After having two kids, being a full-time mom
and a wife to a man who worked insane hours, I gained about 40 pounds.
They crept on; I didn’t hog out on anything, but there you go. I knew I
should do something about it, but I just had other shit to do, you
know? Then one day I was getting out of the shower and I saw my husband
look at me when he didn’t know I could see him. The look in his eye I
will never, EVER forget. It was sad, regretful, unhappy, with a tinge
of disgust. I hate to write that, because it makes him sound bad, but
he isn’t. He’s a man who married a 22-year-old hottie only to wind up
with a 35-year-old fattie.
I got my ass to Weight Watchers that
afternoon.
I struck a deal with him: I found the
babysitter; he paid. I went to water aerobics twice, sometimes three
times a week; he paid the gas and class bills and cheered me on.
Within one year I lost 35 pounds.
It’s been 10 years and I have lost a few
more pounds, learned to belly dance, and we’re celebrating our 25th
anniversary on New Year’s Eve.
Here’s how I see it. If you marry someone
and ask that person to refrain from ever fucking anyone else ever
again, you’d better be the best possible fuck you can be. And that
includes staying fit. It’s a matter of respect. Respect for your
partner. A partner who gets fat is saying, “I want to overeat more than
I want to please you.” That’s the fact, jack. You can spin it any way
you want, but an overweight person is indulging themselves rather than
their partner. Fact. Also a fact is that dieting is even harder than
not cheating on your spouse, and I mean that. But it can be done and if
you wholeheartedly want to please your spouse, you value him more than
Doritos with sour cream and Baskin Robbins Nutty Coconut ice cream and
pizza with extra cheese. At least most of the time.
Mary
•••
HARD’s e-mail reminded me of my very first
relationship, in which my skinny vegan boyfriend of roughly three
months wrote me a four-page, nonspellchecked, typewritten manifesto
attempting to be “honest” about our relationship. He was “not as
attracted to me” as he “felt a boyfriend should be.” Hurt and confused
I asked if he thought I had a weight problem. He said, and I quote,
“Well, kind of.” So I dumped him. I am 5-foot-6 and I always put on
weight over the winter, when my grandma sends cookies and I can’t be
active outdoors. At the time he wrote the letter I was somewhere
between 150 and 155 pounds, 10 pounds heavier than when we met. The
only weight problem I had was the asshole vegan hanging on my back.
The difference is that HARD is married to
his wife. In a marriage people should be able to be honest with each
other and work through problems. I assume that HARD’s wife knows her
husband at least a little bit and knows that he is not a total
motherfucking asshole. I also assume that she would prefer having her
feelings hurt verbally and perhaps emotionally by a loving,
still-faithful husband than having her feelings hurt and trust betrayed
by a husband who has cheated on her, or worse, left her.
Keep the columns coming!
My New Boyfriend Thinks I’m Hot
•••
I was in a situation similar to HARD’s. When
I met my wife, she was a bit chubby, but still really hot. Years went
by, and she gained a lot of weight, becoming less hot. And our sex life
suffered, dwindling down to (at most) once a month of sometimes
not-so-good sex. Anyway, I felt like a shallow asshole for being less
attracted to her, but that’s what was happening. Eventually I was
completely honest with her. I told her I was less attracted to her than
I used to be because of the weight gain. She was (understandably)
upset, and I felt really bad for hurting her feelings, but at least I
was honest with her.
Since then she’s lost nearly 100 pounds,
she’s smoking hot again, we fuck like rabbits, our relationship has
improved, and now we’re married. There’s a happy ending for you.
Her Honest Husband
•••
Re: HARD: I’m not really sure what the point
of your recent exercise in audience manipulation was, Dan, except to
point out how crazy we bitches are. OMG, different women have different
ideas about how to talk to a woman?! What a fucking revelation!
We’re not a single, irrational monster made
out of pussies, Dan, although I’m sure you’ve had nightmares to that
effect.
People have different perceptions about how
to talk to a woman versus how to talk to a man about the same subject.
Does that make them guilty of thought crime? Oh, yeah, I forgot. We’re
just irrational, insane pussy monsters. We have to have inconsistencies
between us pointed out by a sane, rational man. Thank you, Dan. Thank
you for setting us… straight. It’s just like I’ve always
said. Gay men are no less misogynistic than straight men. They just
have no reason to pretend to be nice to us.
Fat Happy Bitch
•••
Yes, a fat person doesn’t need to be told
they’re fat—they know. But they may not know the effect it has on
their partner. And frankly, when you’re married, sometimes you do
things for yourself, and sometimes you do things for your partner. If
HARD’s wife has shown she doesn’t want to do it for herself, then he
has no choice but to lay it on the line. And the truth is going to hurt
no matter how much whipped cream you put on it.
My new wife and I have a series of
premarital agreements: one of them is the “no schlubs” rule. We’re both
fit and attractive, but if one of us gets fat or out of shape, the
other has the right to demand immediate corrective action. No
arguments, no whining.
Matthew in Los Angeles
•••
I’m a 24-year-old woman, and about a year
and a half into my relationship with my wonderful boyfriend, I got a
desk job that is stressful and keeps me sedentary for 45–50 hours
a week. I started gaining weight, and couldn’t get it together enough
to take control of the situation and start eating better and
exercising. After I had gained almost 20 pounds, my boyfriend (who has
the metabolism of, I don’t know, a Brazilian supermodel) had a sweet
yet frank talk with me, and offered to help me get back my previous
hotness, because while he loves me for who I am, he didn’t want to lose
the additional perk of having a girlfriend who is not only cool and
funny, but also hot.
It was hard to hear, but it actually felt
good to talk and be open—it sure beat my inner monologue, in
which I told myself that I was completely undesirable and probably
going to get dumped any day. It of course felt great to know that he
loved me enough to talk to me about it and help me do something about
it, and every time I felt like skipping a workout or going to Dairy
Queen, I just thought of how difficult it must have been for him to
have that conversation with me, and how I couldn’t let him down.
He helped me by also starting to eat
healthier food and bringing me a healthy lunch when I didn’t have time
to take a real lunch break, and doing household stuff that I usually
do, like laundry and vacuuming, so I could take the time to go for a
long walk or run after work (he is pretty much perfect, seriously).
I’ve lost almost all the weight I gained, and I’m actually in better
shape than I was before. Sex is great again, we eat better, and I feel
WAY better about myself. My boyfriend is certainly not an asshole for
telling me that my weight gain was a problem, and neither is HARD.
HARD’s wife is probably feeling as bad about
herself as I was, and just needs a nudge to get herself on the right
track. I think it would really help her out if HARD also committed to
make the same changes that she makes, like eating better, so she
doesn’t feel like she is the fat one who has to eat lettuce while he
gets to eat pizza with ice cream sundaes for dessert. He also needs to
support her in terms of helping with things like housecleaning, bill
paying, poop scooping, making dinner, etc. Part of the problem could be
that she feels like she has to deal with all of the day-to-day stuff
and therefore doesn’t have time to take good care of herself.
Hotter and Happier
•••
My husband of 30 years stopped initiating
sexual contact with me and virtually all physical contact. After a year
or so of celibacy I asked why. He told me that I’m too fat. The fact
that he is well past his prime wasn’t part of the conversation. Now
I’ve found a lover who thinks I’m beautiful, exciting, fascinating, and
the sexiest damn woman who has ever walked god’s green earth. We have
spectacular, cosmic, mind-blowing sex as well as an enormous amount of
fun. If my husband ever finds out and disapproves he can move his
skinny white ass out of the house or take a thin lover himself. At 55,
I’m not spending the next 30 years of my life without sex and
intimacy.
My Husband Is A Skinny Jerk
•••
This might not work in HARD’s case, but it’s
always worth a shot.
I used to be fairly fat and I was fat
because I was depressed. My husband sat me down and said, “Sweetie, you
aren’t happy. I’m worried about you. When a beautiful person like you
stops taking care of herself, it means that there is something
wrong.”
And I started crying, and said that I was
trying but I just couldn’t seem to make myself do anything. He said
that it was okay. He took me to the doctor and got me put on meds for
the depression. He also had my primary care physician look at me, and
discovered that I had polycystic ovaries. I still had trouble making
myself exercise, so he didn’t give me a choice. “Exercising helps
depression. I’m working out, and you are working out with me.” When I’d
grumble or call him names, he’d usually make me laugh so I didn’t kill
him.
Now I exercise without his prompting, and I
watch my own diet. I’m skinny again, and our sex life is much better
because he’s actually attracted to me again. He didn’t tell me he
wasn’t attracted to me when I was heavy, because he knew that telling
me that wouldn’t help. Frankly, if he’d told me that while I
was sick, I’d probably have killed myself.
Now, I’ll admit that my husband put in a
whole lot more work than most human beings are willing to put into
their spouse. My husband deserves sainthood, if living atheists can get
such a thing.
Former Fatty
•••
Looks fade over the years. Losing your good
looks is one thing, but losing a lifetime of love and companionship is
gonna be a lot harder to deal with in your golden years. HARD should
remember the words “for better or for worse.”
My advice is, yes, be honest, but be
tactful, loving, and reassuring. Even a little white lie of saying you
think she’s still attractive to preserve her self-esteem is advisable.
I’m sure she knows she has a problem, and I’m sure she’s heard it from
her doctor. The health card is also important because she’s gonna pay
for that extra weight down the road with high blood pressure, joint
problems, and all the other problems that come with obesity. So play
that health card. Join a karate class, or something you both enjoy, and
make it fun.
Now comes the harder part, HARD: Concentrate
on what made you love her in the first place, and fantasize! Smoke a
little weed, watch some porn, and put that brain into action! Enjoy her
beautiful skin, hair, and scent and think about what turns you on, too.
If HARD cannot do this for her, she deserves better.
Further Along The Trail
•••
I thought your advice to HARD was
sound—and I wish I had received the same advice years ago.
My wife experienced a profound weight gain
soon after we married. I tried to pretend that her weight wasn’t an
issue for me, that I loved her no matter what, and so I avoided the
topic. Sometimes she would admit her weight problems during
self-deprecating outbursts, and I did play the “health” card a few
times amid my usual comforting statements, but to no effect.
What I never did, on this as well as other
issues, was be direct and honest. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.
And so my attraction to her waned to the point that I fell out of love
with her. Now I’ve left her and we’re headed for divorce, and I’ve
crushed a very good person.
Maybe HARD is headed for the same fate, and
maybe even the direct approach won’t work. Maybe it wouldn’t have
helped me either, but I sure wish I gave it a shot.
Another Male Asshole
•••
Good luck sorting out the weight/honesty
shitstorm. I got into a relationship a year or so back where I was
totally smitten with this girl. Shortly into getting involved, she told
me that she didn’t find me physically appealing. It was no surprise, I
was 50 pounds overweight. I suppose I could have been hurt about it,
but shit—she was laying naked in bed next to me when she said it,
and I loved her so much that if it meant losing weight to keep her,
then I’d fucking do it.
I started exercising, started eating a
healthier diet, and she was encouraging and supporting and positive
toward all the steps I was making. I worked to lose 40 of those 50
pounds and I’m on my way to losing those last 10. That relationship
didn’t work out for reasons besides the weight, but I’m grateful to her
for her honesty and the result it’s had on my health and my energy, and
when I feel ready to date again I know it won’t be that hard to find
someone interested.
Her honesty, painful as it was, was one of
the best things to happen to me in the last few years.
Not Fat No More
•••
So the whole HARD thing was… what? A sting
to expose your female readers as double-standard-using harridans? Your
comparison of the reaction to the two columns is just
facile—maybe the advice you gave both was bad? But I guess that
wasn’t the point, was it—you just wanted to write a column about
how your female readers suck.
You counsel a lot of people to DTMFA, which
I usually think is kind of harsh, but for once I’ll follow it, and take
your site out of my bookmarks.
Toff Toff
•••
I was reading over what you wrote and
received regarding the
should-he-or-shouldn’t-he-tell-his-fat-wife-to-become-less-fat
question. You mentioned the fact that women who want men and gay men
both suffer from being under the eyes of men. But women have the added
baggage of being under the eyes of men pretty much from birth while gay
men start having to worry about it when they start wanting men, which doesn’t occur till puberty.
The importance of a good physical appearance
is drummed into little girls from day one. Beauty in little boys is
probably not considered a bad thing, but, unless a little boy is
unusually ugly, I doubt he is going to have to worry much about whether
his parents, teachers, aunts, uncles, bus drivers, or peers find him
pretty. It’s what makes my little 3-year-old niece dress up like a
princess and refer to anything she thinks of as good as “the pretty
thing.”
Does that mean that honesty isn’t good or
that all women should be allowed to get chunky, zitty, and gassy while
their spouses close their eyes and plug their noses? I would say no.
But it does explain things a bit.
My Imagination Failed Me
•••
My parents were happily married for 29
years, but my mother was greatly overweight—she liked eating. My
father wanted her to lose weight but knew that you can’t say “you’re
fat” to someone you love and who you won’t leave.
One day she dropped dead. She had just
passed her 50th birthday.
I’m not a doctor and I can’t say that her
pulmonary thromboembolism was caused by her obesity. But I can’t help
thinking so.
We all miss her. And all I can say is that I
wish someone had had the courage to tell her to lose a few dozen
pounds.
Now can we get back to the freaks?
There Is No Excuse For Obesity
•••
I’m a lady who lost a relationship because I got too fat, and I have to say that your original “cobbled together” advice for HARD is, unfortunately, probably pretty right on for most people. The sad fact is that most men are frozen in their tracks by a fat woman. Another sad fact is that some of the time—more often than people like to admit—health issues that are out of a person’s (immediate) control are behind a midlife weight gain.
In my case, it was a misdiagnosed and undertreated thyroid condition that took several years to get under control. The result was a big, fat weight gain and the end of a relationship that I thought would last a lifetime. I’m still having a hard time losing the weight, but it’s coming off slowly with medication and exercise. I expect to work at it another couple of years before I can get back to anything like I was at 29.
So, that’s my sob story. And, of course, I wish that I had been with the kind of man who could have had compassion and understanding when my formerly healthy, strong, athletic body seemed to disappear overnight. Unfortunately, he did what a lot of guys do in this situation: First he ignored it, then he was patronizing, then he was frigid, then he was cruel, then we broke up.
Most men would never consider such a course if I’d had cancer, but because I had an autoimmune disease that was hard to see, hard to diagnose, and hard to treat, I’m now 37, unmarried, childless, fat, and, as far as I can tell, virtually undateable as far as most men are concerned. My standards have lowered quite a bit from my past days of hotness. I’d be happy to date ANYONE. But, no matter who the guy is, he just seems to want some thin hotty. (Leaving aside guys who just love fat chicks, who I’m reluctant to date because I still don’t really identify as a “fat chick” and wouldn’t want to get stuck in that role for life, either. Oddly, I would like to be able to be in a relationship with someone who is into me regardless of my body size! Go figure!)
My take on your advice to HARD and the whole controversy, then, might surprise you. Men dating women who get fat and can’t deal with it because their compassion and depth are lacking, yes, yes, by all means, bail. And tell her why you’re bailing—or else she might think it’s for something meaningful, like her words or deeds. Do her the favor of getting the hell out and take your condescension and contempt out of her life. She’ll be upset; everyone hates getting dumped. But losing a guy like HARD—who has no ability to see past the moral panic of dating a fat girl, someone who is too much of a coward to face the fact that things change, bodies change, and life is complicated—is probably the best thing that could ever happen to her, even if she ends up fat, single, childless, and 40.
Or, if you don’t want to be the world’s biggest dick, why don’t you dig in, explore the health issues, explore the psychological issues, sympathize, empathize, rebond with your now-fat love, and try to move toward the future and to health together in a way that works for you both and is realistic. Nobody gets fat in a vacuum; if it’s a hormone issue, an eating issue, a slovenliness issue, a self-care issue… those are all real, treatable health conditions like depression, anxiety, or maybe something that just makes you fat, like my thyroid thing. And try to remember: You’re not going to be healthy and beautiful forever, either.
Fat And Truthful
•••
Thanks to your totally honest advice to SAS and HARD, I now have a chance to have in my life permanently my beautiful (unhappily married) lover of two years. He made the final decision to leave his marriage after reading your response to SAS. He finally found the courage to leave a wife who does not turn him on and has not done so for years. She also let the sex decline to about five times a year shortly after they married 13 years ago, and then let herself totally go. Any attempts by him to address the low-sex issue in honest conversation over the years were vigorously discouraged.
This guy is a stunning lover, beautifully endowed, handsome, funny, kind, charming, witty, a gifted musician, and a great dad. He started his affair with me after 11 years of this nonsense.
He and I now have the prospect of a life filled with fun, lots of delicious sex, connection, communication, celebration, sharing, and honesty. And we are not going to waste it. People who are seriously overweight, or seriously not interested in sex, who crack a sad when their partners vote with their feet—wake up. I am not slim, but I sure as hell make an effort to stay in a size 16 zone, despite postnatal depression in my 20s, some serious illnesses in my 30s, and a first unhappy marriage. I have self-esteem issues, but I took them by the balls and worked on them (still do) till they became manageable. There is no excuse.
Dan, you give the most honest, no-bullshit advice I have read anywhere, and if people do not want to hear the truth about themselves, they need to grow up. I LOVED that you turned the tables on the bleeding-heart whiney-arse fatty sympathizers, whose sappy advice was subsequently rejected and vilified by other readers.
To all the dutiful and frustrated spouses out there: Be honest and leave, compassionately, and get your lives back. To the overweight and boring whiners: Get up, turn off the TV, go outside, walk around the block. Think about the gift of life, your body, what it means to have one, and start to value it. Get in touch with it again. Get gastric banding. Don’t drink shitty, sugary soft drinks. Buy less stuff. Eat less food. Weight is a health issue—a potentially lethal health issue—and a mental-health issue. Deal with it.
Thanks again, Dan, and never stop being honest!
R. M.