There are plenty of good things about being human. Our disproportionately large brains and opposable thumbs have enabled us to engineer such wonders as massage chairs, bacon-flavored dental floss, and soft little oranges that basically peel themselves. We are, truly, a wondrous species. But for all our inborn features and outward tech, we are really no better than fish when it comes to the basic task of sleeping through winter. Bears can do it, skunks can do it, even some snakes can do it—and yet here we are, in the middle of winter, awake.

It's a shame that instead of creating some magic pill that allows us to hibernate, our best minds are busy curing cancer and putting sedans on Mars. But until Elon and the other geniuses put down the toys and get to work on what really matters, we have to find alternative means of surviving this season. Personally, I recommend being born fabulously wealthy, which allows one to skip around the globe chasing suntans and mai tais. If it's too late for that, you can always get high and do some crafting. Here are a few projects to get you started.

You can really use any hefty book for this particular craft, but there's something especially delicious about turning religious texts into stash boxes, isn't there? The process is simple: Take a razor blade (I recommend an X-Acto knife for this, as you're slightly less likely to stick a blade into the meat of your hand), open your Bible (or someone else's), and carve a square or rectangle into the pages. Keep doing this until you've either been diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome or there are no pages left in the book. After that's over with, use a clear glue to paint the edges of the paper together, and—voilà!—you can store drugs there, as well as cash, passports, small weapons, etc. Stow it on your bookshelf, and no one in their right mind will think of flipping through it.

Whittling is a fantastic exercise for people who smoke a lot of pot. There are very few tools to lose—some sticks and a paring knife will do it—and it's incredibly dull and time-consuming, which makes it the perfect stoner craft.

Make yourself some tea, crank up your space heater, and whittle some spoons while you watch old episodes of The Great British Bake Off or (if you're more into tragedy) Planet Earth. You don't even have to forage for wood yourself, although that also counts as a craft, as there are whittling kits that come with plenty of soft, pliable wood for you to carve up. My girlfriend has gotten deeply into whittling this winter, and in addition to now having dozens of tiny wooden spoons that are great for people looking to lose weight (you try eating Nutella off a spoon the size of a crayon), our house is now covered in wood shavings, just like a Texas roadhouse! Cozy!

Back when I bought weed from a guy who wore kilts and made deliveries in an art car, I had a lifetime supply of little plastic weed baggies. Now that most of us buy pot from licensed dealers, our weed is less likely to come in a baggie than it is a neatly branded glass jar. After a while, all those little jars add up. Until recently, there were roughly 30 of the things taking up space in my weed room (what? You don't have one of those?), but then I had the truly brilliant idea of turning them into candles. Which, a few days later, my girlfriend actually did while I yelled at her not to drip wax on the oak floor.

This craft requires wax chips and wicks (both are available at craft stores) and a stove to heat the wax on. Throw your wax chips in a pot you don't love, and when it's nice and liquid, pour the wax into your empty weed jars and add a wick before it sets. You can add fragrances and dyes, or—my house method—throw some lemon zest and orange peel into the mix. It will immediately get subsumed by the wax, but you can vaguely smell citrus while it burns. Or maybe that's the Super Lemon Haze in the dab rig? Either way, a little extra light will help you survive this godforsaken season.

Nothing says hygge like settling in on a dark winter night with some knitting needles and a giant pile of pet hair. Why pet hair? Because there's no reason to steal a sheep's winter coat when there are cats and dogs giving it away for free. Most any long-haired cat should work, but if you're more of a dog person, get down to the shelter and find yourself a chow chow, golden retriever, Samoyed, Newfoundland, or any old mutt with long hair and a hefty undercoat.

Shaving your cat or dog will not work (and rarely looks good), so no need to invest in a shaver. Instead, get a brush and actually pay attention to the animal until you've saved up enough of its outer layer for whatever it is you want to knit. This may take a while, so start now and you'll probably have enough by next winter.

Want to turn the fur into a scarf? Once you've got enough saved up, wash it so it doesn't smell like an animal, spin it into yarn with a drop spindle (whatever that is), and then all you need to do is learn how to knit. I'm a little muddy on that part of the process, but that's why dog made YouTube. Just make sure that whoever you bestow your pet-hair scarf upon isn't deathly allergic. Unless they put you in their will—in which case, make sure that they are.

Happy hibernating!