A word of warning: If someone sees you engaged in “lewd” conduct, you have broken the law. The Stranger does not condone illegal activity. Terra DeHart

Nature has many calls, and the call to congress can be no less urgent than the others. Normally the proper response to that call is to ask for the check and negotiate a proper venue. (My place, your place, the parking lot, etc.) But, due to the endless complexities of circumstance, sometimes the only neutral zone to bone is a good powder room.

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Obviously, the wisest option is to get a hotel room or go to a sex club, but if you have read this far, you probably don't care about the wisest option. You should know that if someone sees you engaged in "lewd" conduct, you have broken the law. The Stranger does not condone illegal activity. Nor do we condone unsanitary behavior. Nor do we condone taking a bunch of time in there and holding up the line for everyone else.

But if you are going to duck into a bathroom with your date no matter what we say, well, some Seattle bathrooms are better equipped than others. Qualities that make some commodes better for boning than others include good lighting, thrillingly bad lighting, premium mirror placement, some kind of furniture, distance from the rest of the venue's hubbub, and—most importantly, depending on where you fall along the exhibitionist spectrum—a good, strong lock.

Here's a little list of bathrooms around town that fit the bill, with apologies in advance to the owners and staff of these venues.


Roquette

This new French cocktail spot in Belltown is first and foremost a wonderfully managed bar with top notch staff, cozy 1920s hotel lounge energy, and a drink menu I would trust with my life. (Erik Hakkinen, a veteran barman who put in 10 years at Zig Zag Café, runs the place.)

Two unmarked bathrooms with strong locks are located down a hallway a good distance away from the bar. Glossy black tile runs along the bottom half of the wall, and elegant black-and-white wallpaper in a busy tropical flower pattern stretches up to the ceiling. A leather ottoman placed directly across from the mirror within reach of ADA-compliant "grab bars" offers plenty of possibilities for novices and advanced lovers alike.


La Dive

Floor-to-ceiling mirrors, a pretty mini-chandelier, deep-fuchsia lighting, and a good lock make this trendy new Capitol Hill bar a premium destination for people looking to get in a quickie. With its infinity mirror bathroom walls, La Dive is one of the few places on earth where patrons can see what it looks like to fuck in an endless number of dimensions all at once.

But, there are a couple of issues to consider. First, there is only one bathroom in the bar, so you'll have to make it fast. Second, the toilet itself is ugly, with toilet paper rolls unceremoniously plopped on top of the tank, so just try not to look at it—unless you're into that kind of thing. Finally, there is no furniture apart from the throne. However, the bathroom's cavernous interior provides plenty of room to play.

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Olympic Sculpture Park

Maybe Alexander Calder's Eagle makes you horny. Or maybe Mark di Suvero's Bunyon's Chess brings back fond memories of certain racks you've been strapped to. Whatever the case, if you're near the waterfront and you absolutely have to have sex with someone, there is a drafty but discreet and well fortified bathroom in the parking garage beneath the entrance. No frills, some chills, but most importantly—no code.

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