HEY GUYS! I’m taking Shark Week off, so here’s a classic Shark Week column with updated Shark Week details. Enjoy your Shark Week! —Humpy
Look, I have nothing against Shark Week—the annual weeklong tribute to those finny, ass-chomping murderers of the deep. HOWEVER! The Discovery Channel could devote the occasional week to a far more frightening animal—the weenie dog. DON’T YOU DARE LAUGH AT MY PHOBIA!! The weenie dog is, statistically speaking, far more dangerous… and here’s my three-pronged proof:
Proof One! Unless you’re that dick Aquaman, how much time do you spend in the ocean? Twenty minutes a year, tops? Comparatively, how many times per year do you pass a weenie dog on the street? Maybe 125? Therefore, your ankle’s chances of being mauled by a weenie dog are 125 times greater than your chance of an attack from a shark…