Well boy oh boy, if it isn't my oooooooold friend the new Conan the Barbarian remake—starring, in the title role, the tall drink of fermented mare's milk that impregnated Lisa Bonet (TWO TIMEZ). Unfortunately, due to cost overruns in Jason Momoa's eyeliner budget, the film screens too late for our print edition (fie!), but that's probably for the best, because I can tell that you guys are hella unprepared for this shit. You're all, "What's a Conehead the Librarian!?!? Hurrrrr, I'm confused! Who's that one guy? What's best in life? Um, is it fleeing from one's enemies like a baby and then falling down a hill onto a spike? Berpa derpa doo, why are my pants so wet!?" That's you. That's my impression of you.

But don't worry, dum-dums. Because I have been doing some serious research, and I think I've got the super-complex Conan mythology all figured out. It wasn't easy. In phase one of my Conan cramming—or I suppose we could call it CROMMING because of puns!!!—I attempted to watch the original Conan the Barbarian, starring noted trapezoid and maid-putter-inner Arnold Schwarzenegger. Emphasis on attempt because OH MY GOD ZZZZZZZZZZ.

Fun fact: Did you know that the original Conan the Barbarian—also starring noted Bettie-Page-wig-stand James Earl Jones—is more boring than a Ken Burns documentary about Bettie Page's actual wig stand? It is more boring than listening to a boiled potato cool. It is more boring than a hacky sack on jury duty. It's more boring than trying to use the Wheel of Pain to torture a guy whose two favorite things are wheels and pain. IT IS SOOOOOOOO BORING, YOU GUYS, and if it's your favorite movie then you are a Styrofoam packing peanut with terrible taste (nice work becoming sentient though, bro!). I made it almost all the way through, but then I had to go because my neighbor asked me to keep an ear on his pet boiled potato. Priorities.

Luckily, backup plan! The second phase of my research, after I woke up in the 23rd century (because ZZZZZZZZZZZ), was to consult His High Holiness Wikipedia (fun fact: Wikipedia gets elected God in the year 2114). Here is what I learned: Conan the Barbarian's mom was a man in a hat named Robert E. Howard. His dad was also that same man named Robert E. Howard, because Conan the Barbarian is made-up and not real (this movie is not a historical document!). After birthing Conan the Barbarian in the year 1932, Robert E. Howard almost immediately committed suicide with a gun (not a sword, as might have been expected). It was very sad.

Then Conan the Barbarian killed a bunch of dudes with a sword and ran around saying "Crom" a lot (see pun, above). That's pretty much all you need to know. The sword thing and the Crom thing. This concludes my research. Wake me up when Boiled Potato: The Movie comes out. (It's a silent film.) recommended