I have never watched House of Cards in earnest. My ex, however, did so obsessively—the extent of my viewership, therefore, entailed passively watching him watch it, like a teen girl observing her male counterpart playing video games. For hours he’d lie prostrate on the couch, shrouded in near-darkness, entranced by the saga unfolding before him. I did not understand his seemingly insatiable desire. “What don’t you like about it?” he asked. “Well,” I told him, “the main character speaks into camera.” Because Kevin Spacey, as President Frank Underwood, the protagonist of House of Cards, speaks into fucking camera. Sure, it’s a highly respected program that people have emphatically told me I simply must see, not unlike The Wire. But in The Wire, people don’t speak into fucking camera…