So I was in France the other day, which is unusual for me. I am
not normally in France. In fact, you can count the times I’ve been
in France on three fingers and still have one finger left over to use
for whatever (boogers!).
Paris in the wintertime is pretty. Everything is sort of mauve, and
all the stone lions are frosty, and people in love incessantly tongue
each other on bridges. My sister and I went into a tea shop where
cute boys in linen suits scoop tea out of big metal canisters.
It was hard not to have a crush on the tea boys, the “sweet pies,” as
my sister called them, even though they were very obviously 19-ish. My
sister, a teacher, calls this kind of crush “taking a Letourn for
the worse.” As in Mary Kay Letourneau. My sister is funnier than
me.
Inside the tea shop, a Frenchman was wearing a shirt with a series
of symbols and the words “BAD IN USA” printed on it. The symbols went
like this: a noose (because we heart the death penalty), a gun (because
we will shoot you), a hamburger (because of our giant butts), a bomb or
something (Iraq?), and—my very favorite—a brain with an X
through it (because hhnnnnnggggggg!).
Listen, Frenchman: Nobody is more mortified about my government
than me. Also, like you, I’m really not that into stupid people and
firearms. But OH MY GOD, HOLD STILL BECAUSE I AM GOING TO PUNCH YOU
RIGHT IN LE VISAGE.
If that’s how it’s gonna go down, here’s my new T-shirt
design: It’s a dog wearing a beret, and it’s pooping on a TV, and it
has a speech bubble that says: “Bonjour! Je suis NOT FUNNY OR FUN.”
Because at least America knows how to craft decent entertainment
(also our sidewalks are not covered in feces).
Here’s what’s on French TV: Taratata, where bands play and
then a humorless Egyptian asks questions without listening to the
answers; So-and-So [I forget the name] and Big Nose, a
“comedy” in which two ugly men dress up as ugly women and that’s the
entire joke and maybe it’s anti-Semitic; and a bunch of American
stuff dubbed into French (so you can pretend you made it?). I have
never been less entertained. If you hate America so much, Frenchman,
then maybe I will just take my empty skull and my Hannah Montana and my Leonardo DiCaprio back home with me. HAPPY NOW?
On the return flight, feeling smug and patriotic, I watched The
Nanny Diaries. Holy shit. Sorry, France. I totally owe you an
apology. Hhnnnnnggggggg!!! 
