In 12 hours I have to board a plane to Paris, France. Which is
awkward, because 24 hours ago I was stricken with tuberculosis. Or
polio. Or whatever kind of disease makes your head feel like a water
balloon filled with boiling pudding and your lungs feel like a giant
wad of fiberglass insulation. (I’m pretty sure it’s polio.) After I
stopped crying and hyperventilating, my mom gave me some decongestants
and an oxycodone left over from her foot surgery. Then, high as a
fucking kite, I had nothing left to do but wander through YouTube
all day. I hereby present to you the Top Five YouTube Videos
to Watch Whilst Trapped in an Oxycodone Fever Dream.
1. “new hedgehog“
Wow! This Top Video is all about a little hedgehog that doesn’t want
to be picked up. It curls into a ball, and then it uncurls, and then it
rolls around on its hedgehog butt! The oxycodone makes me feel like
this hedgehog is my friend. The other 124,137 people who have watched
“new hedgehog” have some interesting things to say (sic throughout):
“WTH a hege hog???” “Looks like a porcupine.” “It goes in a ball
because it’s sacred ok bitch.” “Do yall know we can eat these
modafakazz?!i!i”
2. “Cougar Morph“
“Cougar Steve” starts out with a regular man face. Then, gradually,
his face morphs into the face of a majestic cougar! This was
probably the best 16 seconds of my life.
3. “Little Women (1994)—WITH BETH“
God, remember this horrible Little Women movie with Claire
Danes and Winona Ryder? This is how I fucking feel right now. Like
whiny-ass Beth wasting away from the consumption (“I can be brave like
you!”). The only thing more annoying than Beth’s rattly croup is
when Jo is all “Sorry, Christian Bale, I’ma go ahead and marry Gabriel
Byrne even though he’s literally 100 years old.” Whatever.
4. “muzzy“
“Yes, that’s French they’re speaking, and no, these children
aren’t French, they’re American!” Since I’m going to France
tomorrow, I thought I’d practice my French using Muzzy, the world’s
greatest language tool/freaky French monster. Unfortunately, all I
managed to learn from this classic ’80s commercial was
“BOOOONJOOOOOUR!” and “Je suis la jeune fille!” I’m sure
those will come in totally handy.
5. “Anna Nicole Show (s01e02) part 2“
“Little Bo Peep and I lost my sheep and I dodo where to find them.
Hmmm. THERE’S MY SHEEP! They’re on that naked lady up there!”
Anna Nicole, I totally feel you on this one, girl. Thanks,
oxycodone!
