It’s no secret, I’ve got some “gay” in me. How much? Depends on when you ask, and if I’m looking at this when you ask. How did this “gay” get into me? Juice boxes, yo! And Kettle chips. Now I don’t partake in juice boxes and Kettle chips all that much—but apparently I’ve ingested enough of them to cause me to enjoy many Broadway showtunes, especially those pre-Sondheim. OH, FORGET IT!! Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones can explain it better than I can.

41 replies on “Juice Boxes Make You Gay. OH! So Do Chips.”

  2. So, what is it that makes you whatever the hell Alex Jones is? Lead paint chips? Falling out of your crib onto your head? Fetal methamphetamine syndrome?

  3. well, the guy is right about overprocessed/packaged food being everywhere and how that can be a potential source of health problems. but i’d be more worried about cancer and obesity than gay.

  5. Sounds like someone doesn’t know the difference between hormonal disruptions from an estrogen-rich diet and intrinsic “wiring.” It’s true that processed food has excitotoxins and wording like “yeast extract” or “natural flavors” or “hydrolyzed yeast” can mean monosodium glutamate (MSG) has been added to the food. But estrogens in food <> “teh gay.”

  8. “You’re reading to uh, you know, uh go put together a garden of roses or something.”

    WTF? So gardening means you’re sexually mature? Fuck! Is that why I’ve been tending rose bushes all these years?

    Is there something I’m missing? Some cultural turn of phrase that I’ve missed?

  10. Hell, I’m as gay as a goose. A literal 6.5 on the Kinsey scale, yet I’ve never had the desire to wear a skirt or put on lip stick. And I eat my share of today’s junk foods.

    Maybe if I eat enough Kettle chips, it might just do the trick.

  12. @11: Yes, yes you are. Such a thing sounds like possibly the most terrifying thing ever conceived by humankind and we’re all a little less civilized for having read it.

  13. Drinking juice makes gay guys want to go out wearing lipstick and have a baby? What’s in that juice that’s causing gay men to wear lipstick and grow yolk sacs? MSG must be turning guys into seahorses.

  15. Ok, I can’t watch that video here, but I can tell you that Kettle Chips are grown in red country… probably more accurately, libertarian country, and probably even more accurately, meth country. So whatever it is those folks a doin’ to the soil, must be doin’ the trick.

  16. I’ll admit, I used to listen to this guy, say 9-10 years ago and think “Hmm, he might have something there.” This shit, though, is clearly insane. Has he always been this way, or is this some sort of crazy regression I’m seeing, or was I just stupid as a youngster?

  18. Nothing says speaking truth to power and fighting against the evils of the New World Order quite like a grown man drinking a juice box.

  23. @5: Thank you so very much for using a inequality operator that’s recognized by an actual formal language. Drives me crazy when people say “=/=”

  24. @11: I’d definitely watch it, Joe. Maybe in the season finale we could meet an Alex Jones-Illuminati member and see what mysterious forces he blames things on (probably the Dharma Initiative).

  25. To the ladies thinking juice boxes will make you gay, let me translate a bit:

    “Gay” to people like this means “two dudes butt fucking”. Two dudes = gay. Two womens = hot. Women cannot, in their worldview, be gay.

    Unless they be butch dykes. Then they get put in the dudes column by default. Still, if you are a remotely attractive woman, to people like this, it is fundamentally impossible to be gay no matter how much snatch you smooch.

  26. @20 NO NO NO those are all things that ladies do. And being a lady is REALLY BAD. And being gay makes you a lady. Look at all the gay guys who want to be ladies at the next Folsom Street Fair. Nothing says “I want to be a lady” like anal fisting.

  27. I must be in a time warp then. I was gay long before the invention of either the juice box or Kettle chips. I was gay when juice either came fresh or in a frozen concentrate, and when chips were either Lays or Pringles.

    No doubt this is some sort of government conspiracy.

  29. Uhm … ok…

    yeah…

    Seriously, how many billions of people do we have? How much of a drain on our resources is the human race? How difficult are women to mate with?

    I wish he was right …

  32. I have the urge to track down his children and give them kettle chips. Assuming he’s ever had a female tolerate his presence long enough for him to inseminate her….

  35. I thought my enjoying that basketball player’s huge cock in my rear end in high school is what made me gay? But hey, if you want to shove a juice box in there or some Pringles up your hole….enjoy. Though those two don’t really make you gay.

  36. I drank Capri Sun from those little plasticky pouches every day with my lunch from 5th through 8th grade in the 80’s, and it worked – I’m gay! But I never had a baby, nor do I wear skirts. My grandfather, however, was prize rose-gardener AND a WWII Vet, and he seriously would have beat the shit out of this pudgy dumbass in the video. My grandpa’s roses were serious fucking business.

  37. Really?! This is what we’re up against politically?
    I would like a worthy opponent, for once.

    Oh… And, by-the-by, my father taught me to garden, you Cranky Paranoid Bitch.

    He’s right about one thing: drink water, outta the tap.

  38. The lengths Marxists, Fascists, and homosexuals will go to convert as many straight children to homosexuality shouldn’t surprise anyone.

    The math is simple – the fewer children, the fewer people to control. The best way to have fewer children is more homosexuals (as well as pushing the overpopulation hoax). So you combine overt attempts at homosexual conversion like gay marriage, sex education (which teaches children how to be gay), and homosexual rights with nefarious efforts like this (as well as introducing soy products into society – World Net Daily had an expose on the amount of estrogen found in soy products) and wah lah -more homosexuals.

    Fortunately, with the Democrat Party looking at a record bloodbath in November, and liberalism about to be thrown to the sharks, the tide should soon turn against homosexuality.

  40. @38 is my sarcasm meter misfiring?

    I mean, I won’t lie — I like gays and am glad there are more of them being open these days. That’s because they’ve likely been through hell during their formative years (like any oppressed minority) and people who have been through ordeals like that come out the other end wiser and better human beings. But here’s what confuses me: gays can still have kids. In a theoretical world where everyone was gay (not that it’s at all possible, but obviously you’ve jerked to the idea more than once so I’m trying to meet you halfway), they would still have kids. They’d use artificial insemination or just force themselves to have sex with someone they found unattractive once every 5 years or so. You’re an idiot if you think that’s not how most kids are conceived anyway. You know the stereotype of women hating sex? Well some do (though given the crop of straight dudes like you, it’s no mystery why), and they grin and bear it to have kids anyway. Why do you think it would be different in ‘gayland’?

  41. “Democratic.” And, dear, the “homosexuals,” as well as the Marxists and Fascists, want to have kids as much as the straight and righteous non-soy-exploited; why would you assume otherwise?

    “Fortunately”? Really!? That’s so unkind. Shame on you for your lack of Christian generosity.

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