Features Apr 2, 2009 at 4:00 am

A Complete List

As originally printed Photos by Kelly O and Mike Wilkes


This was the best thing I've ever read on the stranger.
You left out "People Who Don't Divide the World into Different Kinds of People", even though those people clearly aren't paying attention. They're out there, though. Probably watching Two and a Half Men.
I love you too.
people who type "first"
that shits funny. thanx for making temping bearable. u forgot about people who bite thier nails and stare at the calendar though.
Dear Fat Hipster,

This is the greatest Stranger article of 2009! Sorry, other Stranger writers. Even though it's only April 1 you've already lost.

Lindy, can I bear your children?

Evil Clown Recession Hooker
The line "There but for writing a bunch of bullshit in a paper, go I" sums up this piece.
haha amen to the comment about television.

i was a mass communications major in college..obviously tv had to be a major part of my life. doesn't make me a moron. just like listening to npr doesn't make you smart.
I *heart* you Lindy West. Really you are just buckets of kittens adorable. Thank you.
I love you too, young Robert Benchley with boobies.
Ohmygod, I love you.
Lindy motherfuckin' West you are my HEROOOOOOOOOO. I bow to your genius.
You also forgot "People who HAVE to comment on the snow and say how much they're looking forward to moving back to California." So? Move already. And what's wrong with Russian wizards? Have you read the Night Watch series by Sergei Lukyanenko?
I love you. Marry me?
That was fucking obnoxious. So you've got some pet peeves. Its worth writing about? Isn't there something more write-worthy going on right now?
You don't ride a fixed gear Lindy...?
That was amazing. The part about wizards slayed me. I cannot say with certainty that my coworkers are not wizards.
Isn't facebook for shit like this
Good fucking God that was funny. Lindy, you are the master.
soooo Seattle, sorry.
I didn't know you had a beard in addition to being a fat hipster, but if you wrote a column like this every week I'd read it. Who's your boss there? Can't he make this a regular feature?
Interestingly, the Seattle Times also published a recent article attacking|about people who post comments on blogs. It was the usual "live in their parents basement" aspersion.

Seriously, if you're going to have comments, why complain about what is posted? And if you don't want anonymous posting, why not use Gravitar?
Under People Who Are Old, you left out the "of Titanic" after "the old lady who dropped it into the ocean at the end"
You earned yourself an open invitation to dinner at my house. There will be cake.
You've been to Saturn? Hey, I've been to Saturn! Whoa. Sandworms. You hate 'em right? I hate 'em myself.
Can we stop with the "I love you Lindsys" and "PLEASE bear my children, Lindsy" comments on every piece of drek this woman vomits on a page? Thanks.
I love you Lindy!

(Suck it Cookie Cutter)
Lindy is my hero.
This just reminded me of the one thing that I didn't hate about FUCKING SEATTLE! when i ;lived there:
The Stranger!
Too bad you had to read all the way to here to see this comment.
Lindy, I don't need TV. I have you!
This is one of the best articles I have read. Although I would like to secretly still believe that "People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice" are secretly the devils spawn who only have hate in their hearts.
that was fuckin lame..... you don't know how sick i am of reading things that attempt to be witty (and its extremely obvious they're trying) and its just not. stop. and that jimmy stewart yeti smuggling shit was on boingboing a couple weeks ago.
If "Tweet" is the verb, are "Twit" and "Twat" now proper conjugations of it ?
Hobo is a fun word which should be used as often as possible. Also, I would happily read any publication cover to cover if it were written entirely by the hilarious and wonderful you.
Lindy Lindy Lindy
Lindy all day long
We love Lindy so much
We sing the Lindy Song
Lindy you are awesome. And I'm going to go use the word romanceful somewhere right now.
Yeah, I know i'm that person. I was laughing merrily until I got the part about ppl and evolution. Why do the ppl on the strnager think they are so avant garde and cutting edge when they hate on Christians? FYI, you are doing the same exact things you always accuse Christians of, i.e. puting them in a box, discrimanting against them, etc. Thre are all kinds of Christians and even if we were all fundies we would still have the right to our beliefs and opinions.

p.s.- for the all the bs i know is coming blah blah blah yeah some Christians discrimate, some hatemonger, some are hypocrites. Isn't some of everyone?
Just read the comments. Man, there are a lot of humorless shits out there.
As always, good stuff, Lindy. I am beginning to think that you and Paul Constant are the reasons I read this blog.
the bit about TV was stupid.
there are some people who don't watch tv because...they just don't. not because they are "symbolically" trying to make a statement.
in the last ten years, i've owned a tv for only one year. this is because i just like doing other things, is because i'm busy, is because i'm cheap, and is because i don't like the space it takes up and so on and so on.
it's not symbolism.

where's the section in the article about People Who Blather On About The Most Important TV Show EVAR ...and Then Can't Deal...OMG You Haven't SEEN That? You've NEVAR Seen Lost or Battlestar Galactica or 24 or Project Runway blah blah blah...
Lindy, as a token of my creepy Interwebs love for you, I recommend you watch the feast in the movie "Big Night." Seriously... it is really nice.
I love you, too. That was wonderful.
lindy won funniest person in high school. she's also one of the nicest person you'll ever meet. (in other words, that person who is pretty and smart and funny and so super friendly and thoughtful.)
"The Different Kinds of People That There Are" is one of the best headlines that there is.

My only complaint -- and it's a wee one -- is that all of the pictures are of basically The Same Kinds of People, except maybe for the Smoking Man, but the others could easily become him eventually.
Hey, I AM scared of clowns, it goes back to reading "It" in seventh grade and the subsequent clown nightmares. But you're right, not all of them are scary, how could you not like Krusty?!
Part of me agrees with you just the slightest bit, and another, much larger part of me thinks that you're a condescending bitch who acts like a fucking hypocrite by dividing up people into one of three groups (lovably dopey, people who make you hot and bothered, and blasphemers who are neither), then subtly dropping hints as to who you should and shouldn't be nice to.

Oh, here's the best part. This is you: "Hi, I'm Lindy West. Here's some people who I like and don't like. Don't bother with the fact that I'm kind of being a bitch by doing this, and the fact that to me, difference of opinion is a nice way of saying that they're beneath me. Really, try to focus on the jokes. Hey, look, here's a joke about a wizard, please try to pay attention to that instead!"

God, shut the fuck UP now and then, please? Every time I turn around there's another Lindy West story that I half-like and half-hate her guts for.

This particular article is one of her most revealing. It's like Lindy West soup: A joke now and then sprinkled on top of rich, chunky self-righteousness and a healthy dose of condescension. How's it feel up on your pedestal? Does it feel good? I bet it does. Go get herpes.
"Can we just skip to the part where you gun down everyone in the Taco Bell?"

That line made my day. Thank you.
My GOD, this was so amazing. Totally made my day. How do I put the way I feel into words? I just can't. I just. Can't.
Also, may I remind some people to not take life SO FUCKING SERIOUSLY.
I don't watch the teevee. Does that make me not-not-dumb? No! Screw you, all you hipster fatties! SCREW you. So what if you can beat me in Trivial Pursuit.
oh Lindy, my heart pumps for you and your writing. but i do hate clowns.
I love Lindy West so much.
i think you try too hard. it must be tiring. but at least you get paid for it.
Oh Lindy, your writing is wonderful. Thank you!
I laughed out loud! This was funny and entertaining.
I only don't watch TV because I am too neurotic to pay attention to a video for a half hour because oh my god there's so much else I could be doing and I can just watch it on Hulu later and anyway there's nobody to watch it with me and I have to keep up with my Google Reader, and listen if I watch TV, the universe? It's totally going to explode.

Also it keeps people from telling me 'oh you need to watch this one show that everyone else is watching' when I'm just like 'meh, do you want to just get lunch and talk about kittens or something? Some coffee? No?' because I don't want to disappoint anyone so I just pretend I am part of the weird anti-TV movement when really I just don't want to commit to getting into a series, because I am afraid of everything.

But seriously. Getting lunch and talking about kittens. It's the next market trend, I can feel it.
I officially love you, Lindy.

It's true. Why?

"Symbolically not doing something for the sake of not doing it is almost never evidence of sophistication. It is evidence of not knowing what you're fucking talking about."

I'm mentally sending you all the Ranier (and breakfast Sprite) you can handle.

Fools go drink the haterade, she is funny.
She is damn funny.

I *heart* LW.
This just made my night! Such truth and comic. LOVE IT!

Dear Lindy West,

A+ piece. Also, I love you too. But please tell Paul Constant that I love him more.

Nothing personal or anything. He's just more my type.

Love, Jocelyn.
hilarious...made my day way better
Uhm, Lindy, I love you. I swore off posting for The Stranger for a while--maybe you should add a category of "People who think Dan Savage is racist for blaming Black people for Prop. 8 and therefore pretend not to read The Stranger until Lindy posts the best article ever."

My fav part is about the cats walking across the cutting board with their shitty paws.

You delight me!!!!
Lindy, you are quickly replacing Adrian! as the love of my Stranger-influenced life.
...you know i heart you too. ? right.. always...
but where IS adrian ?..
just axin..
I've managed to stay up until 4:30 a.m. and not beat it.
Stephen: You can use "Twit" and "Twat" only if you are a "Twink".
Awesome. This article is the reason I'm bookmarking this site, right now.

you can't hate nambla the clown... he's not scary... unless the acid is just kickin in... but people who wear cat-eye contacts... they is scary... and people who use too many elipses...
i love you too :)
FINALLY. someone who shares my annoyance at people who say they're afraid of clowns. you expressed my feelings quite accurately. bravo! then again, i'm one of those douchebags who doesn't watch TV... go figure.
You won my heart months ago with "Type 1 Fly-abetes!"
This whole article just confirms it: You're my favorite.
My father always said there are only forty two people in the world. I always thought that was pretty accurate. Your archetypes are much funnier. Thanks for the laugh this morning.
Seriously, this article is made of win and awesome
Thank you SO much for writing this. Hilarious and brilliant - you're a genius. :)
OK, OK, OK, I know this is starting to get kinda old now, but I just gotta say: I LOVE THIS!!! You and Savage Dan, Lindy! You guys made my day. Lindy, think about this: If you did date a "hobo", could it potentially turn into a "bum lay"? (Sorry--that's an old joke I read in Playboy in the 1950's, I think.) Also, don't forget Bill Paxton was pretty good in that vampire movie, and also in that movie where that old lady throws the jewel in the ocean at the end. I don't watch TV except at other people's houses. Not a political statement, but for almost 20 years I lived beside a lake, in a valley, where reception was almost nonexistent and I was/am too cheap/poor to get cable. Best wishes from northwest Pennsylvania, and keep up the great work!--Tim
I like how everyone either blindly loves this article or finds something to passionately hate about it.
Fat + Hipster is much better than skinny jeans + ANYTHING!!!
@ gloomy gus- seriously? Robert Benchley? How old are you? 95? 96?
I read lists like these at least weekly from all over Internet.
Is this really new stuff to all you folks? It seemed pretty "meh" to me.
Sorry Lindy.
love it!
This is pitiful. Nice try at seeming witty.
I much prefer the classical-Linnean style of "Cherohonkees / Food Court Druids", as opposed to the "Dear Diary" style that $100-Away-From-Recession-Hooker has employed here.
that was great! And I am afraid of clowns but I watch TV.
This article is made entirely of AWESOME.
the fun-high i got from reading that was so great it totally sustained me through reading all the comments that were (as i'm sure you anticipated when you wrote this) just examples of what you were talking about. i know you're probably past reading comments right now, but sometimes i have so much fun (laughing out loud on my couch so hard i had to put down breakfast) i just have to thank the person. so thanks, lindy. and ha ha to all the people who think their burn really matters to her. she's so much cooler than you.
I thought it was funny and agree with most of it, but why do you still think religion and science are mutually exclusive. It's as old and stupid as the abortion debate. Why can't you just be cool to people with beliefs?
This is the best thing I have ever read.
Listen, old people. Pigeons do not love you. Much like robots and the British, pigeons do not have the capacity to feel love.

Is my favorite line ever. Thanks for making Thursday a little better!
In regards to "People who are Old".

George Burns, and Andy Rooney aren't old. They're dead.
OMG Lindy I love you so much I think I just came in my pants. Christ. You Lindy loving twats make me sick.
nicely written. you're a bitchy dave barry. but funny.
This is one of the greatest features in The Stranger ever, and it is hands-down the funniest. I was reading it on the bus, and I was totally laughing - not just on the inside, but on the outside too. And people were looking at me, but it was ok. And I love you too.
My GOD woman, you've touched me in ways I've never thought possible for a woman to touch a man! Probably because I thought women were only supposed to touch my rugged manliness located in the midst of Firecrotch Forest. That's gross, I'm sorry, what were we talking about? No I Will Not Make Out With You! I'm Here To Learn, People, Not TO Make Out With You!
I love this article. You forgot nothing.
awesome! so going to read your stuff from now on!
Hilarious. Thanks for actually making me laugh out loud several times.
i am DYING. this is so HILARIOUS.
This is love. Love you.

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