I sort of loved the Oscars this year. They were as boring as ever (possibly boringer), but they were also weirder than ever, and—as a friend pointed out afterward—being our first Obama-era Oscars, they felt more casual, more politically liberated, than anything you usually see on prime time. Famous people talked about things that I care about in the same frank, honest way that my friends and I talk about them. Equal rights for everyone. Duh. Gay marriage. Of course. They showed more than one gay kiss. Bill Maher plugged atheism—on ABC, not HBO. Hugh Jackman said "pubic hair"!
But the most lovable thing about the Oscars is how easy they are to make fun of. Celebrities paint themselves orange and strap live birds to their hair and try to pretend that they have the emotions and facial mobility of normal people. It is amazing to watch. I now present to you my addendum, the Making Fun of the Academy Awards Awards:
The "Isn't It Kind of Rude to Repeatedly Bring Up That Time When Your Friend Had a Decades-Long Career-Ending Meltdown and Wound Up an Orange, Scarred Wreck Who Creeps Out Dogs, Women, Children, and Most Men?" Award
Goes to: everyone at that fucking thing. Seriously, every two seconds it was "Mickey Rourke's fucked-up face" this and "you look like a zombie potato in a wig" that. You guys. Maybe dude doesn't want to talk about it right now.
The "Thank You, Sean Penn, and I'm Not Even Weirded Out Anymore About That Time You Maybe Punched Madonna" Award
Goes to: Sean Penn. For this: "I think that it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect and anticipate their great shame and the shame in their grandchildren's eyes."
The "Everything I Need to Know About Filmmaking I Learned from Professor McGonagall" Award
Goes to: all y'all. Why so much talk of magic? Everything was "wizards" and "magicians" and "magic" and "wizardry." Everyone just wanted to thank the wizards. Seriously, you guys? You're saying that a wizard made that movie? Not, I don't know, your lifelong hard work and dedication to your craft?! No. It was a wizard. See you after Transfiguration, nerdz.
The "Got Distracted by Looking for Celebrity Penises on the Internet and Missed Half of the People-Who-Died-This-Year Montage" Award
Goes to: me. Oops.
The "Celebrity Penis Realization of the Night" Award
Goes to: They look just like normal human penises. Except more orange.