Well, somehow here we are again, scrambling to figure out to watch CNN so we can see how the Republicans will embarrass themselves/America this time.

In just a few moments, a clown car will pull up to the stage and beep, disgorging a bunch of lunatics at the podiums. Then they'll throw cream pies at each other and spray seltzer water and make their bowties spin for two hours, and we'll roll our eyes and look up the process for emigrating to Canada.

Say hi over on Twitter if you'd like to get my attention: @mattbaume.

In the mean time, CNN is showing ads for bamboo flooring. Lumber Liquidators, which was just decimated by the revelation that their materials might've contained slightly more toxins than they were supposed to, want you to send away for a catalog called "Floor Trends."

Now an ad for "The Purge: Election Year" disguised to look like a super-sincere campaign ad. This is probably the best commercial we'll see tonight.


Now an ad for "vote 4 energy," a dirty-fuel astrotruf group. Drilling for dirty fossil fuels means lower energy costs, says a sweet old man. "Who doesn't want that?" Oh, I don't know, the millions of people who've been killed by pollution-related heart and lung disease?

5:34 - George Bush One is present in the audience for this debate featuring five people, none of whom are his son. He looks really unwell. Not sure what's up with him but he reminds me of how Reagan looked at Nixon's funeral.

5:35 - The national anthem will be performed by a country music artist. I wonder if Republicans in northern states ever get tired of having to listen to this stuff.

5:36 - All of the candidates have their hands over their hearts, but only Ted Cruz is tucking his hand under his blazer like he's a caricature of Napoleon.


5:44 - "There's a lot of young people watching tonight," says Kasich. Sure, watching Kocktails with Khloe.


5:48 - Trump says he'll deport 11 million people, and only "the best" will be allowed to come back. Makes me think about Angel Island in San Francisco, where America imprisoned Asian immigrants for years simply for the crime of wanting to come to America.


5:50 - Trump brags about an endorsement from Joe Arpaio. It's not the racist I was hoping he'd mention, but at least he mentioned a racist.

5:51 - Handy guide to tonights villains:


5:53 - Rubio posts out how Trump had to pay a fine for hiring illegal workers. Trump says that's not true. "I've hired tens of thousands of people," says Trump. "Many from other countries instead of hiring Americans," says Rubio. Trump pushes back that he's the only person on stage who has ever hired anyone. Cruz points out that Trump has given money to "open borders" candidates, and backs up Rubio on the charge that Trump hired illegal workers. "I can only say this," says Trump, waving at Cruz. "I've had an amazing relationship with politicians...world class businessman...I get along with everybody, you don't get along with everybody. You don't have one Republican backing you...you should be ashamed of yourself." What are we even talking about at this point?

5:58 - "I want to get Kasich in, he's been waiting patiently," says Wolf Blitzer. "Wha?" says Cruz, sounding legitimately surprised to hear that Kasich is there.

6:00 - "I believe in liberty and justice for all," says Ben Carson. "I believe everything we do should be fair." This is how I would answer a question if I hadn't been listening to anything for the last five minutes.

6:02 - Sometimes politics feels like nothing you do can have any impact. But if you're like an opportunity to make a difference in the world, maybe you can help Austin Wolf with this imposter problem he's having on Instagram:


6:02 - Question for Trump about how he'll make Mexico pay for the wall. "We have a trade deficit with Mexico," he says. "We're gonna make them pay." "Will you start a trade war with Mexico?" says Wolf. "I don't mind a trade war," says Trump, complaining about how Mexico is taking American jobs.

6:05 - Nice zing from Rubio: "If he builds the wall the way he built Trump tower he'll be using illegal immigration to do it."

6:06 - Oh man Rubio's really sinking his teeth into Trump tonight. Did someone put meth in his coffee? He's landing a lot of punches about Trump's merchandise being made overseas, Trump's fake university, about how he inherited $200 million. Trump has no good answer, surprisingly, just that he borrowed $1 million and turned it into $10 billion. Uh okay.

6:09 - There is one woman in the audience who screams like an air raid siren every time someone attacks Trump.


6:10 - Trump tries to defend himself on the Polish workers thing by saying that it was 38 years ago. "Okay, I guess there's a statute of limitations on lies," says Rubio. If this was a Tumblr thread, CNN would put up a JPG of Kermit sipping tea right now.

6:13 - This person is livetweeting an alternate-reality debate featuring ponies.


6:19 - "I don't believe anything Telemundo says," Trump tells the moderator from Telemundo. "I will do really well with Hispanics. I will do better than anyone on this stage." Marco Rubio is swaying back and forth with hunger to respond to this AND YET he says nothing. I guess whatever they gave him before he came out on stage wore off.


6:23 - Ted Cruz name-drops that he was at Scalia's funeral. Does not mention that everyone refused to sit next to him.

6:24 - Question about whether Trump would appoint justices who will uphold religious liberty (which is conservative code for attacking homosexuality). Trump says yes, and goes off on a tangent about how Ted Cruz pushed Justice Roberts and Roberts is to blame for Obamacare.


6:27 - Rubio says that Republicans are the party of diversity, not the Democrats.


6:29 - Question for Rubio about whether bakers should have to sell cakes to gay people. Rubio dodges and accuses Trump of having switched sides of religious liberty.


6:30 - Astoundingly, Trump concedes that Planned Parenthood saves millions of lives. But he says he would defund them because of "the abortion thing" but also "millions of women are helped by Planned Parenthood."


6:31 - Kasich has no patience for anti-gay bakers who think they've found a passage in the bible about not making cakes for queers. "If you don't agree with their lifestyle, say a prayer for them when they leave."


6:32 - Every time they cut to Ben Carson, I think for a second that I somehow just accidentally changed the channel.



6:37 - This man is tweeting pictures of hunky men so you don't have to think about the debate, and God bless him.


6:44 - "Health care is not a right," says Carson. Says that families should become their own insurance carriers, holding health savings accounts of their own that they can pass on to their heirs. That would work out so well!


6:48 - "I will not let people die on the streets if I am president," says Trump. Catchy slogan.


6:51 - Trump doesn't answer any questions about health care, which is fine, because nobody really understands this stuff anyway.



6:56 - Trump says that Romney took too long to release his tax info, and "it cost him bigly." Bigly!

6:58 - I didn't think it was possible for me to resent Republicans any more than I did before, but now they're making me miss SEA-PAH movie night at Doghouse Leathers. This means war.

7:05 - Holy geez, it's the first commercial break after an hour and a half. "I purged," says the ad, an ad for the movie "The Purge." I tried to find it on YouTube by searching for "I purged" but instead got a lot of really unhappy videos about eating disorders, so this is maybe not a great slogan for the movie.


7:10 - A foreign policy question for Donald Trump. "How do you remain neutral" on Israel? Trump says Obama's treated Israel horribly, whereas he's been the grand marshall of an Israel Day parade. Middle east crisis solved!

7:12 - Trump says Middle East peace would be "a fantastic thing" like it's a really well made sandwich.

7:15 - Rubio says Palestine is "acting in bad faith ... they teach their four year old children that killing Jews is a good thing." How does one respond to this kind of racism? There is a moral imperative to do so, right? But how to do so in a way that is productive and does not result in further entrenchment? Sorry to get so serious it's just kind of soul-sucking to listen to these guys at length.

7:16 - Rubio's going into robot mode to attack Trump on brokering Middle East peace. "This is not a real estate deal," he says over and over. A cross-section of the inside of his head would show a bunch of tiny Marco Rubio's frantically pulling levers that do nothing.


7:21 - Back to Ben Carson! His necktie looks like a giftwrapped Christmas present.

7:23 - Ben Carson just got some time to talk. Nobody responds to what he said because they just assumed it was a commercial break.

7:26 - Trump says that America has made the Middle East worse. "We would be so much better off if Gaddafi was in charge right now. ... At least they killed terrorists." Rubio points out that America didn't topple Gaddafi.

7:30 - "Nobody on this stage has done more than me for Israel," says Trump. Yeah he was in a parade you guys!

7:31 - "Can somebody attack me please?" says Carson. It's an attempt at a joke but it's his version of "please clap."

7:33 - "Donald has no fixed set of beliefs," says Cruz. Trump goes after Cruz for stealing Carson's votes in Iowa, and for the "voter violation" form.

7:34 - Cruz: "For forty years you've been funding liberal Democratic politicians." Trump:"I funded you!" Rubio: "He didn't fund me."

7:35 - Trump just called Cruz a basket case.

7:36 - Oh good we have reached the point in the evening when Twitter giggles about the use of the term "backdoor"

7:37 - Rubio is demonstrating that he does not understand the Apple encryption thing. Same for Cruz.


7:41 - Question for Trump about why we need a border for Mexico and not Canada. He answers that Canada's border is too big, and also bad things mostly come from Mexico.

7:46 - Back to commercial. On stage energy is waning. I keep hoping someone will get frustrated enough to take a swing at Trump but at this point they seem kind of exhausted. Time for closing statements.

7:49 - Carson closing statement is that his hands are miraculous, and that a movie was made about them.


7:51 - Rubio: "end the silliness." You know, for many of us, the silliness is the only thing that keeps us watching.


7:53 - Blitzer finally puts us out of our misery. Five days left until Super Tuesday, the fun interactive part of the election. See you all at the polls! (Except Washington's primaries are in late May and you definitely won't be picking the nominee at that point, so, you know.)