The surveys are in, the answers have been tabulated—everything from whether you're okay with having pets in the room while you're getting it on to whether you'd jump into bed with Jay Inslee—and it's time to unveil this year's crop of sexual secrets.

First things first: Beto O'Rourke is the most bangable presidential candidate. His favorability among straight women, bi women, and gay men carried the day—with a strong finish in the top three of each of those categories of sexual orientation. This is probably the only election Beto is ever going to win, so let's congratulate the tall drink of water from the Lone Star State. Kamala Harris and Cory Booker came in second and third place overall, and no one wants to fuck Jay Inslee (except, presumably, his wife, Trudi).

Pete Buttigieg is popular with gay guys. No surprise there. But one thing that did surprise us is that he's also popular with old people—very, very popular. The older you are, the more you want to get into Mayor Pete's pants. Only 23 percent of respondents 18 to 25 want to bust a nut with Buttigieg, but nearly 60 percent of people ages 76+ do. What do geriatrics see in this guy? Must be the soft manner, the smooth cheeks, and the Harvard pedigree.

Below, you'll also see the results of this year's Fuck, Marry, Kill contest; the percentage of men who identify as straight who've sucked cock (it went up a point since last year); the percentage of women who identify as straight who've eaten pussy (also up a point since last year); the number of sexual partners you and your neighbors have had; the most popular kinks; and titillating information about sex with bosses, sex with billionaires, sex in boats, and sex in hot tubs.

We learned so much more than anyone needed to know about everyone's sex lives, so much more than we could fit into this issue—but not to worry! We've also included some of our favorite write-in answers to the questions "What's the sexiest thing you did in the last year?" and "What's one thing you want to accomplish sexually before you die?" We hope the results surprise and inspire you, and that whatever you do after you read this issue, you use a lot of lube.

And please, if you see poor Jay Inslee on the ferry, tell him he has nice eyes or something.

Straight women, straight men, and lesbians all agreed: They would kill Zac Efron as Ted Bundy, fuck Rami Malek as Freddie Mercury, and marry Taron Egerton as Elton John. However, gay men saw things differently. According to the data, gay men would fuck Zac Efron and kill Rami Malek.

Only 30 percent of respondents said they’d had an orgy—which we defined as “more than 3 people.” But the biggest share of respondents were straight women. Among gay men, 64% said they’d had an orgy. The straight folks who’d been in orgies said it was less fun than they expected, and the gay guys who’d been in orgies said it was more fun than they expected.

Of all the people who completed our anonymous survey, roughly half admitted to having cheated on a partner. Of those cheaters, 57 percent are women and 36 percent are men—which is somewhat surprising, because the stereotype is that it’s men who can’t keep their pants on.

On the question “The people I have sex with I usually meet through…,” straight women said Tinder (27 percent), OkCupid (26 percent), and Bumble (14 percent) were the apps where they most often found sex partners. However, “going to bars” (47 percent) and “work” (44 percent) were more common answers for straight women. (Respondents could choose multiple avenues of meeting people.) Straight men said roughly the same thing as straight women, except slightly more of them used OkCupid (28 percent) than Tinder (26 percent). For gay men, it was a different story. A whopping 56 percent of gay men said Grindr was where they met sexual partners, and 50 percent said Scruff—more popular than “going to bars” (46 percent) or “work” (only 12 percent). Bizarrely, for lesbians, “work” (45 percent) was the most popular answer—followed by “going to bars” (42 percent), Tinder (28 percent), and OkCupid (26 percent).

One in 10 people who took our survey said they’ve received money, gifts, or drugs in exchange for sex work. Of those, 58 percent said they are cisgender women, 30 percent said they are cisgender men, and 12 percent said they are trans or nonbinary. Of the people who told us they’ve paid for sex work, 83 percent are cisgender men (two-thirds of them straight, one-third of them gay).

We didn’t expect any of you filthy sex-survey respondents to say you’ve slept with billionaires—we were totally joking! But 119 respondents say they have had sex with a billionaire, two-thirds of them women. Forty percent of those women say they are currently under the age of 35. We forgot to ask how old respondents were when banging said billionaires.

of people say they’ve thought of someone else while having sex with their primary partner.

✅ "Booty-called a man after a formal event so he could tear off my cocktail dress."

✅ "Somehow my BF and I started talking about Sharpies, and then penetration with Sharpies. So I had a 24-pack shipped to his apartment via Amazon. Next visit, we got 22 of them in my pussy before they started self-ejecting! (It was difficult not to laugh!) Then he signed it. With a Sharpie. He still occasionally sends me pictures of the Sharpies sitting in a cup on his bedside table."

✅ "Made a porn film in the loft of a mountain cabin."

✅ "Stripped for someone twice my age."

✅ "Fucked my straight husband in the ass."

✅ "Fucked the captain of the sailboat I was sailing on up on the deck while everyone was asleep."

✅ "Masturbated to a picture of a young, hunky Jesus."

✅ "My partner dressed as Link from The Legend of Zelda so I could fuck a Hylian."

✅ "Got fucked over a balcony by four guys at International Mr. Leather."

✅ "Used one of my partners as a desk while I was in a call at work, and was edging them the entire time. They eventually came while I was using them but still held up my laptop in spite of it. They're a really good girl."

✅ "Little Red Riding Hood and Big Bad Wolf play in the park."

✅ "Fucked a guy in a Darth Vader helmet."

✅ "Tied a woman up to my kitchen ceiling beam."

✅ "IDK, made some homemade pelmeni. I am not a sexy person." [Aw, c'mon, that sounds hot! –Eds.]

✅ "Fucking on top of a sandbar on the ocean at night next to a bonfire. Titties covered in sand."

✅ "Fucked my boyfriend on acid. I came a million times."

✅ "Took my wife's fist past her wrist."

✅ "Flogged a guy until he said, 'Fuck yeah,' and then some."

✅ "Planned a threesome with a couple (I'm the unicorn), and beforehand we wrote out fantasies and then pulled them out of a hat and performed them."

✅ "Had bonkers, super-aggressive sex with my coworker."

✅ "Had an entire day devoted to sex and eating ribs naked."

✅ "Discovered a shared interest in piss play with my partner."

✅ "Gave a blowjob in the theater during Pet Sematary."

✅ "Fucked 20 guys in 30 minutes."

✅ "Had sex with a teacher from my daughter's school."

✅ "Fucked a hot boy who called me Daddy."

✅ "Girl-only orgy."

✅ "My boyfriend says 'existed.'" [That's a good boyfriend. –Eds.]

✅ "A butch nonbinary person wore full-body lacy lingerie for me underneath a very masculine outfit and surprised me with it. And then fucked me with a strap-on that's my favorite color (turquoise). Which made my bi lady brain explode with all the gender fuckery and magic."

✅ "Watched my wife get gangbanged by 15 men."

✅ "Had sex in the ass in a high-rise against the windows."

✅ "Cheerleader role-play."

✅ "Circle jerk with dudes wearing tuxedos in a bathroom at a fundraiser."

✅ "Guy's balcony in light, cool rain after dark on a warm evening, both naked while bats flew overhead, drinking cocktails we'd made from homegrown lemongrass syrup, basil, and vodka, indulging in languorous mutual oral. (How fucking good is life?!?!?)"

✅ "Won my wife back via sheer confidence."

✅ "Squirted all over the Airbnb bed... oops."

✅ "Went to a CumUnion party."

✅ "Wore thigh-high stockings and had my partner cut my clothes off me with scissors."

✅ "Went to a weeklong age-play campout."

✅ "Took a pervy new lover in his 20s (I'm in my 40s) and finally accepted my Hot Mommy-ness."

✅ "Started playing with forced feminization with my boyfriend. Seeing him acknowledge his desires head-on and supporting him was so, so sexy."

✅ "Threesome in Singapore with two Indian men from Australia. Yep, accents. Yep, uncut."

✅ "Discovered sex with a trans man!!!!! Hot af!!!!!"

✅ "Sex outside on a truffle farm in France with a view of the countryside."

✅ "Role-played as a TSA agent."

✅ "This survey."

"Sex in a boat."

"Sex in an elevator."

"Sex in a semi rig."

"Sex in a graveyard!"

"Sex on a pool table."

"Sex on the altar of a Catholic Church."

"Sex with a spreader bar."

"Sex with a 400 pound man."

"Sex with all my friends."

"Tie up a straight-boy ROTC cadet and drill him with increasingly larger dildos before I drill him myself."

"I want to be inside my partner's vagina with her on top while someone gently fucks her ass."

"Receive a blowjob in zero gravity."

"Being fondled and jerked off while I'm sound asleep. I want to know if it would affect my dreams. I also would like to do the same to another guy—with their advance permission, of course."

"Sex with an on-duty cop."

"Take 500+ loads in a Pride weekend."

"Sex in the Whistler Peak 2 Peak Gondola."

"It would be nice to fuck an uncut guy."

"Get really good at BDSM scenes with rope and all that."

"Be last in a line of 5+ guys to dump a load in my girlfriend. And clean it all up."

"Find what my actual stamina limit is in a fisting gang bang with 12 guys over a weekend."

"Watch my wife eat a cream pie."

"I want to have two big black cocks in my ass, one big black cock in my throat, and my cock deep-throated at the same time."

"Have sex with Mariska Hargitay."

"Get an OnlyFans account for my side hustle, and then pay off my student loans and buy a house with the income."

"I would like to have sex on the beach in broad daylight."

"I want to peg my husband. I would also enjoy having a threesome with him and another man, but he's not game for that yet."

"I want to fuck my wife's best friend."

"I want to be dp'd while dp'ing."

"CFNM."

"My main kink is tickling, and I'd like to go to the big all-male tickling gathering TKLFest at least once."

"Fuck a woman 60 or older."

"Fuck Kim Kardashian."

"Be with the one woman I've ever truly loved one more time."

"I want to fart while I'm sitting on my partner's face."

"Have sex in my fur suit."

"Receiving oral during a DJ performance."

"Soccer team bukakke."

"Have sex with a female karateka."

"Get fucked while riding a Pegasus."

"Attend HUMP! every year until I die."

"Orgasm! Never had one before."

"Threesome." [It may sound tame to the gay guys who work at The Stranger, but half of all straight men gave some version of this as their answer. —Eds.]

"Open marriage."

"Get fucked by a trans girl."

"Hold on longer than one minute."

"Double penetration with the guys dressed up as Deadpool and Spider-Man."

"To be with four lovely humans of the opposite sex, all different races, on a beach in the tropics, with unlimited MDMA, LSD, cannabis, gyros, fruits, and fine wine for three days."

"Be casually fucked in a crowded place without anyone noticing."

"Fertilize my partner to reproduce our genetic makeup."

"Still be having lots of sex at 100."

"See Trump impeached or in jail. I know it's not technically sexual, but it will make me happier than any orgasm."

"I am good, but I'd love to fuck a female president."