I’m a 34-year-old straight
woman living with a 32-year-old straight man. His daughter is
2, and I am the only mother she has ever known. (Her real mother is a
crack whore somewhere.) My boyfriend tells me he loves me, but it
doesn’t feel like he wants to spend any time with me. I pay the rent
and am the only person in our household with a full-time job. When I
get home, I want to relax. He wants to go out because he has been
sitting at home all day. If he hasn’t been at home, he has been running
around with his friends. This pisses me off, and I am not afraid to
tell him so. His response? “You’re just jealous because you have to
work!” Damn right I’m jealous! Also, I do all the cooking and don’t get
any help with cleanup or housework.

Other factors include my 13-year-old son,
who has had trouble adjusting to a baby in the house; my boyfriend’s
outstanding warrants; and the fact that I have desperately wanted
another baby for 10 years. What on earth should I do?

Back Against The Wall

Here’s one occupational hazard of the
advice-column bidness: If you’re not careful, if you’re not constantly
on your guard, you can fill your column with letters like BATW’s. Your
column fills up with letters from people asking, in essence, “DTMFA?”
and you’re forced to respond, “Yes, for fuck’s sake, DTMFA.” (For those
of you just tuning in: DTMFA stands for “dump the motherfucker
already.”) You may be helping people, sure, but your column quickly
becomes a tedious slog, people stop reading, and then you have to get a
real job at an auto plant or a hedge fund or a daily newspaper.

But there is one good reason to run DTMFA
letters: You can dispose of the letter quickly—keep the baby, if
at all possible, BATW, and DTMF’ing freeloading, inconsiderate piece of
shit—and move on to more interesting topics.

For instance: A new study out of the Bradley
Hasbro Children’s Research Center found that “anal sex is on the rise”
among straight teenagers and young adults. According to a
heavy-breathing report from ABC News, straight kids are having butt sex
“to please a partner, to have sex without the risk of pregnancy, or
to preserve their virginity.”

I’m old enough to remember when getting
fucked in the ass was considered a sex act, something that virgins,
almost by definition, shied away from. But that was before kids were
subjected to religious indoctrination masquerading as sex-ed.
Abstinence “educators” emphasize the importance of virginity—but
they only talk about vaginal intercourse because they figure if we
don’t tell kids about anal sex they’ll never figure out what
brown can do for them. But they do figure it out. And lacking accurate
info, kids aren’t just concluding that anal sex isn’t really sex. (“Otherwise it would’ve been covered in our sex-ed classes,
right?”) Kids are telling researchers that anal intercourse, unlike the
premarital vaginal intercourse they were warned about (STDs! Pregnancy!
Eternal damnation!), carries no risk of disease. (I can’t wait
to tell all my dead friends!)

I wanted to scream and yell about this
study—and a DTMFA letter leaves plenty of room—but then I
figured, you know, fuck it. I’ve been ranting and raving about
the idiocy of abstinence education for 10 years. Obviously I can’t beat
’em, so I might as well join ’em. All my life I’ve had to listen to
fundamentalist Christian bigots like Pat Robertson and Rick
Warren—Rick Warren, Obama?—fume about all the terrible, no
good, really bad sodomy gay men get up to. But I haven’t been
sodomizing the boyfriend all these years! I’ve been preserving
his virginity.

I’ve been preserving the shit out of
my boyfriend’s virginity for 14 years now. If my boyfriend ever decides
to marry a woman—miracles can happen!—he’ll be able to wear
white at his wedding. Hell, he’s so pure he can wear Saran Wrap at his
wedding. And his wife will have me to thank for delivering him to her
with his virginity intact. (Unfortunately, the boyfriend can’t preserve
my virginity. As a teenager, I had actual vaginal intercourse, under
duress, with an actual female’s actual vagina.) But until the boyfriend
meets the right girl, I’m going to keep preserving the living shit out
of his virginity. His virginity isn’t going anywhere—not on my
watch.

My girlfriend’s parents are
very wealthy and are paying for her education. They also bought her an
apartment and give her tons of spending money. My dad is dead(beat) and
my mom is a waitress, and I’m paying my way through school. My
girlfriend demands gifts and flowers. I pay for everything when we go
out. Other than this, she’s sweet and attractive. Once I graduate and
start working, I’ll be happy to pay for everything. But how do I
convince her that things have to be more egalitarian for the time being
without losing her?

Boyfriend Reeling Over Killer Expenses

P.S. She’s only ever physically
affectionate after I’ve spent money on her.

DTMFA, BROKE. And here’s hoping that the
girlfriend’s parents invested all their money with Bernard Madoff, and
that the spoiled-
rotten little whore they raised has to get a job
and start pulling her own weight.

And, hey, here’s another interesting study:
While straight kids are busily boning each other’s butts—the
better to preserve their virginities!—gay teenagers are
knocking each other up. According to a study out of the
University of British Columbia, lesbian and gay teenagers are seven
times likelier to get knocked up than their straight peers. How the
hell does that happen? Well, gay teens are having straight sex in order
“to prove they are heterosexual to avoid harassment and discrimination”
by their parents and peers. In other words, gay kids are still having
heterosexual sex under duress. This is where abstinence education and
homophobia have gotten us: Gay kids are having vaginal intercourse and
straight kids are having anal intercourse. Good work, sexphobes!

I’ve been reading your column since I was 13. I’m 20 now and dating a 41-year-old crossdresser. We
were friends for six months before he told me he wouldn’t be able to
spend time with me anymore unless we “got closer.” A couple months
later, he told me he is into pegging. Now, pegging is all he wants to
do. He also told me that he wants to transition from male to female,
but he changed his mind and stopped going to his appointments. All that
is background to what has been happening recently. When we fight
lately, he makes threatening gestures like he is going to punch me. He
also pulls my hair and chokes me. He refuses to apologize and tells me
I deserve it. I don’t know what to do.

Worried And Sad

You’ve been reading my column since you were
13, WAS, and you don’t know what to do? DTMFA—right fucking
now, this fucking minute, without fucking delay. Choking and
hair-pulling is physical abuse; telling you that you “deserve it” is
emotional abuse. And those raised fists—not very ladylike of him,
I must say—are a prologue to more extreme acts of abuse.
DTMFA.

Everyone else: Get your tickets right this
fucking minute to The Stranger‘s inauguration-day brunch, hosted
by me, by visiting www.thestranger.com/inauguration or calling 206-838-4333. The Stranger‘s on vacation next week,
but you can find a new column next Wednesday on our website.

mail@savagelove.net

85 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. Um, Bec, that may be true (for you, no “breath-play” for me, thanks), but you know, someone describing their violent relationship is not really the time to start raving about how teh k1nk gets you off.

  3. Dan, why are you hosting an inaugration party when obama is insulting all of us who support gay rights at said inaugration?? I’m not celebrating .

  4. Dan, I’ll let you have this one … but seriously, stop using your advice column to “vent” about gay issues. It’s beyond annoying. Sorry, but trying to persuade more straight people to accept “butt sex” is not going to make more straight people accept homosexuals. Gay is fine for you and for anybody who chooses it, but “going brown” is not cool or normal.

    Stick to the questions you’re asked and let go of the personal agenda.

  6. I don’t think BROKE’s real dilemma was addressed. Sure the girl is a whore, and living with her will be a never ending PITA, but let’s not forget that her daddy is rich. So he is asking how does he get through the current financial situation into alimony nirvana?

  7. I don’t think BROKE’s real dilemma was addressed. Sure the girl is a whore, and living with her will be a never ending PITA, but let’s not forget that her daddy is rich. So he is asking how does he get through the current financial situation into alimony nirvana?

  9. A high-maintenance beauty doesn’t come cheap. And plenty of men are willing to pony up the necessary dough to be seen with such a woman. If BROKE wants to date a woman with stylish clothes, a nice manicure, and salon styled hair, etc. – he better get used to paying for it.

  10. Dear Sara- Look, if this column had on its agenda the cause of getting more people to accept (not to mention practice) “butt sex” it would probably not be referred to as “going brown,” you think?! I’d hazard a guess that the agenda (letters and comment) has more to do w/ exploding preconceptions of “normal” sex like yours. Butt sex, along w/ other assorted kinds of sex, are a given here. Besides, wasn’t the example of butt sex used specifically to point out how upside-down stupid are the ideas of “normal” sex advocated by the abstinence sex ed movement? So you don’t like it up the butt (me neither)but, really, what does “normal” have to do w/ it?

  11. Hey everybody: Please don’t assume that only dumb people get into — and stuck in — abusive relationships. I’m the overeducated, professional daughter of a feminist, educated, professional woman. I knew better than to get involved with the man I fell in love with, and I knew the signs when our relationship started going into a surprisingly wide gray area. And yet I made all the same internal arguments that you’ve read in these letters. That’s why it’s so important to have trusted friends — or sex-advice columnists — to remind you to DTMFA.

  12. Another POV on BROKE…my sweet wife was raised with a silver spoon, and ZERO emotional support or affection. For her, affection was given in the form of something bought ‘just for her’. THANK GOD she’d had some time to grow and mature before we got together…. but something that BROKE may want to consider is that his GF may still be living with the assumption that her love/affection must be bought.
    The only way things could possibly work out in that relationship is for BROKE to try to understand *why* she behaves that way…and for the GF to grow up and see that love can’t be paid for in cash.

  13. Maybe WAS should take some pics with her dildo up his tranny ass and put them somewhere safe before dumping his violent self. Might come in handy.

  14. The two things I love the most about this week’s column are as follows:

    1. The completely offhand mention of BATW’s boyfriend’s “outstanding warrants”. Jer-RY! Jer-RY!

    and

    2. That MORE THAN ONE person took seriously a post with the sign-off “haha”. Please, don’t post until you’ve had your morning coffee, mmmkay?

  15. I say let Them have virginity for Their own.

    They’re going to either have to accept marriage equality in some form within our projected lifetimes or They’re going to have to do like the FLDS–live in reservations seperate from the sinful worldly world the rest of us call home.

    I feel sorry for Them. They’ve had to accept that the persons of non-white proclivities are in fact human beings, as good as the rest of us. They’ve had to accept that gay people can’t be imprisoned for their gayness. They’ve had to accept that the Earth is spherical and revolves around the sun.

    They’re going to have to accept that evolution is more than just a theory. They’re going to have to accept reproductive freedom. And They’re going to have to accept that gay people are entitled to the same rights as the rest of us.

    I say let Them have Their virginity.

    Let them define virginity as only the lack of union between cock and pussy. They place some kind of Holy mojo on it. Let Them have it.

    It’s a pity fuck to make what matters go down that little bit easier.

  16. Speaking of premarital sex … Bristol Palin’s baby is now 9-11 days overdue, depending on who you heard her due date from. Just one of those interesting little things …

  18. Dan, you (correctly) point out each week ways in which your readers should take personal responsibility over their lives and actions, and yet you blame society (and implicitly, religious folk) for the high rates of promiscuity and pregnancy among gay teenagers. These kids don’t do anything under duress, unlike teenagers in Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Somalia, and other oppressive societies where teen pregnancy rates are, unsurprisingly, low. And yet you make excuses for the actions of kids living in the free world. If their actions bother you, you should look for the problem somewhere else and stop beating the dead “abstinence ed” horse.

    And by your logic, Rush Limbaugh should be exonerated of any allegations of bigotry for his indefensible comments about Obama and other African-Americans. He was under duress from his right-wing listening audience.

  20. Dear Sara, I am a straight man, and while I’m sad to say anal sex isn’t on the menu as often as I’d like, it’s definitely a lot of fun and can be very rewarding if she’s into it. So, to sum up: it ought to be normal and it definitely is cool.

  21. According to your statistics, Sarah Palin’s daughter is probably gay. Wow! That’s even more ironic than a kid that was only taught abstinence as birth control getting knocked up.

  22. Hi Dan. Just wanted to say that BROKE’s letter reminded me of radio personality/columnist Marc Rudov – not a nice guy, mind you, just an investment banker who often complains about women who always expect men to pay more than half the time – and the women are often rich! I suspect this problem is more common when the man actually has a good job, just as male celebrities complain they can’t find any non-golddiggers. But yes, there ARE women who know their manners, do the inviting and paying half the time, and don’t “demand” presents.

  24. Unfortunately, I’ve seen many girls like WAS in my emergency room, so I believe that the last letter is probably real.

    “Choking” is something that one does when an object gets stuck in one’s throat. What her boyfriend is doing is STRANGLING her, and it’s surprisingly easy to crush someone’s windpipe when angry.

  25. i can cuss like a truck driver, but i’d agree about the language. when it’s printed/part of a publication it just seems especially class-less…i guess it’s about different standards. and, although it’s silly to say it’s “hip in your (dan’s) circles,” i do wonder: who are you trying to impress or rein in? there will always be an abundance of fags, groupies, and sexually-stunted individuals to worship you–not a gripe, but here’s one: i’ve sent several genuine letters, as much as the next asshole–none of which have been answered. who picks the letters you answer? it can’t possibly be you, because they’re so awful and trite and ridiculous and did i mention BORING. a fratty mcfrat frat might say something like, “STEP YOUR GAME UP,” dan.

  27. about that last letter : perhaps at the back of her mind she kind of thinks that she actually deserves it? otherwise, why would she still ask? maybe she should evaluate herself?

  28. “All my life I’ve had to listen to fundamentalist Christian bigots like Pat Robertson and Rick Warren—Rick Warren, Obama?—fume…”

    Good, maybe you can refocus your resentment for Obama’s ‘betrayal’ of progressive values on the candidate himself and not his entire ‘race’.

    http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/is…

    I dont suppose youve read the new figures for Black votes on Prop 8, or more importantly, found the moral courage to admit you were wrong in your attacks and apologize.

  29. I have agree with Rob – there’s always another one, provided you have your own shit straight. As long as they feel there’s something worthwhile within you, they’ll keep coming.

  30. I want to see another column where Dan presents fake letters and explains how he knows it right off. Some are blatantly fake, but Dan must also receive some well-crafted fakes.

  31. It was over 40 years ago that the biologist/population expert Garrett Hardin wrote that “virtue is one of the causes of unwanted pregnancy”.

    He theorized when young people are taught that “only bad girls do it” then they won’t use or have on hand birth control, because to have it on hand means you were planning to do it, which means you’re a slut. But if you don’t have it or use it, then you weren’t planning it, then it “just happened” and you’re still a good girl.

    Sounds like this sort of brain dead excuse for thought continues today with the added threat of STD’s ! Abstinence education? Hardin could have told you 40 years ago that it was a bad idea.

  33. I’m from Malaysia, a country with first world infrastructure but with third world mentality. Over here butt sex is on the increase too. Guys hit on naive young girls by telling them butt sex is the way to go to avoid pregnancies and getting their vagina all stretched out so their future husbands won’t dump them like hot potatoes. Me is one of them. First I got finger banged. Then he shoved the rounded end of a plastic spoon handle into my ass. Now its pure rock hard cock all the way. The thing is its fucking pleasurable too.

  34. “But until the boyfriend meets the right girl, I’m going to keep preserving the living shit out of his virginity. His virginity isn’t going anywhere—not on my watch.”

    really? I love you. so much <3 the world needs more Dan Savages. that was a totally misplaced rant that veered so far off course i forgot where we started. awesome. just awesome.

  35. I don’t know about anyone else but this line made my radar go on:

    “I’m 20 now and dating a 41-year-old crossdresser. We were friends for six months before he told me he wouldn’t be able to spend time with me anymore unless we “got closer.”

    My first thought was “control freak.” He’s 41 and she’s 20. He’s a predator looking for someone to control and now, to abuse.
    Before anyone jumps on the “20 year olds can know themselves, blah, blah, blah” yea, I was 20 once too but that isn’t the point.
    It is the wording and the controlling aspect of “I can’t spend any time with you unless we “get closer.” She knew it as well or she wouldn’t have emphasised the words.
    He sought her out and has been “grooming” her for the inevitable (in his mind) controlling, abusive thing he needs help with.

    As for #9, I can’t believe no one else picked up on it:
    “I’ll be the first kinkster to note that for some of us consensual choking and hair-pulling is damn-fine fun… *swoon*

    Hey, way to throw a confusing message into the mix for a 20 year old, let’s face it, girl, who sounds like she is VERY unclear on what “consensual” even means.
    Honey, you’re either part of the problem or part of the solution and you’ve chosen to be part of the problem.
    The 20 year old is being sucked in by a creepy old guy who needs to get his ass to the nearest therapist and sort that fucked up head of his out.
    The girl can either learn from this (then again, if she’s with some guy who is using his sexuality for manipulation anyway, then she’s probably just as screwed up in the head and most likely “attracted” him anyway) or she can choose to continue her “abusee” pattern.
    We can only hope for her that she chooses to learn from the experience and get some help as to why she doesn’t have boundaries.
    Does she think that a creepy old 41 year old is “all she can get?” (And, yes, folks, I am older than that but when I was 20, you’re damned right that 41 is old!)
    Why was she so concerned about losing this creep anyway? That whole, “unless we get closer” thing is manipulation on the highest scale and now, she KNOWS that it is leading to a very dark and bad place and her confidence has been eroded.

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