Miss Texas 1988

The drag clown Miss Texas 1988 was determined to wear three different looks to Rapture, the monthly party at the Timbre Room. Her first outfit, a crimson skirt paired with black kitten heels, felt lackluster, so Miss Texas was surprised when a normcore stranger followed her outside to tell her how good she looked. Miss Texas was even more surprised when the man began making out with her in her messy car. "Sorry about all the cardboard—it's for props," Miss Texas joked. The man kissed her and said, "Don't you need to change?" She did. In between gropes and bites, Miss Texas slipped into her second look of the evening: a ghostly, sloppy dress with small baby-doll heads sewn onto it.

Instead of enjoying the hot, unexpected stranger in her car, she worried these baby-doll heads were far too extra. "Uh, hope you're not weirded out by this," she said, while the stranger moved his hands up her thighs. "Not at all," he said, before sucking on her neck. "That's nice," she said, and then they finished their business. She swears he grabbed a doll head while coming.

Uh Oh

Uh Oh (the alter ego of the author of this piece) wasn't trying to be sexy, let alone liked. Uh Oh's greasy unibrow, fake buckteeth, and misshapen red cheeks were supposed to be "anti-drag" at best, and funny at worst. But Uh Oh's boyfriend finds this look "totally hot" in "a weird way."

"What are you wearing underneath?" the boyfriend said recently, looking at the lime-green crinoline tutu, faux bearskin hat, and sequined shirt of SpongeBob SquarePants's face. Uh Oh: "Currently? Nothing." Boyfriend: "What time is it?" Uh Oh: "We've got about 10 minutes." The face sucking quickly turned into dick sucking. (Uh Oh graciously removed the buck teeth.) The dick sucking became fucking—without lube. "It'll be fine," said Uh Oh, before a quick move created a sharp pain that turned out to be an anal fissure. But the show, as they say, went on.

Strawberry Shartcake

Strawberry Shartcake swirled around the tiny dance floor at Pony in a look she described as "very Eurythmics"—an oversize hot-pink women's blazer, loud pumps, no pants, and a jockstrap. She was giving pure genderfuck sex appeal, and one man, a six-foot-tall, barrel-chested daddy, wanted in on it. "I wanna fuck you so bad," he said. She gasped, "I'm in drag!" "I don't fucking care," he said. "Fine, come show me your dick," she said.

In the bathroom, the dude whipped out his cock. But he was too soft to play. After 10 minutes of fumbling, Shartcake was inspired by something Gloria Steinem had said at the inaugural Women's March, and she ended the bathroom soiree by saying, "No more waiting for daddy."

As the bar was closing, the horny daddy came up to her again and said, "I still wanna fuck you." But Shartcake didn't want to bring him home only to repeat their bathroom encounter. "Okay, meet me out back," she said. The daddy proceeded to eat her out behind Pony's dumpster. A guy walking past stopped, dumbfounded, but Shartcake didn't really notice. She was too busy Snapchatting the whole thing. "Just another Sunday," she yelled. The horny daddy finished, and then he followed her on Snapchat.


You can catch all three of these messy monsters the first Saturday of every month at Kremwerk hosting Arthaus: Drag Haus Battle Royale.