Can you describe your perfect day off from work?I'd wake up early, eat a bowl of granola, and then sit around my apartment all day listening to Godspeed You Black Emperor! and sewing stuffed animals like cyclop kittens. I'd also stitch up my guy friends' old donated pairs of Carhartts to fit me.
What would be your fantasy revenge to inflict on a shitty customer?We don't take a lot of shit from customers. When someone leaves pennies for a tip, we go and throw the pennies outside after him. Beyond that, I'd hope that karma takes care of 'em.
Have you ever had sex in Beth's, or been thinking about work during climax?No, but I've made out in the game room.
Then how committed are you to your job?I've worked here for two years, and I've seen a lot of shit go down and vomit come up. That's commitment.
How often are you hit on by customers?At least once a shift. They're mostly creepy Aurora guys, or crackheads, or drunk men claiming to be rock stars. None of them tip well.
Have you ever waited on a celebrity?Not that I know of. Although, the guys from KMFDM stop by when they're in town, but they're friends with the staff.
Ever had to throw someone out?The same woman comes in every weekend and smokes, and every weekend we have to kick her out. The smoking ban has really affected our business. I've never seen it this slow before.
What would you say Beth's best hangover cure is?Bacon and hash browns, or the breakfast burrito. A lot of frat boys come in here and order the 12-egg omelet, thinking they can finish it because they're tough shit, but they can't because it's huge. Watching them try is like my own personal hangover cure.
Interview by Cienna Madrid