Awww look, you guys! How cute! The conservatives tried to make a
comedy! They put, like, little jokes in there and everything.
Hey—there’s Chris Farley’s brother, Dennis Farley or whatever! It
is so good to know that guy’s not homeless. I was worried. I
mean, what is on Steve-Farley-or-whatever’s
résumé? Besides “Skills: fat face slightly reminiscent
of actual funny person (deceased), tap, ballet, clarinet, cockney
accent”? Well move over, that stuff! Chadwick von Farley is in a new
movie called An American Carol and, fortunately for his
fledgling-at-age-65 “career,” almost nobody is going to see it.
Farley plays Michael Malone, a fat, liberal, Oscar-winning
documentarian. He’s a modern-day Scrooge, but he doesn’t hate
Christmas—he hates America. Malone is just like Michael
Moore, the fat, liberal, Oscar-winning documentarian that An
American Carol devotes a telling amount of energy to lampooning.
When not out accepting the “Leni Riefenstahl Award” for his latest
movie, Die You American Pigs!, or “[rushing] to Columbia
University to lead a demonstration against the troops,” or eating a
piece of pizza with a mouse crawling on it (uh, yep), Malone is
campaigning to abolish the 4th of July. Ahhh yes. Some day, we the
liberal Jew-run media will achieve our ultimate goal. YOU PATRIOTIC
AMERICANS HAVE BEEN EATING CORN ON THE COB WHILST DRUNK UNCLES
INADVERTENTLY IGNITE THEIR DOCKERS FAR TOO LONG. Hold on—I have
to go rub my hands together and leer.
It is almost impossible to sarcastically choose my favorite part of
An American Carol. Is it the running gag about bumbling
suicide bombers (wocka wocka, I can’t believe I accidentally blew
up my boss’s car!… oh, and… also myself… ow, I am on fire)? The
magical trip to a happy, slave-owning Alabama, where Malone discovers
what would have happened had Abraham Lincoln been a liberal, antiwar
pussy (Gary Coleman: “Don’t you worry, Massa Malone! We got dem bacon
stains out de upholstery!”)? Or perhaps it was the magical visit from
General Patton (Kelsey Grammer), who teaches Malone about the
indoctrinatin’ university system (“You get extra credit if you’re poor,
black, or gay”) and eventually begins indiscriminately shooting ACLU
lawyers and bearded men carrying backpacks (“Enjoy your privacy
rights in hell!”). I was also impressed by the frequent assertions that
liberals don’t give a crap about 9/11 and by the weeping ghosts of
servicemen throughout the ages accompanied by the toot-toot-tooting of
a patriotic fife.
Conservatives: You guys know you’re full of shit, right? You
are terrible, terrible people. If you have any questions, I’ll be over
here reading a book (the kind with facts inside) and, I don’t know,
caring about other humans. Actually being funny. Christ, it’s like you
want me to be elitist. 
Oh, Republicans. Or conservatives. Or…whatever. “The right.” Wocka, wocka, wocka!
Hey, did you notice how the ‘credits order’ were alphabetical? That means the only semi-somewhat big-name actors/actresses they had were so Hollyginal [sic] that they actually had to conceal them by way of “fair and balanced” order to avoid a laughable scroll. I don’t know if it’s ironic or unfortunate that they didn’t realize this could have been the punch-line (or at least the funniest thing) about the movie.
I didn’t see it…probably never will, but I did buy a ticket a few hours ago @ Lincoln Square. It was the least I could do. I may not share their opinions, but I’m happy to see another right-wing movie with a decent budget in theaters. If it weren’t for the fuckhead humor, which I avoid regardless of topics or political preference(s) (or anything, for that matter), I’d watch it. But alas, I’m not retarded, so $11 was the price for hope. Hope: as in hopefully they will make something worth my time again, like Rules of Engagement, which was awesome. It would be nice to see some more movies like that, minus war and…war and…God is that all they can come up with for a story? I guess it is. Nobody wants to watch a movie with characters complaining about taxes. And nobody, I mean NOBODY, wants to see something like Fireproof again. Vomit.
Word.
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT cheated so hard. “Ah, but here’s what you *didn’t* see, you misguided Arab sympathizers! All those women had guns! Now aren’t you sorry you doubted the troops?”
The women didn’t have guns. The men did. Way to be one of the “misguided Arab sympathizers.” Idiot.
I thought Kelsey Grammer died.
Kelsey Grammer *did* die.
Dammit Lindy, I almost choked to death on my coffee while reading this. I almost died because of you!
To Mr. Poe – I saw the film long ago and so I misremembered a detail, but my criticism still stands (critical information withheld from the viewer) and I didn’t insult you in making it. I’m done with you now.
lol @ conservatives being ‘terrible people’. The entire group.
All the nuance of Hitler or Lester Maddox……or dare I say, American Carol.
The film review equivilant of Madonna squealing about snowmobile engines. Read Camille Paglia on Palin, throw in Team America and remove that ginormous bug from your arse.
I hate pretentious assholes who type “arse” when they mean “ass,” apparently under the false assumption it makes them seem more worldly.
@ Vinylsaurus
Saying that Rules of Engagement “cheated so hard” because of a vital plot point that you didn’t even remember correctly is pretty ignorant when you consider that you’re basically saying it could never happen. Not all movies are here to serve your political agenda, and they aren’t all here to tell you a story with a message for the greater good for our current world dilemmas. Sometimes–and these are the best ones–they’re just here to tell us a story. It didn’t “cheat,” you simply didn’t like it. You were too busy mirroring the National Security Advisor and Tommy Lee’s son. What was the movie supposed to do? End with a shot of all the actors talking to the audience about how the events weren’t probable? Throw up some statistics and historic examples? Maybe a directors note in the DVD? No. No. And no.
If you’d like to be spoon-fed some nice warm cud, there’s plenty of liberal shit in Hollywood to tour. Let them have their good movies, and of course, let them have their bad.
I called you an idiot because you sound like one.