GO TO A STRIP CLUB: A super majority—62 percent of Seattle voters—think it’s okay for a straight guy to spend $20 to have a hottie grind her ass against his lap. The electorate shot down the mayor’s effort to play Taliban, so do your patriotic duty and head to one of Seattle’s strip clubs. (Rick’s, 11332 Lake City Way; Déjà Vu Showgirls, 1510 First Ave; The Sands, 7509 15th Ave NW). JOSH FEIT
BRING SANTA A HOT-PRESSED HAM: Stand on the sidewalk outside Santa’s Cottage at the downtown Nordstrom. Wait until Santa’s got some kid on his lap who’s too old to care or too young to realize. Drop your pants. Press your ass against the glass. Then run. Don’t ask me how I know this, but trust me, it’ll make Santa’s day. (Nordstrom, 500 Pine St, 628-2111.) DAN SAVAGE
GET A VASECTOMY: Thanksgiving is over: Mom is sniffling; Dad is drunk. Your sister’s being a sanctimonious pain in the ass and your brother—Christ, let’s not even talk about him. What better time to resolve to end the absurd carnival of suffering called the human race? Snip, snip. (The Vasectomy Clinic, 5402 47th Ave NE, 525-4090.) BRENDAN KILEY
GET YOUR GAY ON: The city’s most homo-rific dance nights—Comeback for boys on Friday and LICK for ladies on Saturday—fall on Thanksgiving weekend this year. So when the urge to punch your homophobic aunt becomes overwhelming, opt for hitting the dance floor at Chop Suey, where both nights take place, and where you’ll be surrounded by a crowd of like-minded, lascivious queers. (Chop Suey, 1325 E Madison St, 324-8000.) HANNAH LEVIN
GET AN ABORTION: Admit it: Being around your dysfunctional disaster of a family makes you question the wisdom of ever having kids. Enter Aradia Women’s Health Clinic, which offers birth control, emergency contraception, and abortion services. (Aradia Women’s Health Clinic, 1300 Spring St, Suite 500, 323-9388.) ERICA C. BARNETT
GO SEE CANNIBAL CORPSE: Cannibal Corpse are responsible for some of the best record covers in metal. My favorite is a painting of a woman, naked and reclining into a vulva. She is being eaten, in all of the most intimate places, by squiggly green worms. Bring Mom! (Fri Nov 24 at El Corazón, 109 Eastlake Ave E., 7 pm, $17/$20, all ages.) ARI SPOOL
GO TO A GUN RANGE: Nothing soothes a frazzled spirit like the kick of a rented .44. For extra fun, pop by your neighborhood Kinko’s and enlarge some photos of your most infuriating relatives, then pump your custom targets full of lead. (Wade’s Eastside Gun Range, 13570 Bel-Red Rd, Bellevue, 425-649-8560.) DAVID SCHMADER
GO GAMBLING: Odds are there’s a casino open right now within 15 miles of you. Consider inviting Grandma—she probably owns her own daubers. (Best bets, north to south: Tulalip Casino, Tulalip, www.tulalipcasino.com; Club Hollywood Casino, North Seattle, 546-4444; Muckleshoot Casino, Auburn, muckleshootcasino.com; Emerald Queen Casino, Tacoma, www.emeraldqueen.com.) AMY KATE HORN
GO SEE ‘BORAT’: Borat brings bags of poop to the dinner table. Borat keeps his retarded brother in a cage. Borat’s sister is the number-four prostitute in all of Kazakhstan—and while she may not publicize her family values, she does offer a glorious family discount! You’ve probably seen Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan already, but you probably need to see it again this weekend. (Metro, 4500 Ninth Ave NE, 781-5755. Call theater for showtimes.) ANNIE WAGNER
DINA MARTINA’S CHRISTMAS SHOW: The woman is like drugs: She takes something familiar (Christmas) and titty-twists it until it becomes a terrifying, jaw-dropping, infinitely entertaining spectacle. There’s no better way to beat holiday hyperglycemia than letting the psycho-drag superstar stick her finger in your figgy pudding. (Re-bar, 1114 Howell St, 233-9873.) BRENDAN KILEY
ABDUCT A CHILD: Everybody knows the day after Thanksgiving is the “biggest shopping day of the year!” What’s less known is that it’s also the easiest day to abduct a child. So if you regret that vasectomy or birth-control implant, head to your favorite full-to-bursting mall and abduct a child of your very own. I recommend Southcenter, where you can take your pick of yung’uns wandering around with their overwhelmed and underattentive parents. All the fun of parenthood, none of the pain of childbirth or expense of adoption. (Southcenter Mall, 633 Southcenter Mall, Tukwila, 246-7400.) DAVID SCHMADER