Is it in my head or is it really out there in the world: I have noticed that many white children have the amazing honor of calling their parent by his/her first name. I’ve certainly never seen this sort of thing in black African homes and can’t recall it happening in black American ones. I bring this up because I have a white American niece who is in the habit of calling me by my first name. But I’m not her friend or anywhere near her age. I’m something distant and ineffable, something her mind cannot grasp and handle: I’m her uncle. And she should call me that because I’m this distant and cloudy thing. Her mind is too fuzzy, thoughts too fluid to appreciate the substance of my actual name. Children must not say my first name. It’s rude and spooky.
Charles Mudede—who writes about film, books, music, and his life in Rhodesia, Zimbabwe, the USA, and the UK for The Stranger—was born near a steel plant in Kwe Kwe, Zimbabwe. He has no memory... More by Charles Mudede
@ 43 You are right. This is regional. I’m also from the Northeast (and my ancestors were all from Europe).
Guys, I think we need to make a distinction here. Calling/not calling someone by the first name isn’t respectful or disrespectful. It’s FAMILIAR. It’s like standing too close to someone or talking about personal matters. It is something that friends are permitted to do after a reasonable time of acquaintance (numbers will vary by specific people involved).
Nice way to embrace patriarchalism, Charles. But, yeah, who cares except you and a bunch of people reinforcing some cultural notation of titles and stature? Advice: you could just be direct with either your niece or her parents and tell them how you’d like to be addressed.
Omg, get over yourself. Are you really that insecure that you need to be addressed by a title at all times?
I get this, Charles. I feel weird about kids calling me by my first name, however, I accept it as common social practice. My teenage kids call me by my first name occassionally, but more to get my attention in a room full of “moms”. Their friends call me by my first name if they know me well. But when a strange kid calls me by my firsty, no, I don’t like that. Miss P is my nickname of choice for the young ones.
I was always taught to refer to people in the way they introduced themselves, and when that might be debatable, to lean toward formality. So, if someone says, “I’m Karen,” I’ll refer to her as Karen, regardless of how well I know her or whether or not I know her last name. However, if she says, “I’m Karen Smith,” I would refer to her as Ms. Smith (or Mrs. if I know she’s married) until either she indicates otherwise or we become close enough that I can assume that we’re on a first name basis.
As for my relatives, I’ve always called my parents Mom and Dad, and my aunts and uncles Uncle John, Aunt Mary, etc. However, I never thought of those as formal titles, but rather as terms of affection; I refer to Aunt Colleen that way because she’s not just any Colleen, she’s a Colleen with whom I share a special bond. Same with my parents; they are Mom and Dad because there’s something nice about referring to only one person in the entire world that way.
Hey Charles, if you continue to be quite so confused and disturbed by the oddities of American life, why not spend some time back in the land of your upbringing, with a white wife and biracial child and see how well you cope?
Also, your comments about kids and their minds makes me wonder if you’ve actually paid attention to the one you’re raising, or any others at all.
Charles, you don’t specify whether she is calling you “Charles” or “Uncle Charles.” The latter is considered formal and acceptable in all situations.
If she is a little kid, then the former means you are not considered a full member of the girl’s family because you are different (to the girl’s mind). If she is older, then she probably considers you an outsider and therefore at a lower social level than her other aunts and uncles.
Rude and spooky? But you just said it wasn’t spooky.
My sister and I learned early that if we wanted our mother’s attention in a crowded place, we needed to call her by name. Perhaps because she is partially deaf to begin with, or perhaps because “mom” is a short, round word and hard to distinguish among other noises.
Then, at a certain age, my mother told us to call her by name when we were in public anyway; she was too young to have grown children.
But really, Charles? Get over yourself. Also, chidlren will call you by the identifier their parents use. So if you want your niece to call you “uncle chuck”, mention it to their parents. Then, when they talk to their kids, they’ll have the chance to say, “we’re going over to pompous uncle Charles’ house today. Be sure to grovel at uncle Chuck’s feet before entering his abode, you fuzzy-brained morons.”
@39, my eldest daughter did that, too. I told her I worked hard for the title of ‘mommy’, and I intend to keep it.
The best way to convince a person to do something is to ask them nicely. You could tell your niece that you know you are weird, but would she please call you ‘Uncle Charles’ or something that you feel suits you better. Look at the bigger picture; she is a kid- if you begin taking offense now to things like this, by the time she is a teenager, you will have lit yourself on fire.
The best way to convince a person to do something is to ask them nicely. You could tell your niece that you know you are weird, but would she please call you ‘Uncle Charles’ or something that you feel suits you better. Look at the bigger picture; she is a kid- if you begin taking offense now to things like this, by the time she is a teenager, you will have lit yourself on fire.
I feel sorry for your niece. She probably thinks you guys are closer than you actually are. And this reinforces my feeling of never wanting to talk to you–too scary, because who knows what you would find to pick apart or take offense at.
I call all my aunts and uncles by their title (Aunt/Uncle) followed by their first name, as in Uncle Mike. That’s what my parents always called them when I was growing up, so it seems totally normal to me.
Now my parents I call mom & dad, or some variation thereof. The only time I call them by their given names is if we’re somewhere public and they can’t really hear me, calling “Steven” or “Cherilyn” gets their attention easier than “mom” or “dad”. I also called my dad “Steven” when I was really, really, REALLY mad at him; it would just piss him off further(which was the point…).
I do know one friend who calls her parents by their first names, but I think they encouraged it or something like that.
Can’t generalize about white folks any more than you can about any other folks. Just because you heard a few white people do it doesn’t make it a “white thing.”
That said- I call my parents by their first names. When I was growing up, we were a foster family, and so there were always a LOT of kids around. Many of them had ongoing (and court ordered) relationships with their biological parents as well, so they were encouraged to call my parents (their foster parents) by their first names. Why not? But then, with everyone else doing it, the “bio-syblings” and I did it too. And so what. Sometimes there are reasons.
And, um, a lot of families have never had titles for aunts and uncles. If you “join” a new family (through marriage, adoption, other means) you really can’t come in with a title. You want to fit in, you let them call you the same way they call their other uncles…
My white son addresses his father by his first name, yet addresses me as “Mom.” My black niece and nephew address me as “Auntie ________” and my Japanese sister addresses me as “Onee-san.” My Japanese nephew is too young to address me yet, but I’m guessing I’ll be “Obasan.”
Just call me Carol of the Benetton Bunch.
I should add that my son is American, but I am not, which might be why he does not address me by my first name.
You know what’s funny, and possibly rather telling about this choice in how to ones elders?
My thirteen year old daughter *only* calls me by my first name when she’s very upset or angry at me. It’s a way to bring me down to her power level, and emphasize her own status when she needs to.
The other 90% of the time I’m just “Mom”.
I am 32, white, grew up in a rural area south of DC. My parents were middle-class white liberals, and my godmother/surrogate grandmother/manners enforcer was upper class black.
I’m always startled when I hear kids call any adult by their first name. I dislike it in the same way that I dislike the fact that all TV shows are judged by their popularity among 18-32 year olds. It feels like it’s evidence that our culture is dismissive of the elderly.
Growing up, adults were always Mister and Miz Last Name. If I had a very close relationship with them, then they would be honored with the title of Mister or Miz First Name (Now, my friends are all having children. When those little ones start to talk and they call me Miz First Name, it makes me feel all warm and special, because it means they see me as an honorary aunt).
As an adult, of course I call coworkers by their first names. But in social situations, I am uncomfortable using first-names-only with people who are two generations older than me. For example, I volunteer with an organization that serves seniors, and they always get a Mr. or Miz unless they tell me otherwise.
My parents & godmother hammered this home to me because of the historic power dynamic in the South. Regardless of relative age, white women would call their black maids First Name Only, while the maids had to call their employers Mrs. Last Name. It was verbal proof that they weren’t equal. So, to show that you are not one of THOSE white people, you use a prefix when addressing your elders.
I’m Chinese and we have a title for every person in the family tree – Mom’s mom, Dad’s mom, Dad’s younger brother, Mom’s oldest sister, Mom’s third youngest sister, Dad’s younger brother’s wife… all covered! Come to think of it, I don’t think I have ever said my relatives’ given names in front of them.
Diary of an unborn child
September 19:
Today my life began. My parents do not know it yet, but it is I already. And I am to be a girl. I shall have blond hair and blue eyes. Just about everything is settled though, even the fact that I shall love flowers.
October 3:
Some say that I am not a real person yet, that only my mother exists. But I am a real person, just as a small crumb of bread is yet truly bread. My mother is. And I am.
October 7:
My mouth is just beginning to open now. Just think, in a year or so I shall be laughing and later talking. I know what my first word will be: MAMA.
October 9:
My heart began to beat today all by itself. From now on it shall gently beat for the rest of my life without ever stopping to rest! And after many years it will tire. It will stop, and then I shall die.
October 17:
I am growing a bit every day. My arms and legs are beginning to take shape. But I have to wait a long time yet before those little legs will raise me to my mother’s arms, before those little arms will be able to gather flowers and embrace my father.
October 27:
Tiny fingers are beginning to form on my hands. Funny how small they are! I’ll be able to stroke my mother’s hair with them.
November 4:
It wasn’t until today that the doctor told mom that I am living here under her heart. Oh, how happy she must be! Are you happy, mom?
November 9:
My mom and dad are probably thinking about a name for me. But they don’t even know that I am a little girl. I want to be called Kathy. I am getting so big already.
November 24:
My hair is growing. It is smooth and bright and shiny. I wonder what kind of hair mom has?
November 27:
I am just about able to see. It is dark around me. When mom brings me into the World it will be full of sunshine and flowers. But what I want more than anything is to see my mom. How do you look, mom!
December 8:
I wonder if mom hears the whispering of my heart? Some children come into the World a little sick. But my heart is strong and healthy. It beats so evenly: tup-tup, tup-tup. You’ll have a healthy little daughter, mom!
December 12:
Today my mother killed me.
It’s a regional thing, I think. Everyone here tells me to call their parents by their first name and tease me when I resist.
@37 When was the last time you were in Japan? My homestay sisters only spoke in keigo to their relatives when they were in trouble.
@73 – i’m impressed that your homestay sisters spoke keigo to their relatives.
@74, I’m just talking like desu/masu keigo not murder your brain keigo.
@73
what disrespectful cunts!
I guess what i was trying to say was that the basis for formalities towards elders is there in the culture. May not be practiced as strictly now, but there is a basis for it.