Earlier this year, Lindy West made a persuasive case for black licorice being the most amazing candy of all. The crux of her argument:
Anti-black licorice people, let me ask you a few questions in which I will liberally lift passages from Wikipedia:
Is your stupid Snickers bar also an effective expectorant?
Is that Hot Tamale in your mouth also used to make Ayurvedic tooth powders?
Do you sometimes use Big Hunk to treat your mouth ulcers and also peptic ulcers too?
Is your beloved Laffy Taffy an ingredient in a Bellevue-based canker sore medication known as CankerMelts?
Oh, oh, do you sometimes take that box of Nerds and employ it as a mild laxative as well as a topical antiviral agent for shingles, ophthalmic (EYEBALL), oral, or genital herpes!?
Say, tell me, is that 100 Grand bar, in addition to being a common snack, also used to treat ileitis, leaky gut syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, and Crohn’s disease as it is antispasmodic in the bowels???
THE ANSWER IS NO. NO. ONLY BLACK LICORICE DOES THESE THINGS. TRY RUBBING A THREE MUSKETEERS ON YOUR HERPES AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
Well, I would now like to direct Ms. West’s attention to this new report from the University of Edinburgh:
A study of eight year old children whose mothers ate large amounts of liquorice when pregnant found they did not perform as well as other youngsters in cognitive tests. They were also more likely to have poor attention spans and show disruptive behaviour such as ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). It is thought that a component in liquorice called glycyrrhizin may impair the placenta, allowing stress hormones to cross from the mother to the baby. High levels of such hormones, known as glucocorticoids, are thought to affect fetal brain development and have been linked to behavioural disorders in children.
Let the record show that Snickers, Hot Tamales, Big Hunks, 100 Grand Bars, and Laffy Taffy have no history of making your children stupider, only fatter.
Not so much, David.
Satan makes black licorice with his asshole.
I brush my teeth every day with fennel toothpaste and I still hate black licorice.
Um, there’s also the indisputable fact that black licorice is one of the worst tastes on earth. I think the only two substances I would like to eat less than black licorice are poop and vomit. And we might need to talk about what exactly the person who vomited ate before I could decide between that and black licorice.
We don’t need a study to tell us what we already know: black licorice is evil and anyone who likes it is fucking insane.
The only “candy” that ranks near black licorice in terms of utter vileness is horehound. Only an cruel sadist would give either flavor to a child. Bad candy!
@5: Guil-TYYYYYYY.
Now where’d I put that hate mail to Schmader I fashioned out of black licorice and the back of a cardboard sign I stole from art guy on 3rd and Madison…
Let the record also show that excessive intake of those other candies does not produce symptoms compatible with pheochromocytoma.
I’m sticking with chocolate.
I always wondered why black jelly beans had their own bag. Who the hell would buy a whole bag of that stuff? Or maybe they couldn’t have the licorice ones mixing with perfectly good yum flavored jelly beans?
Everyone knows that black licorice tastes like a rat’s milky semen.
Licorice is only good for alleviating nausea.
I brought a bag of black licorice into work one day (I like it, so sue me) and my Indian co-worker tried a piece. He thought we were playing a trick on him. “that’s not really candy!”
When people talk about how black licorice is the most disgusting candy on earth, it’s like they have no memory of VIOLET CRUMBLE the most vile, rotten turd of a candy known to man.
Laffy Taffy is the devil’s food.
I’d rather not consume a candy that acts as a laxative, thanks.
@14, I love Violet Crumble. And black liquorice (although I haven’t put it on my eyeball or anything like that). I guess the only tangible benefit is that nobody will ever steal my stash. 😉
Do we get to slap the handcuffs on Lindy now? Because I’d fly to Seattle for that.
This explains a lot about Lindy West. I wonder if she was the focus of the study.
@6, you’re dead to me now. Horehound is the greatest candy flavor.
The greatness of black licorice is only disputable by philistines with the palates of newborns. Why not just eat white sugar packets if you can’t handle a little flavor? Or drink Faygo (75 grams of sugar per bottle, or more than two and a half ounces)?
Dubbelzout, please.
Y’all need to spend some time in Scandinavia: you’ll learn what kind of pain real liquorice can wreak.
I like black licorice and am sad for anyone that refers to Red Vines as “licorice”. Not that it came up, just making sure you all know.
Pregnant woman who eat “large amounts” of it, however, are stupid, and are bound to have stupid kids.
It tastes like a fucking tire.
Black licorice is fucking delicious.
I love me some black licorice!
It might’ve leached thru the placenta, but it probably made the placenta taste delicious.
@11, never having tasted a rat’s milky semen, I defer to your obvious expertise 😛
Black licorice is awesome. If you don’t like it, fine, (de gustibus non est disputandum, bitch) but I just don’t understand the hate.
Also, 22 is right. Red licorice is an oxymoron.
If you rub your Three Musketeers on your herpes, please don’t offer me a bite of your candy.
I love Lindy, but now I love her a little less.
Fnarf, your poor taste continues to amaze me. Do you like any good food at all?
Can’t let the last word here be anti-black licorice. I love it! Yay black licorice! I’m gonna go eat some right now. Om nom nom.
@27:
Ever mix Ouzo or Raki (both anise-based liquors; anise, along with fennel and liqorice all contain a similar ether compound that gives them their distinctive flavor) with water? It turns a vile, milky white, which sort of LOOKS like what one might expect rat semen to look like, so it wouldn’t surprise me in the least to learn that rat semen and liquorice both taste the same.
And seriously, it’s not like ANY of the candies Lindy cited are particularly tasty, SFAIC. Frankly, I’m surprised she didn’t include Boston Baked Beans and those gag-inducing red spiky candy-coated peanut things as well.
Not particular to licorice, red or black, but I do like the seeds on the local baguettes that have a similar taste. (Pro’lly fennel.)
The candy is too sweet for me.
What’s the stuff in Jägermeister?
Where do all these anti-licorice rubes come from? Also, horehound is great, and any sort of wheat-filled red candy is not licorice. If you want some tasty licorice, check out the salted hard variety at a few Scandinavian shops in Ballard.
@ 34 You are probably thinking of anise. Yum!
So….. Black Licorice = Herpes. Got it.