Oh, the things I do for you people. THE THINGS! For instance, THIS
week, on the morning of my 26th birthday, I got up at 9:00 a.m.,
which was actually 8:00 a.m. (daylight saving, you are dead to me), and
went to see College Road Trip. For you. Think about that.
To go along with College Road Trip, I watched a bunch of other
road movies, too. (You’re welcome.)
1. College Road Trip
Happy birthday, self! I finally got you that
“Raven-Symoné’s zany elastic bug-eyed face” you’ve been
asking for! Also, I know how much you like jokes wherein a baby pig
eats all the coffee beans and then goes bananas. Look, Martin Lawrence
is here! Why are you crying?
Martin Lawrence and that actress who looks exactly like
Jackée Harry but mysteriously isn’t Jackée Harry
have this daughter, played by Raven-Symoné. Raven wants to go to
Georgetown and become some sort of stupid lawyer (god, that is
so Raven of her) but Martin Lawrence wants Raven to stay in
Chicago and become a codependent shut-in. Raven’s unnaturally
cinched waist wants the wardrobe department to let her take off
those Spanx. Martin Lawrence wants gay guys (Donny Osmond) to stop
kissing him on the face. The end!
2. Road Trip
Look! Tom Green is doing something weird! He put a mouse in
his mouth! I wonder if the mouse pooped in Tom Green’s mouth a little
bit. I hope it did. Amy Smart’s boobs costar as Amy Smart’s boobs.
3. The Sure Thing
Baby-faced John Cusack travels across the country to have sex with
Nicollette Sheridan (before her face got all gross) in the permanent
naked beach party that is California. Along the way, he saves
Daphne Zuniga from a rapist and she does not even say thank you. I love
the shit out of this movie.
4. Crossroads
Crossroads captures that historic time when Britney
Spears was not a girl, but not yet a woman. Money quote: “They said I
lost the baby. Lost it. Like it was my keys or something.”
5. The Long, Long Trailer
I’m so confused about Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz. They were married
in real life, and married on TV, and in this movie they’re married. And
on TV they were named Ricky and Lucy, and in this movie they’re named
Nicky and Tacy. So are we supposed to assume they’re playing
themselves? So Nicky is Ricky and Tacy is Lucy? And Ricky is Desi?
Anyway, this movie is about a couple of newlyweds who buy a long,
long trailer, fill it with wacky physical comedy, and drive to
Colorado. It was perfectly cute and enjoyable, but I fell asleep before
the end. The box assures me that Nicky and Tacy “live slaphappily
ever after,” so… awesome. 
