Bound and at least three-quarters of the original Matrix aside, the Wachowski brothers have shown a distressing tendency to take should-be-surefire geek concepts and boil the fun right out of them. The Wachowski-produced Ninja Assassin (directed by their V for Vendetta cohort James McTeigue) continues this trend, sadly. By all rights, this heavily R-rated homage to '80s nunchuck cinema should be, like, The Coolest Thing Ever, but it falls curiously flat. Once you get past the novelty of watching various body parts slide off in a blurt of CGI blood—which, granted, may take a good 30 to 45 minutes—the film just stands there, flexing. Call me crazy, but a movie that features ninjas flipping out and killing people on the autobahn should be more fun.

The plot, cowritten by Fanboy High Father J. Michael Straczynski, follows a reformed Shadow Warrior (Korean pop icon Rain) tasked to protect an Interpol researcher (Naomie Harris, slumming) from a ticked-off gaggle of his former comrades, led by drive-in chop-socky icon Shô Kosugi. The flashbacks almost outnumber the throwing stars.

The hallmarks of the Wachowski style—overly dark environments, blocks of expository blathering posing as dialogue, variable-speed money shots, designer sunglasses—are in full effect, amplified by the lead performer's hesitancy with any scene that doesn't involve kicking dudes in the face. Even more off-putting, though, is an extreme case of the numbness that bedevils so many action movies lately: namely the sense that everything even remotely visceral—blood spatter, weapons, high kicks—was crafted in the sterile confines of a computer. Back in the cheesy pre-Mac kung fu days, the viewer could happily gawk at highly trained people performing at the edge of their abilities, even when you could spot the wires. Here, though, it's just a bunch of really expensive Colorforms, boringly posed. Bruce Lee would plotz.