There was no press screening of Kevin James's new movie, Zookeeper, in time for print. So, instead, I interviewed this fart.

Hello, fart! Nice to meet you!

Brrrrrrrrrrrfffff.

Oh stop! Likewise. Really. No, please. Call me Lindy.

Frp. Frrrp.

No... I'm single. You're really forward, aren't you? But please, fart, I'm a professional! Really. We need to get down to business. You saw Zookeeper, correct? Are you a big Kevin James fan?

Sssssssssssssssssssss.

You are his number one fan?

BRAP!

So you must have really enjoyed this movie, then.

Pffffnnneeeeah...

Not so much? Why? But what about the part when the wisecracking gorilla really, really wants to go to TGI Friday's®? You didn't find that unspeakably hilarious?

Ppp.

Thinking about TGI Friday's® is painful for you? But why, fart? Why?

Puuuhhhhhhhhhh.

Oh, that's where you were born? From a double order of Friday's® Tostado Nachos and three Mudslide Martinis?

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Please don't cry. I'm sure you'll be able to go home... someday. I know it. But let's get back to the movie. Do you ever think that keeping wild animals confined in zoos is a bit of an exploitative, dated practice—a remnant of an earlier time? And that forcing them to speak English, do the Macarena, eat Friday's® Tostado Nachos, and hang out with Kevin James for our amusement crosses the line into barbarism?

BRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP!!!!!!!

Me, too, fart! Wow, I had no idea you were so invested in animal rights. I know we've known each other for only a few minutes, but—I really feel like you get me. You know?

Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So... what are you doing later? Do you have plans, or...?

KA-BOIINNGGGGGG!!!!!!!