Harry Knowles at Ain't It Cool News is famous for his poorly written film reviews. (Maybe his best-known terrible review is the one that compared Blade 2 to cunnilingus, but my personal favorite is the one where he fell asleep during Inception and blamed Christopher Nolan for his naps.) But his review of Jack Reacher, the new Tom Cruise movie, is a high-water mark of terribleness, even for Knowles. Here is the honest-to-God first line. I am not making this up:

I’ve seen JACK REACHER for about a month now.

I think he means he saw the movie a month ago. That paragraph continues:

Why should you give two shits about this film? Well, it is based on a series of books by Lee Child that has huge fans. Reacher is essentially the most badass Military Detective that there ever was. He found problems. That life is in the rearview and now he wanders the earth like Kane from Kung Fu having adventures. Now, there’s no Eastern philosophy.

It just goes on like this. Or, as Knowles puts it, "Things occur." Some highlights:

In fact if you watch Cruise’s Jack Reacher… efficient & precise describe his actions, dialogue and line of thought. Shortest distances. He keeps things explosive, even if they’re barbs of the verbal side.

You should not be surprised.

JACK REACHER is an old school man with internally created way of life...Living day by day the way he lives.

Now I know, I’ve brought up THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES so I assume you have to want to know, what’s better? Well, OUTLAW JOSEY WALES. Duh.

This film is called JACK REACHER and after you see it, you’ll know the name and what it stands for.

This...this is a review for the ages. And I think it's exactly the review that Jack Reacher deserves.