A thought for I Miss Her Boobs (hubby of
breast-cancer survivor): Turn off the light.
Greg
•••
As a woman, I think you went a tad too easy
on IMHB’s wife—understandably, though, given what she’s been
through. She had my total support UNTIL he mentioned that she will wear
prosthetic breasts to formal functions. If she’s doing that at his
request, then fine, that’s the best compromise she can make at this
time. However, if she’s doing it because she wants to look nice in
front of others, then I have to wonder why she doesn’t care more about
looking nice in front of (and the associated emotional response of) her
husband than a bunch of comparative strangers. Obviously, plastic
surgery is surgery, so that is a difference. But it still seems an
unfortunate place to stop caring about how one’s physical appears
affects others—not wrong, just misprioritized.
Just the thoughts of a woman who
(fortunately)…
Hasn’t Been There
•••
IMHB and his wife should give fun and games
with padded bras a try. Leaving an item of clothing or two on is kinda
sexy anyway. And if she’ll wear ’em to weddings, surely she’d consider
wearing ’em to bed once in a while. It’s temporary—she doesn’t
have to live with it all the time or deal with the surgical risks.
There are also fancier falsies available
which, with a bra, might do the job a whole lot better for him. With
any luck she’ll be okay with that on a regular basis. But if we view
this as his kink, then he should consider offering to follow your “one
time out of three” rule.
Philly Reader Illuminates Common
Kink
•••
I’m not going to bother pointing out IMHB’s
obvious character flaws, nor am I going to berate you for your
response. There will be plenty of that going on without me chiming
in.
What I do want to say is that my
sister-in-law went through the same ordeal, only in her case she opted
for the reconstructive surgery. After more than a year of fighting
recurring infections, she died of a stroke—brought on I’m sure as
a complication of all the crap that had been done to her.
My wife and I have talked it over, and if
she ever (dog forbid) has to go through a mastectomy, there is no way I
will support her having reconstructive surgery afterward.
Still Her Brother-In-Law
•••
Breast cancer runs in my family, and as a
busty chick, I’ve often wondered whether or not I’d go for
reconstructive surgery if I lost one or both of the girls. There is a
potential compromise, however, that wasn’t mentioned. Mastectomy bras
and lingerie have come a long way in recent years, as have external
silicone falsies to put in said lingerie. Sure, it won’t provide the
skin-on-skin contact Mr. I Miss Her Boobs is used to, but if he can
broach the subject without making his wife feel like she’s undesirable
without her breasts, her wearing implants in something sexy to bed
could at least offer something soft and squeezable.
Counting Her Blessings
•••
As a breast-cancer survivor who did the
breast reconstruction and now wishes she didn’t, I have to speak up for
the wife of IMHB. Implants are painful to get (the expansion process is
hell) and need to be replaced every 10 years or less, are
uncomfortable, expensive, and don’t even look so great naked (at least
mine don’t). Aside from all that, there is no sexual sensation in the
implants for the woman. What is gone is gone, and for IMHB to resent
his wife (and yes I think he does, a tiny bit) for not going through a
painful and potentially dangerous surgical process for his visual
sexual stimulation is, well, rude. I think you nailed it, Dan, when you
said this about your partner: “How would I feel if his body changed as
he aged and after a few decades together he wasn’t the exact same
23-year-old club kid I picked up in that gay bar?”
IMHB needs to be GGG and either close his
eyes, turn her over, or duh, realize that he loves this woman and get
over his homophobic fears that no boobs = boy. If IMHB doesn’t do that,
then there is always the possibility that one day his wife will find
someone who recognizes her for the strong courageous woman that she is,
finds that a tremendous turn-on, and leaves him.
With Implants But Regrets It
•••
I wonder if IMHB has seen nude mastectomy
patients who have gotten breast implants? Like very flat-chested women
who get extremely large implants, the lack of skin and tissue means the
new boobs are very definitely not real boobs—they don’t move or
feel like them, and it’s pretty evident that they’re fake. They will
help your clothes fit as they did on your premastectomy body, but won’t
fool a sex partner (at least one who knows what real and fake boobs
look like). And if the woman’s nipples were removed, the doctor has to
make new ones, including tattooing the areola. The guy is hoping his
wife’s body will look the way it once did—and it never will. I
understand his dismay, but if she can learn to accept it (I guarantee
you this was a bigger crisis for her), so can he.
Emily
•••
With all due respect, I have to tell you
that you made a bad call when it came to I Miss Her Boobs! My wife had
breast cancer, lost a breast, and later died of this terrible disease.
I think that the way for IMHB to “man up” is to realize that his wife
is a human being and there is a lot more to her than breasts. After my
wife had her mastectomy, I used to kiss her scar like nothing was
different. She reported to me that she still had erotic sensations as a
result. Odds are that you could lose a testicle to cancer, how would
you like it if your lover shunned you as a result? So the answer to
this situation is to quit being so dammed shallow and give your wife
the love and support that she must need at this time.
G. Cant-Think-Of-A-Clever-Signature
Williams
•••
IMHB is full of it. I’m 30 and my young wife
has beat breast cancer, too, after loosing a boob, and her hair and
some dignity with chemo. But let’s be clear—and most survivors
I’ve met would agree—it is a fucking appendage of skin. There is
no way IMHB has let his love life tank because of 500g of glandular
fat. He’s either scared shitless of future malignancy/metastasis or he
had pre-existing doubts about his wife way before the big C came along
and is looking for a way out.
In any case, while he is in denial, some
specific sex advice may help his sorry ass. The only way for him not to
feel weirded out (and thereby decrease the guilty feeling that follows)
is to accept her scars as the new norm. Touch the scars, fondle them
often. This is part of your new, and better, wife. Take some tasteful
topless pictures of them. Lick chocolate off them. Come on them for
fuck sake (trust me, it’s therapeutic!). These scars symbolize your
battle—both yours and your wife’s—and every time you see
them, try thinking about how lucky you both are. Your wife already
does—and that’s probably why she does not want fake
replacements.
I’m Glad She’s Here
•••
Were details of IMHB’s backstory edited out
of the letter that appeared? Stuff like, “We have attended
postmastectomy support groups and know we are not the only couple who
faces this difficulty.” Or “We have seen a highly recommended and
experienced couples therapist to try to work on this.” Or “My wife and
I spend quality time together, and together we have tried to find a way
to solve this seemingly insurmountable problem.”
My discomfort with the letter is that this
husband apparently thought that writing to you for advice was a better
idea than trying to work this out with his wife with the aid of more
appropriate professional help. Could he be, in a not very subtle way,
asking for your permission to fool around on his wife? Again, why ask
you?
Here is my experience. My husband, who I
fell in love with and married when he was a man, has, since our
marriage, transitioned to living as a woman. I like men. I like chest
hair. I like deep voices. I like tiny nippled man-boobs. He grew
alarming boobs with the help of hormones. Adolescent girl boobs. I am
not interested in adolescent girl boobs. As I mentioned, I like men. I
still miss his man-body. But I love him and I like living with him. We
sought professional help to deal with and resolve my lowered desire and
lust for his new body parts. It has been extremely helpful in many ways
beyond the adjustment to adolescent girl boobs. (I do not equate the
transition from man to transwoman with surviving breast cancer. But a
partner’s discomfort with the other partner’s body is the outcome we
might have in common.)
It sounds to me like there is more to this
story and that the husband has other issues beyond missing his wife’s
boobs and dealing with his alleged guilt about not getting over it.
It’s been five years. If he wanted to get over it, he would have
started working on it before this. And not by sending a letter to a
famous sex-advice columnist.
No Longer Missing His Old Boobs
•••
I am in a similar situation to I Miss Her
Boobs in that my wife had breast cancer, has not had reconstructive
surgery, and our sex life has dropped to zero. My question is why your
response to IMHB didn’t recommend that he get a little on the side and
otherwise stand by his wife. This seems to be a fairly standard piece
of advice you give for people who are in sexually unsatisfying
relationships, but you didn’t go down that road in this situation.
I take it that you say this when a partner
is voluntarily not meeting the needs of the other one sexually (not
rendered unattractive for a medically life-saving procedure). But
still, abandoning my cancer-stricken wife (and two kids) seems pretty
low, asking her to have surgery for my sexual satisfaction also seems a
little much, and living without sex seems beyond my level of
willpower.
I should also mention that while my wife
would be willing to have sex with me, she doesn’t seem to have any
issues with our current no-sex arrangement (most likely as she is now
often quite fatigued).
Also Missing Her Boobs
•••
My mom had breast cancer twice during my
late adolescence and early college years, and while the first time they
performed lumpectomies (where they just remove the cancer tissue), the
second time they decided to do a mastectomy on her left breast. My mom
always had a small rack, and was crushed to lose, as she put it, “what
little” she had. I overheard a conversation between my parents around
that time, where my mom asked my dad if he’d still find her attractive
with only one boob. He answered, “Always.” It was very tender and all
that shit, and while of course I have no idea what goes on in my
parents’ bedroom, I always thought it was a nice answer.
After a fairly short period (a couple
months?) of self-reflection, my mom elected to get an implant anyway,
and it was a disaster. Even though she went to a highly accredited
plastic surgeon and took good care of herself, she suffered an
infection from the process that nearly killed her—she was in the
hospital for about a month, I had the horrible experience at 18 of
seeing my mother half-conscious and drooling on morphine, and the
implant had to be removed anyway in the end. Her scar tissue is at
least double the size it was when she first had the mastectomy, and
she’s even more self-conscious about her body than she was when she
went in for the first procedure.
So I just wanted to amend your advice to
IMHB: He and his wife should inform themselves—TOGETHER—of
the risks involved in getting implants. Chances are, he won’t like the
odds. I know it sucks to be told that you love and are fucking someone
who looks a lot different than the person you signed up to love and
fuck, but better to be fucking her alive and titless than dead.
Her Mother’s Daughter
•••
IMHB and his wife are far from the first
people to have to deal with this. If doggy-style works for them, that’s
great, but if not, there are resources available to help them.
1. The American Cancer Society has a lot of
information on its website (www.cancer.org) on cancer and sexuality.
They also have a publication, Couples Confronting Cancer,
which might be helpful. And they have information on local support
groups—IMHB or his wife can call the 24-hour hotline
(1-800-ACS-2345) or send an e-mail through the website. They’re really
an excellent resource with tons of info.
2. The Y-ME National Breast Cancer
Organization has a 24-hour hotline staffed by peer counselors who are
cancer survivors. Even better, they have a partner match program, so
IMHB can talk to someone who’s been in his situation.
3. Marriage counselor/sex therapist. Pretty
self-explanatory.
IMHB obviously cares for his wife very much,
but as we’ve seen time and again in your column, you can’t change what
gets you hot just by force of will. If this were an easy thing for
people to deal with, there wouldn’t be marriage counselors or cancer
support groups or any of that. This is clearly more than they can
handle on their own, so maybe it’s time to ask for assistance.
Hopefully Helpful
•••
I, too, have survived breast cancer. And our
sex life has suffered because of it. I only had a lumpectomy, not a
mastectomy, and I had reconstruction. I still hate them and
find them, and my entire body, at least as repulsive as IMHB finds his
wife’s scars. I wish I could feel as good about my own body as she does
about hers. I won’t take my clothes off in front of my husband anymore.
I know it’s me, but I still feel completely humiliated. I’m afraid it
will be years before I get over it, if ever. (It’s been four years
since my diagnosis.) I honestly don’t know how any woman can live
peacefully with a mastectomy. I envy women who can. I still think, if I
ever faced such a choice, that I would choose death over mastectomy any
day. I don’t know for sure, of course. No one does, until actually
confronted with the issue. (And yes, I get therapy and have since I was
diagnosed.) You were certainly correct in stating that his
wife misses her breasts, too, Dan. But I disagree with you
when you say that he has a stake in her body, too, and maybe she should
consider reconstruction for his sake.
Breast-reconstruction surgery doesn’t give a
woman breasts. BRS can only give a woman lumps on her chest where her
breasts used to be, so that she looks more or less normal in clothing.
These lumps are entirely numb, and should they ever regain any
sensation at all, it will not be erotic sensation, only perception
between hot and cold, or some vague awareness of touch (similar to the
way you feel if someone touches your arm or leg). And they won’t have
nipples, unless she has even more surgeries. Those
reconstructed “nipples” have no sensation, either. Either IMHB doesn’t
know this ( presumably because he never bothered to do any research) or
he knows this and doesn’t care. In other words, IMHB wants his wife to
undergo the pain, expense, risk of death, and/or surgical complications
of BRS, so that he can enjoy her body and so that he can touch her “breasts” again. There is literally nothing in it for
her, except not having to bother with prostheses, which she may or may
not use now. He has no right at all to request such a thing of any
woman he loves. Doing it doggy-style won’t solve IMHB’s problems,
either. Trust me, his wife will know it’s because he finds her
unattractive.
In other words, the entire issue is with
IMHB, not his wife. He needs therapy yesterday.
Sad And Strong Survivor, Yearning
Because It Truly Can’t Happen
•••
I miss my boobs, too, and so does my
husband. I was unable to have reconstructive surgery for financial
reasons, and have since found out that it is not just a lengthy and
painful process, but it can also be very dangerous. I wear fake boobs
daily because I really wanted to at least look girly in my clothes, but
I wear a camisole to bed at night. He was a little sad when the “twins”
were removed, but he was much happier that I wasn’t removed. Anyway,
your straight friend was right, this guy just needs to be a man and
pony up for his wife. It isn’t all about the boobs.
Boobless Women Unite!
•••
I’m sure you got some flak for your
admittedly lame advice to IMHB. Here is what this guy really needs to
hear, from someone whose wife also had radical surgery after breast
cancer. Grow the fuck up. Sex is not all about how someone looks. If
you think it is, then just get a picture and jerk off. Sex is about how
someone moves, what they say, how they look in your eyes, how they
please you, how they accept pleasure. The sexiest part of a woman isn’t
her boobs, it’s her brain. It’s about connection, and corny as it
sounds, love. You think ugly people shouldn’t or don’t have sex? Think
again. If you think sex is all about body parts, then get a blow-up
doll or a hooker. Instead, you could think of this as your big chance
to explore what else sex could be besides playing with boobs. Sure, you
need time to grieve for the changes in your partner’s body, but believe
me, there is a whole universe of sex out there apart from boobs.
Longtime Reader