With each new episode of this show, we lose yet another entertaining character: Captain Kim, Charles L., Gary with the cool glasses, snoring Gregg, and fretter/overthinker Girl Dad Keith. That means weâre left with a rather beige set of men for this weekâs hometowns, and so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Itâs week six! Letâs meet some girl dads and their daughters in between ads for the Good Feet Store, SHAG Senior Living, and Disney on Ice!
Joan is flying out of LAX (did we need these exterior shots? did we not already know LAX is ugly?) to visit Guy, Pascal, Jordan, and Chock in their natural habitats: Lake Tahoe, Chicago, also Chicago, and Kansas. âHometowns look different for our age,â says Joan, and the ones in this episode are, but not in the way she means. Because one is a memorial service. Weâll get to it.
First stop: Lake Tahoe, where Guy lives. Joan says, âI donât think Iâm at the love place yet because Iâm very protective of my heart,â which is a savage thing to say when youâre supposed to pick a person to marry in two weeks, but given the recent restraining order news about Guy, perhaps itâs for the best. Joan and Guy go on a motorboat, and Guy says Joan makes him feel âaccepted, validated, and desired,â and sometimes I think Joan just listens a lot and doesnât talk about herself much and the men on this show interpret it as her being in love with them. Oops! âI need to guard my heart,â says Guy. Perhaps more than you know!
Guy lets Joan steer the boat, unlike Pascal the driving chauvinist, then shares a legend of Lake Tahoe: You can make a wish on it. Iâve never been to Lake Tahoe, so I donât know if this is true. If itâs not, donât tell me! Guy wishes to make âincredible memoriesâ with Joan, and Joan wishes to find someone to spend her golden years with. She does not specify that it should be Guy.
She brings up John again, because things she didnât do with John remind her of John, and says she has feelings for the four people left, and feels guilty about this because they arenât John. I am once again wondering if Joan should have taken some time off between losing her husband of many years and having to pretend to like four TV-handsome men at once. She couldâve gone to therapy and bought some nice Eileen Fisher cardigans, and spent time with her family and learned a new hobby, like watercolors or pottery, and maybe gone on one of those group trips to Italy and bought an ancient villa to renovate and returned to the dating pool only when she was truly ready, or when a handsome man came to a party she was throwing for her new Italian neighbors.
But itâs too late for Joan to be Diane Lane in Under the Tuscan Sun (a good movie!) so here we are. âItâs all about whatâs in here,â says Guy, gesturing to his heart. Joan says she feels very hopeful. âTake all the time you need,â says Guy, as if he is not on a show where she has to get engaged in two weeks no matter what.
Joan says her life would be better with someone else in it. But she doesnât say Guy specifically.
Now itâs time to meet his family! Heâs feeling confident! He has a big family and theyâre very friendly and welcoming. Joan tells the story of Guy and Charlesâ friendship and I once again miss Charles and the Mansion Men who were actually fun. My kingdom for some Wrong Reasons Drama!
Guy has two sisters, Greer and Gayle, who sit around with big glasses of white wine and honestly seem like a great time. Guyâs adorable large adult sons, Hank and Glenn, ask Joan respectful questions. âYou look happy as a lark,â Gayle says to Guy.
Now itâs time to go to Chicago! Joan wears a white sleeveless turtleneck sweater dress to meet up with Pascal at a coffee shop. Joan says Pascal reminds her of John, and I am once again thinking about how in Under the Tuscan Sun, Diane Lane makes friends with this woman who is a Fellini muse. Itâs really a good movie!
Pascal welcomes Joan to his hometown. âIâm in charge today!â says Pascal, which means no women will be allowed to drive on his watch. At Pascalâs salon, Joan meets his employees, who seem to love Pascal, so he must be better at managing people than accepting that Joan is a licensed driver. âIâm in the feel good business,â he says. âI make people feel good! When they leave, they leave happy!âÂ
For some reason, Joan is allowed to wash a clientâs hair. Over champagne, Pascal tells her that heâs had his heart broken âmany times,â so he can be guarded, and Joan says sheâs guarded, too, because John died.
Over a charcuterie board no one eats, Joan meets Pascalâs children and family and friends. He tells them all about the Snoring of Gregg. Pascal tells his son, who looks just like him and who has a tendril of hair on his forehead thatâs really earning its keep, that Joan is âa classy lady.â âI love you with my whole heart, Dad,â says Pascalâs son.
Everyone is extremely kind and welcoming to Joan, but she says Pascal has walls up.
We canât dwell on the presence or absence of Pascalâs walls, though, because itâs time for even more footage of the Chicago River and the condo buildings that appear on the cover of Wilcoâs Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. Joan gazes out pensively at Chicagoâs most boring business district. She mistakenly says sheâs in the heart of Chicago and sheâs getting together with Jordan, who âhas a very young attitude,â which is the kind of vague compliment youâd only give to a contestant who wonât be coming back next week.
Jordan and Joan go to Lou Malnatiâs for deep dish pizza, which is perfectly good but probably not what someone from Chicago would actually choose, and then they eat cake that Iâm guessing is from Portilloâs. They eat this cake while standing outside near the Clark and Lake L stop, which is one of the least romantic places in Chicago, then take a shot of Malort, which, if youâve never had it before, one of my friends once described as the essence of dry-erase marker, but abrasive. It seems cruel that Jordanâs date is basically a standing picnic, but even crueler to make anyone drink Malort outside during the day. Itâs really only something to drink in wood-paneled bars under a Schlitz sign in a large group of people as a ritual of friendship, but that would be too fun to be allowed on a hometown date.
As they drink down the disgusting wormwood liquor, Jordan tells Joan she is ânow an official Chicagoan,â and this is also not true, because youâre not an official Chicagoan until itâs so cold out your eyes water and then the water from your eyes freezes on your face. NICE TRY, JORDAN!
Jordan and Joan have drinks with Jordanâs family, who seem lovely and who we will never see again. Jordan says heâs not ready to get engaged in two weeks, which is a smart decision when you got the last one-on-one and arenât in serious contention to stay. Oops, Jordan is accused of having walls up now too! If everybody on this show has walls up including Joan, can it even exist?
Joan says she feels confused. âDo I take a leap of faith with Jordan?â she asks, as if this is a real possibility, but we all know itâs not. She says she probably canât break down Jordanâs wall, and thatâs so true: I also canât do things I donât want to do.
Now weâre in Wichita, Kansas to meet Chock, who walks down the driveway of his friendâs ranch to meet Joan in cut-off shorts and loafers. They donât always pay off, but I enjoy Chockâs occasional fashion risks! Joan is happy to see him, and I think Chock is going to win. Chockâs children are like mini Chocks, and theyâve also invited the father of Kathy, Chockâs partner who died.
âIâm a hugger,â says Joan. She loves everyone instantly and says she loves Chock, and makes no mention of walls. The hometown date quickly turns into a memorial service for Chockâs mother, and the way he talks about how much he loves his mother is so touching it almost makes up for the strangeness of this choice.
âThis is actually really special that I get to be here,â says Joan. Chock says Joan is a fairy princess, and Joan says she sees a future with Chock. Kathy Sr. gives his blessing. âYouâre family if you wanna be,â he says, and you can tell from the scoreâs sweeping violins of triumphant romance that Chock is going to win.
Joan says when sheâs with Chock, she feels like âthe big black hole doesnât look like a big black hole anymore,â and I definitely think these two should go on a third date.Â
Back in LA, itâs time for the rose ceremony, and Jordanâs ritual execution. At Beach House Malibu, Joan pretends to put on makeup over her full face of professional glam. She feels unsettled. I donât though, because we all know Chock is the one. She enters the Mansion in a sparkly red very Bachelorette mini dress and says she doesnât know what to do, even though itâs obvious what will happen next.
Jesse Palmer is here to police the roses, and he sounds kind of congested. Hey, remember how briefly in 2020 we decided it was actually cool to stay home from work when we were sick? That was nice.
The men arrive and hug each other. Guy and Chock are both mixing it up in blue, but Chock is in the more daring shade.
âThis is a huge, huge, huge rose ceremony,â says Joan, because it means theyâre taking the next step. The next step, for those of you without brainrot, is fantasy suites, when the contestants get to spend time with Joan WITHOUT CAMERAS PRESENT.
Chock gets the first rose, because of course he does, followed by Guy and Pascal, which means after several weeks of seeming like heâd already been eliminated, Jordan will finally be going home for real. The men all hug Jordan, and Joan walks him out, saying âTime is not our friend,â as if she had really been very interested in Jordan but he was suddenly called away to war before they could truly bond, when really he was given so little screen time his main storyline involved falling down while ice skating.
The remaining men raise their glasses to fantasy suites in Tahiti. âWe get out of the mansion, and thatâs big!â says Joan. Itâs something.
Captain Kim sightings: 0 (but heâll probably be back the week after next!)
This weekâs rating, out of 10 anchor emojis: ââââ