I am one of those women who does not exist. I want sex just as much as my boyfriend does. I want it every day, hard and rough. And if he doesnât want it? Well, thatâs what dildos and vibrators were invented for! Iâm pretty sure that I jerk off daily more than most men do in a week. Oh, and Iâm not the only one of these women that I know. My boyfriendâs wife is the same way (weâre poly). Thereâs a reason heâs called the Luckiest Boy In The World!
Kat
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Iâll be just one of many, and donât think I didnât miss your sarcasm, but I wanted to pipe up as one woman who has neverâI mean neverâmet a man whose libido could match mine. If it were up to me, Iâd be having sex twice a day. Iâve never met a man who...
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I am one of those women who does not exist. I want sex just as much as my boyfriend does. I want it every day, hard and rough. And if he doesnât want it? Well, thatâs what dildos and vibrators were invented for! Iâm pretty sure that I jerk off daily more than most men do in a week. Oh, and Iâm not the only one of these women that I know. My boyfriendâs wife is the same way (weâre poly). Thereâs a reason heâs called the Luckiest Boy In The World!
Kat
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Iâll be just one of many, and donât think I didnât miss your sarcasm, but I wanted to pipe up as one woman who has neverâI mean neverâmet a man whose libido could match mine. If it were up to me, Iâd be having sex twice a day. Iâve never met a man who could handle sex once a day (every day) after the first flush of lust. Several months in, everyoneâs slowing down. I spent a long time wondering what was wrong with me (or wrong with our relationships) before I accepted that I just have a very high libido.
Luckily, I know how to masturbate. And thereâs a certain freedom in knowing that no matter what, I wonât be having as much sex as Iâd like. It means I donât have to pick my partners based on their libidos.
Sex and relative libidos, like everything else in a relationship, end up in compromise. I pity the womenâorâthe men who donât get that.
Elizabeth
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Iâm sure (or at least I hope) youâre getting a flood of responses from women who want sex constantlyâyou do play to a particular crowd, after all. But Iâm surprised you didnât make one particular pointâespecially since you alluded to it on the podcast just a few weeks ago!
Sewellâs argument assumes that we women have lower sex drives because we have less testosterone than menâitâs natural, game over, letâs go eat chocolate. But she ignores the fact that testosterone levels are not static. Women can increase our testosterone production⌠and we should. Aside from the benefits of a higher sex drive (orgasms, intimacy, a happy partner, orgasms), testosterone increases energy, enhances immune function, and prevents osteoporosis. All that, and all we have to do is exercise, lift weights, and eat more protein and veggies. Even things like action movies and booze cause womenâs testosterone levels to spike, so maybe we should try Batman Begins and a vodka martini before giving up and reaching for the Hersheyâs.
Post-Gym Sex Beats Chocolate
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Damn, your last column was depressing. The fat lesbians eating Doritos in lieu of sex is an image I could live without. Not that I have anything against happy fat lesbians, or Doritos, but because as a straight married woman whose husband is also unhappy about the frequency of our fucking, thatâs just not a category I want to put myself in.
I confess to using some of the âif onlyâ excuses myself. Iâm too tired, Iâm too stressed, that kind of thing. Itâs true, to a point. You were right on about not wanting straight-up vaginal intercourse (no pun intended). Sometimes I really want a hard fucking, sometimes, you know, all that pounding is too much. Iâd much rather give and receive oral. With no goddamn chocolate sprinkles, thank you very much. The sulking that ensues doesnât put me in a good frame of mind for a hot blowjob, however. How I would love to hear, âHey honey, I hear that youâre not up for some marathon fucking tonight. How about we just both masturbate together? Or go down on each other?â Youâre right: Men have to learn that this isnât a consolation prize. And I promise to do it cheerfully.
I love my husband. I love fucking him. I also know that I do say no more often than yes. Iâm working on this. I wish he would cut down on the sulking. Heâd get fucked a lot more âif onlyâ he would.
Wants More Give And Take
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I am writing in response to your advice to Not Giving Up in which you break it to him that women with insatiable libidos donât exist. While I agree that most women donât have as high a sex drive as men do, I vehemently counter your claim that women who want sex constantly donât exist at all. I am lucky enough to have one such woman. Her desire truly is constant. There has never been a moment when she has turned me down for sexual anything. Back when we didnât have any roommates, Sunday was sex day. We had sex every other day of the week, but on Sunday we woke up, fucked, got some lunch, fucked, got some dinner, fucked, and fucked some more until we passed out. This went on for almost a year. I myself sport a healthy libido (too much for my ex), but even I have trouble keeping up with her. Before I met her, she was burning through the one-night stands (and now threesomes) and estimates sheâs had about 60-plus women by now. Yes, we are lesbians, so maybe your assertion that straight couples will never have perfect libido harmony is correct, but donât go telling people that we donât exist at all.
Loving Lesbian Libido
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My boyfriend tells me that I am a rare desert flower. I am ready, willing, and able to get it on nearly 24/7. My boyfriend occasionally has to spend a night alone at his place to give his body a chance to recover, because when weâre together we have sex an average of two to three times a day. We are both total freaks and enjoy a variety of kinks, so itâs constantly different and exciting.
To me, the real evil is the over-romanticized idea of relationships that movies and books often portray. Women view sex as an extension of love and romance, and I believe this gives them a warped view of sexuality from the beginning. The idea that we each have only one true soul mate with whom we will live in harmonious and uncomplicated bliss for all eternity is a crock of shit. If people would focus their attention on finding a partner who, while not perfect, shares most of their core values and at least a few of their personal interests, and then treat their partnerâs sexual desires with respect and an eagerness to ensure their fulfillment in whatever way that works for that individual, weâd have many more happily coupled people in this world. We have to not only destroy the idea that good sex is some kind of automatic bonus dropped in your lap when you meet Mr. or Ms. Right, we also have to destroy the idea that there is only one particular Mr. or Ms. Right for each person in whom all relationship problems will magically vanish.
Plays Well With Others
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Thanks for your response to NGU about the differences between sex drives as men and women age. What is particularly frustrating to me as a straight guy is when women whose libidos have subsided suggest that a lower sex drive somehow implies a more evolved state, that they are now focused on more important issues: social justice, discrimination, pedicures for their cats. To them, middle-aged men who are still horny are simply hedonistic and immature.
Just My Opinion
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Right on, Mr. Savage! I am a fully recovered former âsensitive manâ who tried to empathize with women and their inane complaints about male sex drives, how we are such animals who think of nothing else and how we need to change. Got me nowhere. Ironically it only made things worseâthey then saw me as less of a man. I have since learned to be a Man, respect myself, take charge, and not take this kind of crap from women.
And you know what? Women lap it up.
Guys, stop being her girlfriend and lay down the law. You are the Man and make no apologies for it. You have testosterone, and biologically you are wired to be continuously horny and banging away at as many women as possible as often as possible to spread your genes. With societal strictures, you are expected to contain this within a relationship. That in itself is a huge sacrifice women should be grateful you have made. If her idea of showing gratitude is laughing at your libido, show her ass the door.
Male And Normal
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Why didnât you just tell NGU the truth? If he wants more sex, he needs to get a divorce. I am straight, married, a woman, a mother, and my husband has the libido of a gnat. We have sex about 12 times per year. I am 30, he is 42. Our sex is good when we have it, good enough that I havenât left yetâbut I know in time I will. It is the only way out of this. I have spoken with him numerous times about how unsatisfied I am and how ridiculous this all is. Itâs not his fault, itâs mine. After 10 years in this relationship (four of them married) I get it. It is never going to change, he is never going to change, we are never going to change. If I want more sex, I need to divorce him and move on. He is a good man, a great husband, and an excellent father. This is all so sad, but you know, life is shitty sometimes. I just keep working out, I am looking better every day, and as soon as I feel ready I will jet.
Divorcing Soon
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I fuck my boyfriend about once a day on average (sometimes more). Iâm addicted to it, mostly because of the emotions that come with it. True, I do have some of the reluctance you mentioned about having my holes pounded so often it becomes uncomfortable, but Iâve never heard my boyfriend complain about the blowjobs because he knows how much I love giving them. And watching him jerk off is one of my favorite things in the world! And I get so fucking sick of the âwomen would rather have chocolate/shoes/purses/etc. than sex,â stereotype that I want to vomit. Chocolateâs nice, but it doesnât hold a candle to what it feels like to suck my boyfriend off, then have him cuddle up with me and fall into a post-orgasm nap knowing that Iâve reduced him to a blissful puddle of goo.
Yes, biology gives us lower libidos, but thatâs not the real issue here. The real issue is that we live in a culture that punishes women for being sexual and has been doing so for centuries. We have to deal with a world where a third of us get raped (then blamed for it); where politicians are trying to take away our reproductive freedom, our right to life-saving sexual health measures, our right to buy sex toys (for heavenâs sake!); and where above all weâre taught that what is normal is for sex to be enjoyed by men and tolerated by women. But whereas in the â50s, women were taught to tolerate as a matter of duty, we now have women who have stupidly taken feminism to mean that the more a man wants to have sex with you, the more he sees you as an object. With all of that working against us, there arenât many of us who are capable of seeing sex as something thatâs going to bring enjoyment to our lives.
But there are certainly some.
Raging Feminist Slut
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Ewww. Doritos, cheese, and salsa are fine for a stoner snack, but as a ritual? My partner and I have been together six years and donât always have as much sex as we should. Unlike lazy straight women, however, we canât blame men; itâs clear that our occasionally lousy sex life is our own fault. We fall into ruts that are hard to break out of, but we do it. And surprise, when we start to have sex on a regular basis again we realize how unhappy we were without it. Maybe youâre right; maybe author Joan Sewell isnât blaming men. At the end of the day, though, she still suggests that straight women take no responsibility over their own sexuality, and it is just sad that reviewer Loh âcreditsâ lesbians with such a defeating proposal.
JB
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I am a straight vanilla woman who wants to have sex all the time. If women got boners, I would be embarrassed constantly. But I have a problem: I want more sex than the man I am marrying. We have great sex on the weekends: intimate, sweet, slightly dirty vanilla sex. But during the week, he would much rather curl up with a terrible reality TV show than have sex with me.
Needs More Lovinâ
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I used to feel the same wayâthat women have naturally low libidos and men just have to be creative with their wives. But after my wife had several affairs last year (she says there were only two men she was physical with, but I believe there were more), I donât believe it anymore (I still feel humiliated and angry). Women really only have low libidos for their husbandsâbut they are insatiable and uninhibited with lovers on the side. Iâm a helpful husband, affectionate, GGG, and intercourse is not my main goal every time we get intimateâand I was like this before she messed around. You should read Women's Infidelity: Living in LimboâWhat Women Really Mean When They Say âI'm Not Happyâ by Michelle Langleyâthat book will give you the real reasons why women donât like marital intimacy.
Living In Marital Hell
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I was in a four-year relationship with a low-libido woman; I am a high-libido (i.e., Italian-American) man. While she tried to be accommodating, and I tried to be monogamous, we both eventually failed. Now I am with a high-libido woman. She wants it least twice a day, multiple orgasms for her every time. Hungarian ancestryâdo you think that has anything to do with it? Or am I a sex racist? Either way, after reading your column today, I am feeling like the luckiest man on earth
âNads On The Warpath
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DAN HERE: In my column about Joan Sewellâs book, I addressed a retort I always get when I run a letter from a guy complaining about his female partnerâs low libido: The guy must be doing something wrong. The assumption, it seems, is that all women have naturally high libidos and all women want sex constantly, daily even, so if a woman doesnât want sex, well, thatâs proof that the man is guilty of some libido-killing infraction. In my response to Not Giving Up, I called these âif only,â letters:
For years, whenever I printed a letter from a guy who wasnât getting any, or wasnât getting much, mail would pour in from women insisting that he had to be doing something wrong.
I called them âif onlyâ letters: If only she didnât have to do all the housework, she would want to have sex. If only he would talk with her about her day, she would want to have sex. If only she werenât so exhausted from taking care of the kids, she would want to have sex. If only he didnât ask for sex, she would want to have sex. Now, thanks to Sewell, straight guys everywhere know that it doesnât matter how much housework you do, or how sincerely interested you are in her day, or how much of the childcare you take on. She still wonât want to fuck you.
You might think that, having read that, no one would have the nerve to send in âif onlyâ letters addressed to NGU. Some women, like Sewell, have low libidos. Some, like the women weâve heard from this week, have high libidos. NGUâs wife has a low libido, and that sucks for him. But is it his fault? Some women think soâsome women think it must be. Here are a few of their letters, with my translation in italics:
As a lesbian, of course Iâve heard of lesbian bed death. However, Iâve never participated. Unlike Lohâs friends, Iâm in a long-term relationship with another woman in which we have sex ALL THE TIME, nearly every day, sometimes multiple times a day, NEVER more than three or four days without. In which case, weâre most definitely both masturbating.
That said, I can recall a time in my life when I was not so constantly eager for sex: when I was with a guy. NGU? Maybe your wife doesnât just have an incredibly low libido. Maybe she just doesnât know how to explore what actually DOES turn her on (AKA not you). Maybe sheâs a dyke.
Happily Horny Homo
If only NGU had a pussy, she would want to have sex.
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If straight men want sex so much more than straight women do, why are women the ones devoting all of our time, money, and effort to being sexually desirable? We wear makeup, color our hair, wax in places too sensitive to mention, spend 10 times what (straight) men do on our wardrobes, wear ridiculous lingerie, ride the elliptical machines, get the fat sucked out, and the Botox and silicone pumped in. Shouldnât we be able to just sit back, get chubby, and wait for the men to come crawling? Maybe, just maybe, if men put half the effort into attracting and pleasing women that women put into attracting and pleasing men, men like NGU would have less to whine about (and less time to spend whining: after shopping, the gym, and the salon, who has the energy?).
Of course biology makes a difference, but at the end of the day weâre socially constructed beings: A few givens like testosterone are easily outweighed by a million other factors that you CAN control. NGU, ever notice that âmutually insatiableâ gay men are a hell of a lot better dressed and better groomed than you? Coincidence?
Getting It Requires Labor
If only NGU took better care of himself, she would want to have sex.
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I read your letter to Not Giving Up about his wife and her low libido and was shocked and annoyed by your response, and that of the author discussed (Sewell). I call bullshit! I hate this entire division of the sexes thing (boys are like THIS, and girls are like THIS). I, for one, have never had a partner who could quite keep up with me. And Iâm (gasp!) a woman.
In my experience, what has happened to cause me to lose interest is pure and utter boredom. A lot of men seem to have a certain arsenal of tricks. After a certain period of time, they just want to get in, get off, and get out. The joy goes out of getting their partner off and itâs all about them.
I canât imagine Iâll be the only one writing in about this. I sure hope not, anyway.
Woman With Libido In Spades
If only men had more tricks up their sleeves, she would want to have sex.