No Strings Attached: Refreshingly Nonsucky

Adam (Ashton Kutcher, tall and goofy) and Emma (Natalie Portman, tiny and smart) become “sex friends” (so contemporary!), because Emma hates relationships. She has an “emotional peanut allergy,” okay? Even though Adam brings her a “Congrats!” balloon for sleeping with him (“You did a good job, so I thought you deserved a balloon”), Emma refuses to date him. So they just have lots of sex and agree to some rules to keep from getting attached (no listing each other as emergency contact, no eating breakfast together). He brings her a mix CD when she’s on her period, she crushes him at mini-golf, and their friends all look on knowingly, waiting for them to realize that they’re meant to be together.

Look, if you’re wondering whether you’ll see Ashton Kutcher’s and Natalie Portman’s butts in this movie, you will. If you’re wondering what a mainstream romantic comedy would look like if it were just a little bit better—funnier script, fantastic supporting cast, someone like Portman playing the female lead—you’ll find out. But because the dialogue is refreshingly nonsucky, the supporting cast is unbelievably awesome (seriously: Greta Gerwig, Mindy Kaling, Kevin Kline, Cary Elwes), and the leads act like they’re having fun instead of just picking up a check, the story’s adherence to the slow, stupid death march of rom-com (ew) plot requirements is incredibly frustrating. They like each other, they have wacky sidekicks, now they love each other, some emotions are conveyed through staring/blinking, they have to break up three-quarters of the way through, now there’s a hospital scene, now a wedding, aaaaaand credits. Ugh. Barf.

Whatever. Compared to real movies, it’s dumb. But compared to other shitty date movies, it’s fine. It turns out that watching Portman cry-sing Leona Lewis’s “Bleeding Love” with cocaine-looking doughnut dust all over her face is remarkably enjoyable. So is hearing Kaling say, “I just pulled a penis out of a Vitamin Water yesterday.” Adam’s self-centered father bringing him a birthday cake featuring the Creation of Adam from the Sistine Chapel is a great visual joke (his name is Adam, and his dad thinks he’s God). Just don’t be surprised when they start saying stuff like “We didn’t break up. We never started.” At least you saw their butts, right?