Last week, Seattleâs Captain Kim was eliminated from the competition for Joan Vassosâs heart (or at least 80% of it) on The Golden Bachelorette, and I have to say, I missed his antics this week. Men Tell All canât come soon enough!
Iâm writing this from Palm Springs, a thematically appropriate location for the Bachelor franchise, which loves to fly people from LA to the Coachella Valley on private jets (see: facing your fear of heights, covered last week). Also, among Vassosâs contestants this season is retired finance executive Gary, 65, from Palm Desert. Topical!
So grab a drink and a pool floatie! Itâs time for some Eli Lilly ads and men trying to impress a woman with stories about their divorces!
Itâs week four, and Joan is struggling with the central tension of this show, which is that it forces people to do polyamory who wouldnât under any other circumstances. Falling in love with more than one person is âlike a kid thing,â says Joan dismissively, and I am concerned about how sheâs going to survive the rest of the season.
At the mansion, Pascal, a 69-year-old man, is finally learning to do his own laundry (now that Gregg is gone, he has to). Girl dad Keith is hoping to get a one-on-one date with Joan. So are ER doctor Guy and insurance executive Chock.
The date card arrives, and only Guy gets what he wants. He and senior sales executive Jordan are getting one-on-ones. Everybody else is going on a group date to the Avalon nightclub, where Joan greets them wearing a truly terrible short-sleeved (!) leather jacket (!!) which makes me thinkânot for the first timeâthat Bachelor franchise stylist Cary Fetman should be fired. Former Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe is there, too, as are a bunch of Chippendales, because the men are going to put on a striptease performance for a cancer charity.
âHoly cow, Iâm not ready for this!â says Gary when he hears this news, and honestly, neither am I. Chock wants three chardonnays to dispel his pre-show jitters. Shipping consultant Jonathan has a stripper persona named âSergeant Sexy.â âI hope they throw money,â says Keith. âIâm keeping it!â
After learning to body-roll, the men commit to the compulsory nudity of it all, dancing gamely if inexpertly to Lady Gaga. Jonathan, who loves not wearing a shirt and is the only one with any real stage presence, is placed in the front line for the opening number. âIâm doing my little butt thing,â says Gary. Chock, who looks more and more like a game show host every time I see him (I think itâs the hair), says, âItâs all about funâ and âLadies like the tush.â
At the after-party, Chock gets the group date rose. And then, abruptly, something is very wrong: Chock is crying because he just found out his mother has died of cancer, and he obviously has to rush home. Joan, who left her own season of The Golden Bachelor after a family emergency, is understanding and supportive, although sad that a man she actually likes is leaving. âHeâs a really nice human being,â says Keith, getting teary. Keith!
Despite the life-and-death situation Chock is facing, this show canât be serious for more than five minutes, even when itâs the right thing to do, so now Joan has to go on a date with Jordan. Jordan is nervous for his one-on-one, and Iâm gonna be honest: I had forgotten who he was.
Joan and Jordan go ice skating, and Jordan falls. Joan laughs, then feels bad for laughing. She says heâs happy to see Jordanâs âsilly side,â which is kind of a mean thing to say about someone who isnât trying to be funny at all but just isnât very good at what theyâre doing.
They drink hot chocolate and champagne until theyâre surprised with a private concert. I would consider this to be a kind of hell, but the Bachelor franchise loves getting some not-very-famous country act to sing a song for exactly two people, so that the lead has to keep a straight face as they say something like âDylan Patchwork is an amazing musician. I was so happy to hear him play âLeave Room for Jesus.ââ
Anyway, somehow this private concert is a band Iâve heard of: REO Speedwagon! They play âI Canât Fight This Feelingâ as Joan and Jordan dance on the ice on what look like Yaktrax. The couple that trax together yaks together! I get paid to write these.
Jordan tells Joan heâll have bruises from falling down for just a few weeks, âbut Iâll remember this for the rest of my life,â and because Joan is all about Vulnerability and Opening Up, Jordan gets the rose. Fake snow falls from the ceiling like itâs The Nutcracker, and I find myself feeling sad thereâs never been a ballet date on this show.
At the mansion ahead of his date with Joan, Guy is having a pensive moment while Joan has her own pensive moment at Sun House Malibu, which you can rent on Airbnb. Giuliana is a SuperHost!
âIâve become smitten with her,â he says (Joan, not Giuliana), and wow, I did not know Guy was living in a romance novel, although he is a handsome ER doctor, so I shouldnât be.
At Sun House Malibu (6 bedrooms! 5.5 baths!), Joan and Guy make lemon baked ziti, which sounds terrible, and Guy is having a hard time zesting a lemon. Joan finds this curious, because Guy is an ER doctor, so I guess Joan has never met someone who is competent at work but not in the kitchen. Not that I know anyone like that either!
They bond over forcing their families to eat dinner without the TV on, and Guy says the ziti âis definitely not Chef Boyardee.â They also make cupcakes, or at least decorate them, and Guy licks frosting off of Joanâs mouth, which I feel like is none of my business and I shouldnât be seeing it happen.
I hope the ziti tastes good, because it doesnât photograph very well. Guy says he and his ex-wife didnât have open and honest communication, and Joan is charmed by his transparency. Guy gets the rose! âMy brain is secreting so many endorphins⌠Dopamine surge!â says Guy.
Back at Sun House Malibu (free parking on the premises!), Joan is walking slowly beside the pool against a backdrop of mist. âIf Chock doesnât return, he will always be a question,â says Joan. Donât worry, Joan. I think an answer is coming.
At the cocktail party, Joan says she called home, and her mom, who was also sick recently, is doing better. The men are away from their families, says Joan, âand I am so, so appreciativeâ of this sacrifice. For what seems like the millionth time, they toast to finding love.
But you know who isnât being all that supportive? Pascal, who, despite being adaptable enough to learn how to do his laundry after all (tres bien fait!), has been acting uninterested in Joan, because he likes to be the center of attention and struggles in group environments, which is normal but a bad quality to have if youâre on reality TV. Joan reads this as an âair of indifference which I think is a little bit French.â But I think itâs actually just a little bit rude. As usual, Joan is interpreting obnoxious behavior in the most generous way possible, and I have concerns!
But the worst is yet to come because Jonathanâs time with Joan isâand I cannot stress this enoughâCheerios product placement! He and Joan eat heart-healthy⢠Cheerios out of heart-shaped bowls with a cereal box prominently displayed for the cameras, and this is maybe one of the top five dumbest things Iâve ever seen on this show, which includes the fight over whether itching is âlow-level painâ that unfolded on season eight of Bachelor in Paradise.
âTonight is SO special,â says Joan, and it is for Cheerios, but it isnât for girl dad Keith, who is struggling to connect with Joan on a romantic level, so I guess he hasnât figured out that most leads are only interested in a few people and just kinda fake it with everyone else. Did you know reality TV⌠isnât real?
And wow, that was fast: Chock is back! He says âitâs been a crazy week,â which is a gross understatement, that he got home the night his mother died and âthere was no way I was not coming back,â so I hope Joan really likes him because she definitely has to pick him now. Iâm sorry I made fun of your name two weeks ago, Chock. I hope you and Joan are very happy together.
Things arenât looking so good for the other Mansion Men, because itâs rose ceremony time! Joan says the men started out as strangers, but now sheâs standing in front of â11 people who are part of my life nowâ even though they wonât be for long. As the tense instrumentals begin, Joan rewards Pascalâs rudeness with the first rose, followed by roses for Jonathan, Mark, and Keith.
That may be good news for Joan, who will no longer have to pretend to be romantically interested in as many men she considers Just Good Friends (except for Keith), but itâs devastating for the rest of us because it means weâre saying good-bye to one of the real stars of this season, Charles L., whose emotional journey has beenâIâm sorry to say itâmuch more interesting than Joanâs. I was sure theyâd keep Charles on for at least another week just because heâs good TV, but I canât wait to see what he gets up to at Men Tell All. Gil is also leaving, which is probably for the best given what comes up when you google his name, and so is rosy-faced private investor Dan. âDan, goodbye!â say the men plaintively as he leaves. âLove you, man!â
In his exit interview, Dan is sad because he lives alone and heâs really enjoyed living with the Mansion Men. Men! They need friends! Our Palm Desert pal Gary is also on his way out, taking his cool glasses, handwritten prayers, and positive attitude with him.
As for Charles L., he puts into words what Iâm always saying about this show, which has a terrible success rate if youâre counting lasting marriages but produces many enduring pairs of BFFs. The real final rose is the friends we made along the way!
âThe remaining friends, we bonded together,â says Charles. He considers them âall gorgeous people.â Mark gets to come outside the mansion to say goodbye to Charles, which isnât usually allowed, but has been happening an awful lot this season, and I think it should become a regular thing. âItâs a different form of love,â says Charles. âI did find it.â
Captain Kim Sightings: 0
This weekâs rating, out of 10 anchor emojis: ââââââ (for the Charles L. content alone)