I’m a 50-year-old bisexual woman who has had
more than my share of interesting male lovers, and I’m currently
happily monogamous with the guy of my dreams. This is my advice to
15-year-old girls:
1. Befriend members of the opposite sex.
Guys are people too. They have feelings, ideas, and interests. Know
them as individuals. See them for who they are. Curb the fantasies.
Cinderella is a Fairy Tale. Honest.
2. Have a life – a real life. Don’t revolve
your life around looking for The Guy.
3. Cultivate interests in “guy” things.
Consider becoming a carpenter, a mechanic, riding motorcycles, playing
rock music, taking up martial arts. That’s where you will meet lots of
het guys. You won’t meet them in Ballet classes, or fashion shows.
4. It’s good to take care of your health and
your appearance — eat right, exercise, wear clothes that look good on
you. But no guy wants to wait a half an hour while you apply make-up.
Don’t obsess over insignificant details.
5. Be independent. Take care of yourself.
Earn your own money. Own your feelings. Think your own thoughts.
6. Be trustworthy. An intimate relationship
is sacred. Don’t tell your girlfriends everything that happens with you
and The Guy.
7. Understand what makes you tick sexually.
And go for it, ask for it, initiate it. Enjoy.
8. Understand that most relationships are
not forever – they have a beginning and an end. The fact that something
ends does not negate the time you spent together. Forgive, move on, and
if appropriate, stay in touch. Ex-lovers can make wonderful
friends.
9. Disregard all this advice if you are
looking to be a Trophy Wife, or to marry for money. I’m only talking
about Love, Sex and Happiness.
Lucky in Love
Fifteen year old girls think they have to
advertise, wear silly clothes, giggle and flirt. They think that being
single is the end of the world. I know: it wasn’t that long ago for me.
Dating baffled me; I was scared and lonely and thought I’d never meet
anyone who would like me without sacrificing most of my personality to
attract them. After a steady stream of “boyfriends,” many mistakes and
a gradual realization that the nice boys liked me BECAUSE of my
personality, I finally stopped believing that not having a boyfriend at
15 was the end of the world. It’ll happen. Give it time. Do things that
make you YOU before you get desperate to find someone else. And by
being YOU—whether YOU are a nerdy secret bondage pixie or a
wholesome gal with a collection of designer dildos—and it’ll
happen before you realize it.
Been In Those Shoes
I realize that you only invited adult female
readers to write in response to GAL’s plea for advice, but I thought
I’d take initiative and write to you anyway. I’m a 15 year old guy and
my advice is this: a lot of teenage guys have a lot of trouble reading
subtle hints from girls, especially girls they like. The best way to
get a guy’s attention is to be obvious. Let him know that you’ve got a
thing for him, and give him a chance to respond. Another thing that
would be good is to initiate conversations. Despite what guys may say,
a lot of us are really shy around girls, and if a girl initiates a
conversation with us, we’ll feel a lot more comfortable talking to
them, and telling them we’re interested in them.
Some Helpful Hints
The 15 Things I Wish I Had Known When I Was
15
1. Confidence is sexier than big boobs, a
tiny waist, or long blonde hair will ever be.
2. Medicated face wash will save your
life.
3. 15 year-old guys are just as shy around
girls as girls are around them. Beware the 15 year-old guys who can
kick game.
4. Making the first move is no longer
taboo.
5. Chances are, he is not picking up on the
subtle “I like you” signals you’re sending out. A smile here and “Hi”
there will not be enough for him to know you like him; you may have to
tackle him in the hallway with a note that spells it all out, in no
confusing terms.
6. At 15, three weeks constitutes a “long
term” relationship.
7. Rejection is not the end of the world,
unless you make it that way.
8. You have the boobs; you make the
rules.
9. That being said, having the power of the
boobs is like having the force; be careful how and when you use it.
10. Not all guys are created equal.
11. Your mom is right; that outfit DOES make
you look like a whore.
12. There WILL be rumors.
13. Being fun and funny will get you further
than being catty and bitchy.
14. He’s not as great as you think he
is.
15. The most popular, pretty girl in school
is just as awkward and confused as you are.
Adrienne H.
I work as a Teen Librarian, which means that
a variety of 12-18 year olds attempt to attract each other within ear
shot every day (it’s often as ugly as it sounds). I have three pieces
of advice for your 15 year old female reader. First, don’t forget about
hygiene! I see a lot of girls that are so busy trying to catch some guy
(or girl’s) eye that they forget the basics like, uh, showering and
wearing deodorant. Second, don’t try to be something you’re not. I see
a lot of girls that go the opposite end of the hygiene thing, and coat
themselves with a layer of makeup that’s an inch thick. Wearing whore
makeup and pants that fall 4 inches under your ass crack might get you
attention, but trust me girls, it’s not the kind of attention you want.
And lastly, get a damn hobby or something! If you want to attract
quality guys who are actually going to be interesting, stop giggling
when they walk by and think of something interesting to talk about.
Hope this helps!
Acronyms are Tricky
What do I wish I knew at age 15? That I
should live my life as if I would never have a man. I wish I had
known that I should be financially self-sufficient, that I should
cultivate interests in things I enjoy, that I should grow friendships
that will stand the test of time. I wish I’d known then that I should
make a life for myself that I enjoy and find fulfilling. And then if a
guy comes along who can complement, not substitute for, my life he is
the gravy not the whole damn meatloaf.
And I wish I had known, and this is
important, that a good, emotionally healthy man will appreciate me for
being a human being with a full life outside of any sexual or
romantic relationship. Any man who expects less is not someone I want
to waste a Saturday night on, let alone the rest of my life.
Joyful In Baltimore
It’s been fifty-five years since I was
fifteen and although I know many things have changed, I’m betting that
getting a boy’s interest is much the same. Be friendly toward boys in
an honest and open way. Practice a genuine smile and use it. Talk to
boys that you know and show interest in what they have to say. Keep an
open mind about which boys you might like to know better. Don’t set
your heart on the cute football player and ignore the quiet guy who
sits behind you in math class. Don’t go after a boy who is dating
someone else. Remember that boys make great friends and that is just as
important as having a “boyfriend.” For now, stick with boys within a
year or two of your own age. You can branch out later when you have
more experience. Don’t walk, run from a boy who makes fun of you,
doesn’t want you to have other friends or hurts you physically in any
way. If he won’t leave you alone, get help from an adult. If you do
start “going out” with a boy be sensitive to the cost of dating. Share
expenses and look for activities that do not cost much. Don’t be in a
hurry to become intimate. If you feel that things are moving in that
direction, talk it over with someone you trust. Get your birth control
information from someone older who you know has the facts and do those
things you need to do to protect your health and your future.
Remember that not all your relationships
will work out. There will be some heartache along the way, but this is
a wonderful exciting time in your life. If you develop honest and open
relationships with boys now you will be setting a good standard for the
rest of your life.
Jan
Two words: Skin care. It sucks to look 35
when you’re only 24. Just because you have acne now, girls, that
doesn’t mean it won’t clear up later.. Keep it clean, moisturized and
use sunscreen! And not just when you go to the beach, but a mild SPF
on even overcast days will keep your skin healthy.
Skin Care Nazi
I’m an adult, female reader, and this is
what I know now that I wish I knew when I was 15:
I wish I hadn’t rushed into having sex with
a partner. The orgasms I was able to give myself at 15 were great fun,
and I was incredibly creative in finding new ways to make myself come.
When I started having sex it was with other teenagers, and the
orgasms were few and far-between. And the sex really wasn’t all that
fun.
Wishing She Could Turn Back Time
It doesn’t matter if you are skinny, fat,
braces, glasses, unpopular, or the most popular girl in school, because
when you get out of school, none of this matters anymore. What men want
is a woman that believes she is attractive. The more attractive you
feel, the more attractive men will find you.
That said, I recommend…
1) Exercise. Men like healthy women. Please
notice that I didn’t say skinny women, but healthy women. If you
exercise and eat healthy, your skin will be bright and smooth, you will
feel better about yourself, and you will be active, which all men find
attractive.
2) Read. Real men like smart women.
3) Confidence. This is really the most
important. If you think that you are a “good catch,” men will too.
A Confident Woman In Boston
My insecurities at 15 centered around my
physical appearance. I am not a “conventionally attractive” girl and
when I was younger I always assumed boys would have to be forgiving of
my physical self and let my personality and intellect win out. It
wasn’t until college (college!) that I realized I was wrong. I met a
guy to whom I represented the aesthetic ideal, and he made this
abundantly clear to me while we were together. I wish I had been able
to figure out that everyone is someone’s aesthetic ideal on my own and
a hell of a lot sooner. It boosted my confidence and allowed me to give
a big “fuck you” to the beauty myth So my advice to the young ones is
likewise to give a big “fuck you” to the beauty myth. If your column
has taught us nothing else, Dan, it’s that preferences, be they
preferences in physical appearance or sexual practice, are individual
matters.
Sexy in Some Circles
Here is what I wished I knew when I was 15:
Some guys will fuck mud. Just because a guy is willing to have sex with
you, it’s not indicative that he likes your personality or finds you
physically attractive. That being said, it’s really not that hard to
get guys to sleep with you. Lots of guys probably already want to, they
just aren’t saying so.
However, and herein lies my most important
point… no matter how much porn or “Our Bodies, Ourselves” or Savage
Love you read, it doesn’t mean you’re prepared to deal with the
emotions that can come with having sex. I found that out the hard and
I’d rather that other girls don’t have to go through the same
thing.
Rachel F
Guys don’t want to hear about shopping. They
don’t enjoy incessant giggling. They don’t like clingy chicks. Have a
life. Do things you like to do. Watch some football once in awhile.
When you’re around guys, be yourself, don’t turn into a giggling
idiot.
LF
The best advice I ever got was when I was in
my 20’s, and I was able to pass it on to my 14yo sister (poor kid went
to Catholic school, didn’t even know what a clitoris was!): A hard-on
is not terminal.
Just because a boy is suffering from a bad
case of wood poisoning, doesn’t mean you have any obligation to go
further than you are comfortable. Even if he whines. Even if he begs.
And if he gets rough, get outta there! But, honestly, don’t feel
guilty, his erection is not your responsibility, he’s got lots of
experience taking care of himself.
Just Another Dame, Enjoying Dick.
A few things I wish I knew at 15:
1. Any teenage male that says he “just wants
to hold you,” and doesn’t want to make out for fear of “ruining the
friendship,” isn’t extremely sensitive, he’s extremely gay. Or he finds
you extremely unattractive. Either way, don’t waste your youthful
energy spooning in his bed. You could be out there with some hot guy
who really digs you.
2. You should get as much pleasure from
making out/having sex as he does, and you shouldn’t force yourself to
do anything that feels uncomfortable, gross, or poorly executed. When
that guy is pushing your head down into his crotch, your instinct that
it isn’t sexy is in fact correct.
3. There is no need to sit through a
fumblefest pretending to sigh. “Sex” doesn’t constitute a dude rubbing
against something until he blows his wad.
4. Enjoying sex doesn’t make you a slut. It
makes you normal and healthy.
5. Sperm is not a supernatural substance
capable of leaping buildings and burrowing through your pajamas and
underwear to force its way into your fallopian tubes and make you a
teen mother. A condom will do the trick, though the pill is excellent
backup when dealing with clumsy boys.
Wishin’ Immature Girls Got Lovin’
Everyday
I was a bitter virgin till I was nearly 21.
Then I left the country and found a lonely Canadian prone to drinking,
and d&d and fell in love. I was old enough to not sell myself short
and mature enough that when he told me after a few months of living
together that he likes to shove dildos up his butt, I could tell him
honestly that there was nothing that he could do alone that we couldn’t
do together. What’s more, since he knew how to stick things up butts so
well (having practiced on his own ass for years), when he said “Can I
stick it up your butt?” I considered it, along with his expertise, and
agreed.
In short, when you yourself mature to a
certain level, you’ll have a better chance of finding a guy who’s also
at that level.
Captivated Lover Of All Cavities
Available.
I wish I knew then that abusive boyfriends
can be “nice” guys who seem to really do love their girlfriends, but
neither of those facts make their behavior any more acceptable. I’m
sure my Health Class curriculum included the obligatory, “If he
hits/forces himself onto/shames you, he doesn’t love you and is
abusive” lecture, but no one ever told me that nice, loving, boys
shouldn’t be tolerated either if they are abusive, even if it “only”
happens occasionally.
When I was 15 and desperate to be loved, I
didn’t walk away from a certain boyfriend because he wasn’t a monster
like abusive boyfriends I’d been warned about. He was a sweet, funny,
smart, and fucked-up. I thought that because he wasn’t mean he just
needed saving and that it was my responsibility to stay with him and
not abandon him because of his “illness.” I should have stuck to taking
care of myself instead, because no matter how much I loved him, the
help he needed was far beyond me. I let him hold me back in the name of
“love.” Big mistake.
T.
I am a 14 year-old guy. In regards to the 15
year-old girl seeking advice about getting guys, I have one thing to
say. JUST ASK US OUT. Many of us will say yes, especially the lonesome
bookworm guys that are two shy to ask a girl out (like moi). I’ve
secretly yearned for a girl since the hormones kicked in, and I’d love
it if some girl came up to me and asked if I wanted to go to a
movie.
Yearning For A Date
My advice: Sit in their laps. It worked for
me. But choose the laps carefully. Sit in one or two laps at most. Any
guy you date at 15 is an experiment, not your husband. So just chose
someone nice, someone you feel won’t reject you, or abuse you.
Then take it slow. Make out a lot in places where you can’t get fully
naked. Get to know them, and get to know your self. Masturbate to
orgasm. Then show Mr. Nice Guy how it’s done.
Remember, though, its just practice. You can
make mistakes!
Nice and Easy
Something I wish I had known when I was
fifteen: If a guy tells you he just wants sex and isn’t interested in a
relationship, believe him. Also, don’t fuck guys who have girlfriends;
it will end badly. And if you just want to meet hot guys, join the
Army. Most of them are douchebags, but if all you want is sex the
85%-hot-guys aspect of the Army still gives you pretty good odds.
Rose
My daughter—who is also
fifteen—has finally developed a social life. Nothing much is
going on; she’s still wearing her retainers and she usually goes out
with groups of kids instead of individual ones. But boys are looming on
the horizon. Your question “What do you know now that you wish you knew
when you were 15?” made me sit down and write my Ten Rules down for her
and all the other girls out there. Here they are:
1) Sex is just like eating, breathing,
peeing or anything else your body does, except more fun.
2) If you’re not having fun, stop.
3) Porn isn’t reality, it’s show
business.
4) Its OK to enjoy sex with someone you’re
not in love with, but don’t count on sex to make someone like you
more.
5) Love isn’t what you think.
6) Nobody’s perfect.
7) Relax.
8) Drunk/stoned/impaired/coerced/unprotected
sex is stupid.
9) If you do it in my bed I will kill
you.
10) If you do it without rubbers I might not
have to kill you. Oh. And…
11) Keep your hair off of your forehead –
you have such pretty eyes.
Your Loving Mom