If you’re a fan of Will Arnett, Tracy Morgan, or Zach Galifianakis, be prepared for disappointment: They aren’t funny in G-Force. Their boisterous personae are all obscured by gobs of Disney Channel Spackle—that plasticizing Tinkerbell-churned formula that murders any shred of risk or invention while ensuring predictable opening-weekend returns. And judging by the tepid reaction from the kids in the theater, it seems they got less than they expected.

It’s a movie about a secret Homeland Security–funded group of three guinea pigs and a mole named Speckles (a shamelessly nerdy Nicolas Cage). They were trained by a brilliant scientist (Galifianakis) “to do in one night what it would take the CIA two years to do.” Namely: foiling a corporate evildoer’s plan to transform all the appliances in the world into an army of Terminator coffee machines. The G-Force has cute little infrared goggles, mini grappling hooks, and a “pimped-out” hamster-ball ATV, but when they’re mistakenly caged up in a pet store, it’s up to their wits and their “strength as a family” to save the world.

You’d think megaproducer Jerry “the Blockbusting” Bruckheimer would have ordered some more set pieces to blow up or okayed a less painfully benign script for his first 3-D movie spectacular. Instead, he wastes a crew of talented actors, teases with infrequent action, and insults with dull, safe humor. Don’t worry, aspiring filmmakers: The talking-guinea-pigs-that-fight-crime market is still wide open.