Back in the ’00s, Andy Haynes was one of the funniest people in Seattle, the proverbial big fish in a medium-sized pond full of discarded Amazon boxes. So, he did what any sensible stand-up comic would do—he moved to NYC to become a small fish in a Big Apple. The risky move has paid off with appearances on Conan, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Montreal’s Just for Laughs Festival, and a Comedy Central Half Hour Special. He also co-hosts a podcast called Miss Me with That with fellow former Seattle comic Wilfred Padua. If you’re a Seattle stand up thinking of moving to NYC, you too may have a shot of getting in there.
Haynes parlays a smooth, non-histrionic delivery into logically flowing sets that touch intelligently and mordantly on race, relationships, sexuality, depression, public transportation, substance abuse, and his own WASP-y looks (e.g., “I suffer from what some people call ‘president face.'”; “I look like a senator’s nephew.”). I interviewed Haynes via email ahead of his four-night stand at Comedy Underground (April 25-28).
The Stranger: In 2019, is the deck stacked against straight white male comics—particularly those with no facial hair? Has the tide finally turned and a consensus formed to the point where people would rather get their humor from anybody other than those of your demographic?
Andy Haynes: I think it’s an interesting time. People saw that there was basically a singular marketed kind of comedy, and after some deserved outrage, people are focusing on representation in the industry. While I can’t say this has helped me, it has helped comedy at large. There’s just more of it, and more variety of comics doing it. With social media, people can follow and see the comics they want where they want.
Having said that, I think white men are doing fine, there’s a lot of us, and I’ve never found myself wishing there was more. Like, “god, I wish there were more Brads and Kyles in this world.” I actually love it when some kind of tragedy happens in a Lake Havasu, or Sun Valley situation. It’s like we’re thinning out the herd, or Highlander?
Your delivery is relatively deadpan. I have great respect for deadpan comedians, because the lack of inflection places a heavier burden on the actual material—which is why Steven Wright is one of my favorites… and because I myself struggle to attain a monotone. Is this how you always talk, or is it a strategy to enhance your act?
I never meant to be deadpan, I’m just dead inside. A husk of a man, a fraud. At least this is what my mother tells me. I think I’m probably on the spectrum. Seriously, I wish I could be more ebullient and big, but it’s never been a good look for me. I’ve always kind of seemed like someone in the middle of a crisis when I try to be bigger, so I’ve kind of accepted it. In person, I’m pretty silly, but like a silly Frankenstein.
What is the most important catalyst for your humor?
Unfortunately, pain and regret, or maybe an awkward painful regrettable moment. It’s really the curse of being a comic. I went through a break up earlier this year, and I was standing in freezing weather waiting for a bus at 1 am. An hour earlier, I had been about to be intimate with my girlfriend. All I could think was how hilarious it all was. It’s basically the same reaction for all of us. About three comics died this winter, and I can almost guarantee that people that loved and cared about them very much were making dark jokes immediately.
What’s a richer source of humor—mundanity or profundity?
I think the mundane. The thing that we all accept, or don’t notice, and then someone says it out loud and we’re all like “Holy shit?! I wish I would’ve thought of that.” But the profound can serve comedy, too, it’s just not as surprising.
What topics will you never address in your act, and why? Or are taboo subjects for the spineless?
I have dabbled in shocking humor, but the entire ethos of it seems a little boring to me. I can think of it in the same vein as vaping, energy drinks, and MMA. However, I talk about everything, which sometimes I wish I didn’t, but my personal failings are way more interesting to dissect than the weather, unless that weather is a large storm that knocked a tree on a homophobic preacher. Man, lightning hitting people is really funny now that I think of it. But I digress, anything can be funny, or not funny, it’s just a matter of craft and respect. If you’re going to talk about sexual abuse or a tragedy, you better fucking believe in what you’re saying.
Why are you not as famous as John Mulaney yet?
Well, one huge factor is John is a genius and I’m probably the equivalent of the smartest regional manager of a wireless provider. I think he really knew who he was and what he wanted to do very early. It took me a long time, and I still don’t know exactly. Sometimes people just can be themselves, and that’s very important to this. Also, he’s just so damn likable.
Tell us a joke about Trump and/or conservatives. Pretty please?
I’m in Vegas right now, and this joke bombed last night: The country is so divided right now. One half is like “what pronouns should we use?” and the other half is like “is rape wrong?”
And it’s like, yeah, we covered that… a while ago. Generally, Trump and conservative jokes are kind of ruined right now. Nothing is as funny as what is real, and we’re so inundated with it, it’s almost boring to bring it up. The next election will be fun, though, when we’re all fighting in the streets for water, and the culling has begun. Can’t wait for that.
What’s your take on bodily function jokes? Lowest form of humor or universal bonding agent? Both? Are there fresh angles to be explored with them or should we flush them down the toilet forever?
I sadly like a good shit your pants, cum, piss, etc. joke. They’re fun, but I wish I was better at them. I am not.
What’s your stance on puns? Highest form of humor or the wrong answer?
They can be great. A personae based on them is pretty lame, though. They’re great seasoning to a joke, though.
Who’s your favorite comedian of all time? Who’s your favorite comedian working now? I need reasons, too.
Ugh. I was really bummed when the CK stuff came out, I used to worship the guy. I never really got the Cosby thing, so I kind of feel vindicated in that. Doug Stanhope is probably one of the best of all time, as well as Chappelle, and Maria Bamford. There’s obviously a ton of comics that preceded them, but comedy doesn’t age well. Right now, I think Kurt Metzger is my favorite comic to watch. He’s so fucking wrong, but he makes you get his point of view, and that’s all you can ask for. Aparna Nancherla is an old friend of mine, and I’m just amazed at the comic she has become. She’s so singular and funny, and she does exactly what she wants, and it’s sweet, and hilarious and something I couldn’t dream of doing. Again, they’re both very much themselves.
What’s the one widespread cliché about comics that rings truest to you?
The sad-clown thing. While most of us don’t do rails of coke in the green room of the comedy store anymore, mainly ’cause of the price (just kidding, I’m sober), the whole being tormented while trying to be funny is almost ubiquitous. There’s something weird about wanting to get people to laugh at you. It almost always comes from some kind of trauma from childhood. For comics like me, I think we process it through the jokes. Others just pretend and they’re all shiny and nice, but there’s darkness underneath. Those are the ones you have to watch out for. Real serial killers, if you ask me. Wait, you did ask me.
Have you ever been “cancelled”?
No, but I’ve disappointed some people. I luckily don’t have very carnal desires, but I’ve been put in check when I crossed a line. I try to keep my horniness in the call-and-response area. Oh, you’re horny? Me, too—or I as well, is probably better.
What do you miss most about Seattle?
Madison Beach in the summer, my niece (the rest of the family I see enough), the San Juan Islands, my friends Adam and Nick, Paseo sandwiches, and my youth. I went to Garfield, and I loved it. I feel so lucky to have gone there. I am pissed that Macklemore is the famous one, though. I will eventually crush him.
What are your professional ambitions?
I would like to make great things that great people think are great. If I could create a television show that stood out among the four million existing ones, and comedy specials that also did that, that would be fantastic. If somehow I got to do more, well, I’m not opposed to that, either. I started wanting to make movies. I also think it would be cool to write a book, but Lindy West already did that, and she’d probably call me a copycat.
Is heckling a sign of mental illness?
It’s a sign of alcoholism. I stand by this.
Please hype all your current/near-future projects and gigs as humbly as possible.
I’m always on the road, so please always come to my shows. ALWAYS. Otherwise, I have a podcast I do with Seattle sweetheart Wilfred Padua, called Miss Me with That, and another coming out in the summer, which is in development, but it’s a male wellness podcast that is for guys who aren’t Joe Rogan or John Hodgman. I know that seems like a very broad area, but I don’t think there’s a lot of content for sad straight white men like myself. JK?
Follow Andy Haynes on Twitter at @imandyhaynes.
