Every day, someone tells me, “Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me? You got it EEEEEEEASY. All you do is sit around on your spectacular honey-baked ham and watch TV! I call that EEEEEEEASY.” Well, it’s not so EEEEEEEASY! I thought this TV-criticizing gig would be the EEEEEEEASiest job in the world—until I discovered there’s a considerable amount of typing involved! As it turns out, the pearls of wisdom shooting from my mouth don’t automatically land on the page—unless, we’re talking about my other “pearls of wisdom.” I actually have to type them or hire an intern to type them for me. Not easy when all I have to offer for payment are “pearls of wisdom.” (I’ll let you guess which “pearls” I’m talking about.)
Typing is especially a “p” in the “a” when it comes to television stuff. For example, the ABC show starring Sarah Chalke called How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life). That took me, like, 10 minutes to type! And I had to look up how to spell Sarah Chalke’s name! Fuck YOU, Sarah Chalke! And fuck How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life), too!
HOWEVER! Since How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life)—
UGGNNHHH!—just got canceled, I should be happy I never have to type How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life) again, right? Well, I’M NOT. Because just after ABC said it canceled How to Live with Your Parents (for the Rest of Your Life), it announced it’s picking up Joss Whedon’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.—which just took me 20 minutes to type! Not only did I have to look up Joss Whedon’s name (Fuck YOU, Joss Whedon and your hard-to-spell “special snowflake” name!), but the constant CAP LETTER PERIOD CAP LETTER PERIOD CAP LETTER PERIOD DRIVES ME INSAAAAAAAANE!! (Fuck YOU, too, M*A*S*H!)