After months of unspoken concern, the question suddenly comes at us from all
corners. “So,” asks the co-worker, the bank teller, the long-distance friend.
“What do you think of this war?” Our reply has been a voluminous sputter, blaming
our criminal lack of interest on the paralyzing surreality that’s gripped the
nation since George W. Bush seemed to hijack the presidency with impunity,
compounded to infinity by the 9/11 kaboom. Frankly, Last Days still doesn’t
understand how the Supreme Court ruled Bush into the presidency, and educating
ourselves on the intricacies of the Middle East situation well enough to earn an
opinion has thus far remained near the bottom of our “To Do” list. In this
topsy-turvy age of payola presidents and threats of religious nuclear war, maybe
the best anyone can do is enjoy each day as a precious gift, and if this means
caring more about the outcome of the Oscars than the outcome of elections, so be
it. Or maybe, like a majority of white American men, Last Days’ sharpest
instincts are for rationalizing our own comfort. Whatever the case, this week’s
column is devoted entirely to escapist crap.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 14 Last Days’ Crap Week begins with the latest
legal blow for Naomi Campbell, the British supermodel whose courtroom
saga began way back in February 2001. That’s when the British tabloid The
Daily Mirror published a tell-all story on Naomi Campbell’s drug
addiction, replete with photos of the world-famous supermodel leaving a
Narcotics Anonymous meeting in King’s Road, Chelsea. Campbell promptly
sued, crowing to the press about her “shock, anger, and betrayal,” and
testifying in court about the Mirror‘s “lies.” In March 2001, a British
high court ruling ordered Mirror Group Newspapers to pay Campbell £3,500 for
breach of confidentiality and damages. In April 2001, the Mirror filed an
appeal, claiming the judge had made “fundamental errors” in reaching his
decision–namely, ignoring Naomi Campbell’s lies. Despite her sworn-oath
testimony, Campbell had been thoroughly addicted to drugs, and the Mirror had an arseload of evidence–including rehab registration forms–to prove it.
Today three British appeal court judges upheld the Mirror‘s appeal, ruling
that the story about Campbell’s drug addiction had been justified–because it was
true. Describing Ms. Campbell as an internationally famous fashion model
who courted rather than shunned publicity, Master of the Rolls Lord Phillips said
Campbell had gone out of her way to tell the media that in contrast to other
models, she did not take drugs, stimulants, or other tranquilizers. “This was
untrue,” said Lord Phillips. “She had, in fact, become addicted to drugs.” The
totally busted Campbell must now pay £750,000 in court costs, and pray to
God the British courts don’t charge her skinny ass with perjury.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 15 Speaking of intoxicated ladies: Today on
Bainbridge Island, police arrested an allegedly drunken woman attempting to drive away from an AA meeting. According to the Seattle
Post-Intelligencer, Kelly Dougherty, 33, had tried to drive away from the
Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with her six-year-old daughter in the car.
Thankfully, Dougherty’s boyfriend and another friend pinned her to the ground
until police arrived, but the feisty Ms. Dougherty wasn’t giving up easy. Police
say she punched one officer and kicked another in the stomach before they could
wrangle her into the patrol car; once in the car, Dougherty kicked out a window,
with the broken glass cutting a third officer’s hands. Kelly Dougherty was taken
to Kitsap County Jail on charges of felony assault, disorderly conduct, and
malicious mischief, where she remains pending $10,000 bail.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 16 Speaking of women who should know better:
Madonna has decided to star in another movie, and today Last Days had the
pleasure of reading a plethora of reviews for Swept Away via the miraculous Internet. “It fails on every conceivable level,” gushed the
New York Post, while the Los Angeles Times praised the film’s
“rough-trade Punch and Judy act,” and the typically incontinent Peter Travers at
Rolling Stone was inspired to a new level of directness: “It blows.” Last
Days had the pleasure of attending a screening of Swept Away, and we can
attest that all of the above is true and more. In the latest issue of
Genre (basically a gay Details), Madonna holds forth on how her
devotion to the Kabbalah has affected her art: “In terms of work, I’m much more
conscious about what it’s about, what message it’s sending out into the
universe.” After viewing Swept Away, a lousy film whose primary messages
seem to be “Life is a perpetual power game” and “Hit a woman enough and she’ll
eventually want to have sex with you,” we’re left to wonder if, despite her
lifetime career of genius reinvention, Madonna is retarded. A quick
recollection of things that made us love her–Erotica, Truth or
Dare, the “Like a Prayer” video–proves that hers is a most selective
tardosity, striking once for every two or three strikes of brilliance. Our
theory: In 1982, Madonna made a deal with Satan, promising her everlasting
soul in exchange for lifetime status as the world’s greatest pop star–a bargain
Satan happily accepted, providing Madonna with the genius she’d need to skyrocket
herself into unprecedented heights of the pop-star stratosphere. Unfortunately,
Madonna forgot to stipulate anything about being a movie star;
consequently, as an actress, she’s left to her own earthly talents, which have
proven, time and again, to be minimal. It’s thrilling to see that she’s actually
getting worse: In Swept Away, every line she speaks hits your ears
like a dead fish, with Madonna’s feeble, faux-stately voice registering somewhere
between a frightened six-year-old in a school play and a pretentious 10th-grader
imitating a soap opera. Madonna’s meager acting gifts are thrown into strict
relief by Swept Away‘s 30-second fantasy segment, in which
Madonna’s character lip-synchs a Della Reese tune, mugging sexily, flaunting
herself for the camera, and instantly transforming back into the world’s most
entertaining person. But then it’s back to the script, and Madonna’s
unchangingly bad acting, and zzzzz. Adding injury to insult, today news
agencies across the globe relished reporting Swept Away‘s paltry
box-office receipts. In its opening weekend, Swept Away took in a total of
$375,000; the only major studio film to do worse in the past decade is 1995’s
animated Arabian Knight, featuring the voices of Matthew Broderick and
Jennifer Beals. (Ouch.) As for future acting endeavors, the only movie role
Madonna should even consider accepting is one where she plays a robot, in
a film directed by John Waters.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 17 Nothing happened today (unless you count President
Bush‘s televised signing of the Iraq war resolution, in spite of voluminous
calls from U.N. members begging him not to do it).
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 18 Nothing happened today (unless you count Hot Tipper
Connor‘s account of the shameless, toothless, and surprisingly well-hung
hobo urinating directly onto lunch-hour traffic on Fifth Avenue).
SATURDAY Nothing happened today (at least, nothing frivolous enough for
us to pay attention to).
SUNDAY Ditto.
Send your Hot Tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.
