan, tell me how to have hotter sex with a small dick and a shredded kitty.
Unforgiving
“Many women who have had multiple or traumatic births—and it sounds like she had a good deal of tearing—have some degree of prolapse,” says Herbenick. (A uterine prolapse, says the Wiki, “occurs when the female pelvic organs fall from their normal position, into or through the vagina.”) “If she did have prolapse,” says Herbenick, “she may be a candidate for anterior or posterior vaginal wall repair, which is quite similar to vaginal ‘rejuvenation’ surgeries, and then insurance may cover the surgery.
“Some people will wildly disagree with me and say that women shouldn’t have surgery ‘to please their man,’ but I don’t see that here,” Herbenick adds. “I see two people who are married and want better sex, and she may have experienced some physical changes that have affected that. And there are ways to fix it.”
Debby Herbenick is the associate director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University and the author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction, a book that I strongly recommend even though Debby once attacked me with a vulva puppet in a room full of people.
I live in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Grange, a local restaurant, has a cocktail called “GGGinger.” Is it possible for a cocktail to be GGG? And how does it feel to have inspired one?
Curious Cocktail Connection
A cocktail can’t be GGG, CCC, but a couple of cocktails—enough to take the edge off inhibitions, not so much to make consent unpossible—can induce GGG. And, I’m saddened to report, the GGGinger’s Gs refer to three of the gin-based cocktail’s ingredients—ginger beer, candied ginger, and ginger syrup—and not to the Savage Love meme “good, giving, and game.” Still, Grange co-owner Brandon Johns is confident that his GGGingers have inspired GGG behavior all over Ann Arbor. “It’s been our most popular drink since we opened,” says Johns, “so it must be doing something right.We also do pitchers of them, and when a couple shares one of those—let’s just say that something good is bound to come of that.”
And in other, more successful Savage Love memes… Former US senator and current presidential candidolt Rick Santorum “opened up” to Roll Call last week about his “longtime Google problem,” aka “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex” and always the
number-one search result when you Google the former senator’s last name.
“It’s one guy,” Santorum told Roll Call. “You know who it is… It’s unfortunate that we have someone who obviously has some issues.”
I do have issues—I have lots of issues—but I take particular issue with politicians who compare loving, stable same-sex relationships to “man on dog” sex, as Santorum has done, or who would ban same-sex marriage and adoptions by same-sex couples, as Santorum has promised to do if he gets elected president. But the lowercase s santorum campaign wasn’t “one guy.” A lot of people were involved—from the Savage Love reader who first suggested that we redefine his name to all the folks who’ve written about it over the years (thanks, Roll Call!)—just like a lot of people were involved in turning Rick Santorum out of office in 2006, an election he lost by an 18-point santorumslide.
The website that’s still giving Rick Santorum fits—www.spreadingsantorum.com—hasn’t been updated since 2004. But we will be relaunching the site in the next few weeks. Stay tuned!
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
@204: A GREAT argument for the BDSM model of sexual pre-negotiation for EVERYONE!
The best sex I ever had with a previously-vanilla guy was when he asked me, when after a few dates it became obvious that we were going to end up in bed sooner rather than later, “What do you like? If we’re going to do this I want it to be good.” That, of course, made it utterly painless (all reverse puns intended!) for me to tell him I liked it rough…AND for me to ask him inreturn for the same sort of explicit disclosure of preferences that makes responsible BDSM pairings so delightlfully free of ambiguity and the potential for real emotional damage.
Vanillas, get a clue: WHATEVER you need sexually, talk it out BEFORE YOU BEGIN — that way NOBODY wastes time, hurts feelings or has their own feelings hurt, or lets things get as far as moving to another region sight unseen to be with someone you’ve never even seen let alone fucked (yes, this actually happens: I can name four female friends in the past ten years who have done exactly this, with horrid consequences…the one other friend for whom it did work out was PURE LUCK: a freak exception, NOT “the rule”).
@211 (EricaP), who wrote: Sociologist Elizabeth Armstrong has shown that women do not feel entitled to sexual pleasure in casual heterosexual encounters. They seem to be more focused on providing the male partner with pleasure.
Sufficiently many (about 50%) of the women I went to bed fit this pattern for me to agree it’s very widespread; they were more concerned with what I wanted than with what they wanted, and were somewhat surprised that I wanted to know what they wanted rather than what I wanted. They reacted at first as if I wasn’t supposed to ask, or as if I should guess, or… as if pleasing me were the point. Which to me has a slightly mood-killing, let’s-just-get-done-with-it-shall-we-honey taste. To me that’s a pity, since I frankly don’t really enjoy it (not anymore than I enjoy masturbation) unless I can service her, too. Or else isn’t it just like masturbation with porn? (Nothing against that; but if I’m with a real person, it’s an opportunity for trying something I can’t get by myself with porn.)
Do men ever take that upon themselves? I’ve rarely had a guy tell me what I should do to please him. Besides my husband, I think I’ve never heard the words “I wish you would…” (or their equivalents) come out of a guy’s mouth.
I don’t know much about other men — since I’m not bi and I’ve never been in an MMF threesome, I’ve actually never seen a real, non-porn man other than myself having sex; but I certainly am able to tell what I like or don’t like. The fact that I have a few kinks does make talking mandatory — no talkin’, no getting’. But even for more parochial things like blowjobs–some girls aren’t that experienced (or hadn’t met me before, choose the best alternative) and didn’t really stimulate me well. In those occasions, I did go “OK honey, but can you perhaps do it like this and like this? It’ll be so much better!…” or something like that.
If things go smoothly, there’s no need for much talking. I would expect a man to at least say something if what he and his partner are doing isn’t pleasant to him, though. Don’t they usually? If you do something to a guy that he doesn’t like, won’t he at least tell you that?
I REALLY wish someone who had some computer skills would just set up a damn forum already.
@212, have you tried standing next to him while he flogs the bed, and encouraging him to hit harder and harder? If he gets used to the feeling without a person involved, he may be able to transfer that to your back. Similarly, when training a guy to squeeze nipples harder, it can help to talk it out with him pinching your arm harder and harder. Gives ’em a taste of what you’re talking about, in a clear, non-sexual way.
@214 I did carve out an exception for kinky guys 🙂
@210: This is just a specific example of the problem of muscle imbalance. For instance, if you work your upper body but not your lower body muscles, you can have knee problems. If you work your kegels extensively, but don’t work any of the surrounding muscles, this can also cause problems. It’s not that you shouldn’t do kegels, it’s that you should never intensively work only one muscle in isolation.
There’s a few different muscles (the whole pelvic muscle group actually) that can squeeze the penis: kegels work the PC muscle which is one of them.
@217 So – squats and kegels? Are there others? Do I need to drag myself to a gym?
@11: BRAVO!!!! I could NOT have said it better myself!!!! You GO!!!
@31: Alas, Professor Santorum, who earned his teaching certification out of a Crackerjack box, demonstrates once again that he doesn’t know squat.
Dan Savage is a stupid queer!
@221 He’s rubber, you’re glue, what you say bounces off him and sticks to you.
Nyah nyah.
@218: I don’t think you need to panic. A lot of women do kegels regularly and most don’t have pelvic floor problems.
That said, doing squats, abs, and leg exercises and stretches will definitely complement kegels and make your sex life better, as well as improving your health, mood, stamina, and energy level. Everyone should be going to the gym regularly, though you can do stretches and exercises like squatting and planks at home without any equipment needed.
I “wildly disagree” that either prolapse or a loose vagina can be “fixed” with A&P repair. For over 100 years women have been subjected to these surgeries, which are fraught with risk and failure, because uninformed people like Herbenick promote them.
Neither kegels nor surgery will fix a loose vagina. Kegels are simply the wrong concept. The way to tighten a vagina is to stretch the pelvic floor to its full dimensions so the genital hiatus closes like a pair of elevator doors. This is accomplished by lifting the tailbone, which over time will realign fascial planes. These are postural problems that can be dramatically improved by changing the skeletal framework from which the vagina suspends.
It is the highly specialized connective tissue (fascia) surrounding the pelvic organs and vaginal walls that allow the organs and their channels to slide past one another as they perform their various functions. Anterior and posterior colporrhaphy dissect through the fascial layers so the bladder and front vaginal wall, and rectum and back vaginal wall, become fused. No longer can the organs move independently, but are obliged to move as one block. The urogynecologic literature states that women who have had prolapse surgery stand a 500% increased risk of onset of new symptoms. These are often far more severe than the original condition. And there is no further surgical “fix”. Women are frequently left devastated, in pain, and with serious defacatory dysfunction for the rest of their lives.
Ms. Herbenick is correct that the new vaginal rejuvenation surgeries are “quite similar” to A&P repairs. The failure rates are the same and the risks are the same. These operations should never be performed on women.
Christine Kent, Whole Woman, Inc.
I “wildly disagree” that either prolapse or a loose vagina can be “fixed” with A&P repair. For over 100 years women have been subjected to these surgeries, which are fraught with risk and failure, because uninformed people like Herbenick promote them.
Neither kegels nor surgery will fix a loose vagina. Kegels are simply the wrong concept. The way to tighten a vagina is to stretch the pelvic floor to its full dimensions so the genital hiatus closes like a pair of elevator doors. This is accomplished by lifting the tailbone, which over time will realign fascial planes. These are postural problems that can be dramatically improved by changing the skeletal framework from which the vagina suspends.
It is the highly specialized connective tissue (fascia) surrounding the pelvic organs and vaginal walls that allows the organs and their channels to slide past one another as they perform their various functions. Anterior and posterior colporrhaphy dissect through the fascial layers so the bladder and front vaginal wall, and rectum and back vaginal wall, become fused. No longer can the organs move independently, but are obliged to move as one block. The urogynecologic literature states that women who have had prolapse surgery stand a 500% increased risk of onset of new symptoms. These are often far more severe than the original condition. And there is no further surgical “fix”. Women are frequently left devastated, in pain, and with serious defacatory dysfunction for the rest of their lives.
Ms. Herbenick is correct that the new vaginal rejuvenation surgeries are “quite similar” to A&P repairs. The failure rates are the same and the risks are the same. These operations should never be performed on women.
Christine Kent, Whole Woman, Inc.
@225 – I have no knowledge about surgery for prolapse or loose vaginas. But I myself had a 2nd degree tear, which was stitched up incredibly badly (the swelling made the tissue hard to sort out at the time). The doctor I saw afterwards refused to treat my sexual dysfunction, except with a dilator. And I didn’t know enough to insist.
When my second kid was born, I explained the situation ahead of time to the OB, and she was able (during the birth process) to unfold and fix what had been folded over and stitched the wrong way. (It helped that everything was calmer during the 2nd birth because I’d had an epidural.)
Bottom line: intercourse had sucked for me for three years between children, and then it was hugely better once the repair was made. That’s a vote for some surgical repairs, though again, I have no opinion about surgery for prolapse.
@ 225, can you point to any other studies that agree with yours? It makes some sense, but I feel like I can’t specifically trust the word of someone who sells DVDs on the subject. Could you point me towards some literature on the subject?
Forgiving – after severe 4th degree tearing and reconstructive surgery from a vaginal birth – (note to the younger women out there: When your OB offers an episiotomy and forceps because he is late for a c-section delivery? Refuse!)
Nothing ever goes back quite the same and nerve damage sucks. Luckily we finally tried anal sex and we much prefer it now. Even if you didn’t enjoy it before, give it another try and you may discover it is actually better than vaginal intercourse for you both now.
You know, the way I found out about santorum was that I heard someone use it, and asked what it meant. They explained the “frothy mixture thing” and we all laughed. I thought perhaps this term had been in use all along, and I’d merely never heard of it. For all I knew, it could be a term from the middle ages.
Having a hobby interest in etymology, I eventually decided to look it up. And then when I discovered the origin of the word, I laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
Heck, even if you type in his whole name, the Wikipedia entry is still the second hit – and far above his own official site.
I hope you realize you’ve added a lot of joy to a lot of people’s days. And hey! New word! How many people get to take credit for a true neologism? I’ll bet this one will be in use for generations, long after the ex-senator is forgotten. Or is only remembered as “the guy whose name means…”