April’s here, spring is in the air, and the Seattle Mariners are back in swing!
Everybody knows that our hometown heroes are celebrated far and wide for the
high quality of their baseball play. Fewer people know about the equally high
quality of their inspired locker-room shenanigans. Like heroic sportsmen throughout
the ages, the manly Mariners understand the morale-boosting, stress-busting,
team-building powers of penis play. In honor of the new season, The
Stranger penetrates the M’s locker room to bring readers a special report
on Seattle’s most popular ball players — and their specialty penis tricks!
PLEASE NOTE:
Tricks are arranged by degree of difficulty. Should you wish
to duplicate any of the Mariners’ penile feats, M’s spokesman Richard Hertz
suggests practicing in warm water — a bath, your gym’s showers — to promote
flexibility and decrease the chance of painful injury. Stretch out, eat your
Wheaties, and give 110 percent at all times, and you’ll find these tricks just
get easier and easier, while you get more and more popular. Play hard, or play
soft, but play to win!
BEGINNER LEVEL
Gil Meche (Starting Pitcher)
The Sex Change
Meche’s boyish good looks are quickly transformed to girlish prettiness when
he breaks this one out in the showers. Meche simply tucks his penis between
his legs, concealing it to the viewers in front of him. Thanks to his triangular
thatch of pubic hair, he now looks exactly like a girl! The effect is maximized
when he minces about, discussing upcoming Nordstrom sales in a high, girly voice,
and asks rookies to buy him drinks. Meche originally developed the trick to
avoid painful towel-snaps as a frail junior-high-schooler, but it’s served him
well during his speedy ascent to the major leagues.
John Olerud (First Base)
The Brain
Hometown hero John Olerud knows all about the brain’s importance — he’s the
only guy in baseball who wears a batting helmet in the field to protect his
noggin from ferocious line drives. To create “the brain,” Olerud simply pulls
his scrotum up over his penis, then pins the sac against his legs with his spread
fingers to form an oval shape. The wrinkled surface of his scrotum, divided
into two hemispheres by the underlying testes, is remarkably similar to a top
view of the human brain! Olerud’s spicy “brain” displays are his little way
of explaining his idiosyncratic helmet practices to his dumbfounded teammates,
and illustrating the frailty of human knowledge.
Jay Buhner (Right Field)
The Turtle
This trick is exactly like the brain, except Buhner leaves the tip of
his penis sticking out of the top of his stretched scrotum, like the head of
a turtle. In addition to crowd-pleasing locker room displays, this number’s
a big hit at Make-a-Wish Foundation events. (Kids love turtles.)
INTERMEDIATE LEVEL
Edgar Martinez (Designated Hitter)
The Monk
Soft-spoken designated hitter Martinez has just made his 11th opening day appearance
with the Mariners for two reasons: He talks softly, and he carries a big stick
— in more ways than one. His mood-easing mellowness, his work ethic, his patience
at the plate, and his intelligence make his favorite penis trick a perfect fit.
To perform the monk, Martinez pulls the head of his penis as far up as he
can, while using his other hand to pull his testes down as far as they’ll comfortably
go. His penis begins to resemble a praying monk in his robes — an effect he
assists by chanting fake Latin in a low monotone.
David Bell (Second Base)
The Sailboat
Bell likes to pull his penis straight out with one hand, while lifting a flap
of his scrotum up on one side of the shaft to serve as the sail. Hell-oooo,
sailor! The fun-loving Bell likes to annoy his rap- and rock-loving teammates
by accompanying this trick with an a cappella rendition of his favorite Christopher
Cross hit — “Saaay-ling/Takes me awaaaaayyy….”
Freddy Garcia (Starting Pitcher)
The Flying Saucer
His impressive on-field composure may have earned him the nickname “The Chief,”
but Freddy Garcia’s green age of 24 shows through as he delights in “zapping”
his locker-room buddies while performing the saucer. For this trick, hard-throwing
righty Garcia pulls the skin of his scrotum straight out in front of him. This
represents the flying saucer. Then he walks around pretending to shoot “laser
beams” out of his protruding “laser cannon.” After a messy incident in Double-A
ball, Garcia has stopped trying to urinate while performing the saucer — it
lent little verisimilitude, and resulted in him peeing all over himself.
ADVANCED LEVEL
Mark McLemore (Left Field)
Space Station Mir: Docking Sequence
To perform this impressive number, McLemore needs a buddy, and not just any
buddy! Space Station Mir requires two participants — including one in possession
of a real, working foreskin. Once McClemore’s found his foreskinned fella (usually
a Polish waterboy), he faces his hooded buddy. The pair hold their penises out
at 90-degree angles from their bodies, then pull the foreskin of one penis over
the head of the other, mimicking the famous USSR/USA joint space mission. Homosexual
panic usually prevents most ballplayers from performing this trick — but not
“switch-hitting” McLemore!
Alex Rodriguez (Shortstop)
The Helicopter
He’s handsome. He hits for power. He steals bases. He turns double plays. Is
there any surprise that team leader and starting shortstop Alex (A-Rod) Rodriguez
specializes in the most difficult and dangerous of penis tricks?
The helicopter is an “action” trick (as opposed to an “image” trick), and
as such, it should only be attempted by those who have mastered the basic penis
tricks. To perform the helicopter, Rodriguez carefully winds his penis around
his scrotum, while simultaneously winding his scrotum in the same direction.
Once the edge of his comfort zone is almost breached, he lets go. If done properly,
his penis will spin itself out to produce a preternaturally helicopter-like
action. (Watch out, Vic Morrow!)
To request a free, full-color pamphlet of the complete Mariners penis tricks,
please phone 623-0500.
Illustrations by Ray Bosworth