The new Robin Hood, starring Taron Egerton, is very, very bad. It is meant to be an of-the-times modernized update of a familiar story—Egerton goes by “Rob”—but feels like a movie for teens made by someone who dislikes teens and thinks they are idiots. It is a dumb and incoherent movie that provokes unintended giggling. It is not the kind of thing you’ll want to spend a lot of money on.

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Here are some things that happen in the new Robin Hood:

• Jamie Foxx plays a Saracen named something unpronounceably Arabic so everyone just calls him “John.” “John” meets “Rob” during the Crusades and follows him home to England, where he tells Rob exactly what to do, how to dress, how to shoot arrows, how to steal, and who to steal from. This means Robin Hood never needs to make any decisions of his own, leading you to wonder if “John” is a figment of Rob’s imagination—perhaps a PTSD-generated devil on his shoulder dictating his every move. This movie is not creative enough for any of this to actually be the case, but it’s fun to pretend that it is.

• Bono’s daughter plays Maid Marian, and she’s also a thief! In the first scene, Bono’s daughter tries to steal one of Rob’s many horses (he’s rich) but soon falls for his dreamy eyes and sexy teen-cutting-class attitude. (Also, he’s rich. She doesn’t mind that.) Rob goes off to the Crusades and is presumed dead, so Bono’s daughter takes up with a Bernie Bro played by Jamie Dornan, a wormily sensitive guy so obviously awful that I think we’re supposed to hiss whenever he’s on-screen. Bono’s daughter, whose name is Eve Hewson, is actually a pretty good actor, and deserves better than this. I wish her well.

• This particular version of Nottingham has a gigantic, flame-bellowing, postapocalyptic mine that also seems to be an ironworks, because I don’t think the makers of the movie know what a mine is, exactly, but at least it allows for an action scene where a huge vat of CGI liquid metal gets spilled near Rob and his friends for no reason and poses no real threat to anyone.

• There is no Sherwood Forest, and no one wears Lincoln green. Lincoln green is for sissies.

• Ben Mendelsohn plays the Sheriff of Nottingham, an all-powerful position that’s possibly appointed by the Vatican, maybe? The Sheriff, of course, takes all the money from the poor mine workers, but you wonder why he doesn’t just take over the actual mine and get his precious coins directly from the source. (About 15 minutes from the end of the movie, he figures it out.) Mendelsohn, a good actor, knows this is a bad movie and leans into it—he doesn’t save this thing by any stretch, but he doesn’t actively make it worse.

• When a cardinal from Rome comes to Nottingham, the city decides to celebrate by throwing, for some reason, an orgy with lots of gambling and alcohol. It looks like a Baz Luhrmann fever dream mixed with The Fifth Element by way of The Shannara Chronicles, but much worse than that sounds. The cardinal is played by F. Murray Abraham, and he does what Mendelsohn’s doing, only times a thousand. It is an insane and delirious performance, and I kind of loved it.

• Jamie Foxx’s character loses his hand early on—a Crusades mishap, ouch—so when he gets to Nottingham, he goes to the ironworks and forges himself a hoof! For the rest of the movie, one of Jamie Foxx’s hands is a metal hoof. I am not joking about this.

• Taron Egerton is a delightfully charming young man who has been delightfully charming in a few things, namely the first Kingsmen movie. He’s awful in this, and I now like him less as a result. I’m bummed about this.

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• Robin Hood steals maybe two tiny things before embarking on the grand heist that makes up the last part of the movie. This is an embarrassment. This thing should have been two solid hours of Robin Hood sneaking around and sneakily shooting arrows from the shadows and sneakily lifting bags of gold from under sleeping rich jerks’ noses.

The movie is not unpleasant. But it is very, very, very dumb. It’s so dumb that it will be a good 20 or so years before anyone dares to make a Robin Hood movie again, which really sucks, because the Robin Hood story is legitimately awesome and hasn’t been turned into a good movie since 1938 and its story of the poor rising up against a bunch of corrupt rich assholes feels, I dunno, super relevant in the year 2018, but now we’ll have to wait a really long time for anyone to feel anything other than mild annoyance at the very idea of a Robin Hood movie, so enjoy those superheroes, I guess. recommended

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