What to Do When Your Offspring Is Shattering Everyone’s Eardrums in a Restaurant

1. bjc i usually think you are righ ton, but this kind of reminds me of that i think seattalites are like those elderly people in costume in that nether world that dick van dyke ends up in in the move chitty chitty bang bang and how those people are afraid of children
   babies cry its part of nature. its good for the lungs.

   but yes i am sure it was annoying

2. A big part of the problem is that the average “parent” has forgotten that the very SECOND their baby leaves their body, it is their job to parent said child and teach it to become a decent human being. Sure, not much can be done with a newborn. They’re too young to understand how to listen and control themselves. But the older kids are a different story. Last month a woman came through my check-out line at the store I work at. The entire time she was in line, her child of maybe 3 or 4 was shrieking as loud as his voice would allow. Over and over and over again for more than 10 minutes. The most ear-shattering shrieks you have ever heard. Did the child’s mother do anything about it? No. She made the occassional, soft-voiced comment about “You’re still being bad so you don’t get any” (he wanted a juice box, I think, was hard to tell through the shrieks). Did she ever get stern voiced? No. Did she make any threats of punishment for bad behavior? No. She just let him continue to shriek, causing pain to EVERYONE nearby. He could be heard through most of the store, and two of our cashiers had to leave for a few minutes to take some Tylenol for the headaches he caused them. For the next hour or so, customers in the store during his screeching would talk about how horrible it was.

   The woman should have left her groceries, hauled him out to the car, and left him sitting in a time-out until he calmed down. Then, come back inside and finished shopping and paying for her stuff. But she didn’t. She made everyone around her suffer because she was too lazy to parent properly. Someone above made a comment about how Hawkchild is supposed to learn not to be Hawkchild. Hawkchild will learn not to be Hawkchild when it’s parents make an effort to stop the horrible noise. The younger a child learns to behave in public, the more everyone around them can appreciate it. I always noticed when someone has actually parented their children, because a well-behaved kid who asks first and does as they’re told really stands out from all the crying whining kids that drive me insane every day. Children allowed to be noisy in public turn into adults who do the same, as I was about to start throwing things at a group of adults when I was out to eat the other night. They didn’t seem to understand the childhood concept of an “inside voice”, and they were so loud I couldn’t even hear my friends whom I was sharing a table with.

3. A big part of the problem is that the average “parent” has forgotten that the very SECOND their baby leaves their body, it is their job to parent said child and teach it to become a decent human being. Sure, not much can be done with a newborn. They’re too young to understand how to listen and control themselves. But the older kids are a different story. Last month a woman came through my check-out line at the store I work at. The entire time she was in line, her child of maybe 3 or 4 was shrieking as loud as his voice would allow. Over and over and over again for more than 10 minutes. The most ear-shattering shrieks you have ever heard. Did the child’s mother do anything about it? No. She made the occassional, soft-voiced comment about “You’re still being bad so you don’t get any” (he wanted a juice box, I think, was hard to tell through the shrieks). Did she ever get stern voiced? No. Did she make any threats of punishment for bad behavior? No. She just let him continue to shriek, causing pain to EVERYONE nearby. He could be heard through most of the store, and two of our cashiers had to leave for a few minutes to take some Tylenol for the headaches he caused them. For the next hour or so, customers in the store during his screeching would talk about how horrible it was.

   The woman should have left her groceries, hauled him out to the car, and left him sitting in a time-out until he calmed down. Then, come back inside and finished shopping and paying for her stuff. But she didn’t. She made everyone around her suffer because she was too lazy to parent properly. Someone above made a comment about how Hawkchild is supposed to learn not to be Hawkchild. Hawkchild will learn not to be Hawkchild when it’s parents make an effort to stop the horrible noise. The younger a child learns to behave in public, the more everyone around them can appreciate it. I always noticed when someone has actually parented their children, because a well-behaved kid who asks first and does as they’re told really stands out from all the crying whining kids that drive me insane every day. Children allowed to be noisy in public turn into adults who do the same, as I was about to start throwing things at a group of adults when I was out to eat the other night. They didn’t seem to understand the childhood concept of an “inside voice”, and they were so loud I couldn’t even hear my friends whom I was sharing a table with.

4. Start early intervention, that poor baby may be autistic.
   Sadly,
   One who has been there

5. 143-They’re your “civilized” bullshit social rules. But thanks for the entertainment.

6. I don’t have kids of my own, and I’m usually big on tolerating other people’s kids because I realize somebody’s going to have to feed me and wipe my ass and hopefully not grind me up into Soylent Green when I’ve reached the end of my useful shelf life. I’ve never said a word about the many screaming kids in my neighborhood, whom I hear first thing in the morning and late late at night, because hey, kids have to grow up somewhere. That is where they live, and making noise is part of living, especially when you’re eight months old and too young to know about self-control.

   I also can’t understand what is so inhumane about asking you to take little Makayla for a spin when she starts feeling extra-exuberant. I’ve done it myself, many times, when dining with babies. Come on, you’re in a restaurant. Noise is a pollutant. Nobody’s depriving you of food and water, just asking you to survive on takeout if you must for a couple of three years, or else realize that your meal might get cut short if Jaydin can’t sit through it without ruining it for everyone else. I’m sympathetic to the shrieking phase, having seen it in many of my younger relatives, and I know it doesn’t last long–so maybe stay out of restaurants for that short time? Please? If you can find it in your heart to do that, I promise I’ll never be one of those cranky seniors who doesn’t want to pay taxes for your kids’ schools.

7. Parents, repeat after me:

   I UNDERSTAND THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT RELATED TO MY CHILD WILL NOT THINK EVERYTHING MY CHILD DOES IS CUTE.

   A friend of mine recently posted pictures of his baby daughter’s first major booger on Facebook.

   NOT EVERYTHING YOUR CHILD DOES IS CUTE.

   I went to see an R-rated movie. A baby screamed for close to 30 minutes, before I went and got an usher. The mother made a royal stink when the usher escorted her out.

   NOT EVERYTHING YOUR CHILD DOES IS CUTE.

   I was eating dinner with a friend at a fairly pricey, elegant Italian restaurant. Unfortunately, I was also coming down with a headache.

   Next to us, was a large table with 6 adults and 8 children. One of the children was running around the table, shrieking at the top of his lungs. He climbed back onto his chair in order to mash his spaghetti up with his hands, then dechaired and ran toward me, brandishing his tomato-sauce covered hands. I shrank back, clutching my white embroidered skirt which I loved dearly despite paying an unreasonable amount of money for it.

   The little monster advanced, hands extended. I told him firmly, “Go back to your mother,” and bared my teeth at him, hoping to activate some sort of self-preservation instinct.

   He closed the distance, clutching my skirt, depositing gobs of tomato sauce all over me. I knew a moment of sadness, for the skirt I loved, and for the play I would probably now miss because I didn’t want to go looking like a zombie attack victim, and couldn’t make it home to change and back in time to get to the play. And then I knew fury.

   I said sharply to his mother, who was smiling indulgently at him, “Are you going to pay for drycleaning for my skirt, which your son has just ruined?”

   She looked aghast. “He’s just a child. He’s being affectionate,” she protested.

   I am a gentle person. Butterflies land on me. Abused animals trust me. I rescue worms from drowning after rainstorms.

   But at that moment, I actually wanted to backhand the little monster out of the way so I could get to his mother and strangle her.

   NOT EVERYTHING YOUR CHILD DOES IS CUTE.

   Also, note to restaurants:

   NOT EVERYTHING YOUR CUSTOMERS DO IS ACCEPTABLE. IT IS OKAY TO THROW THE WORST OFFENDERS OUT ON THEIR ASSES.

   If you can afford to eat out at $30-a-plate restaurants, you can afford a f*cking babysitter.

   When I have children, until they are old enough to behave, they will accompany me to family-friendly restaurants, which we will leave if they start shrieking, and they will stay home with a babysitter when I go to R-rated movies or burlesque shows or expensive restaurants. If I can’t afford a babysitter for these non-child-appropriate outings, or feel that I can’t be separated from them, I’ll stay home.

   This is what my mother did. This is what my aunts did. This is what my grandmother did. This is what my friends with children do. I’m unclear as to why people think that it’s so much to ask. When you have children, you accept that there are things that you won’t be able to do, or won’t be able to do often, until they reach a certain age. Eating at places where other diners are paying for atmosphere as well as food is one of them.

8. The intermittent shriek thing is, unfortunately, a normal part of development. They’re learning what neat sounds they can make. And what horribly gut-wrenching, ear-splitting noises they can make. Yeah, it sucks, but that’s how it goes when you spend time around other humans.

   You, as the person without a baby, should try to calm yourself and not get angry about babies being babies. You, as a parent, should try to distract your child into making cuter noises for the sake of those around you who haven’t been dealing with babyscreeches for weeks.

   I actually really am not a fan of kids in a general sense, and really strongly dislike most parents, but some shit just can’t be helped.

9. Anyone eating at a faux-asian restaurant called Mansoon needs to be shot (sans the screaming babies and toddlers who were dragged there by brain dead adults). There ya go…

10. @158

    Yes. We — most of us — know that not everything our child does is cute. I would never have let my kid do that to you and if she managed to do something like that in spite of my best efforts, I would have offered to pay for dry cleaning or replacing your skirt.

    I think the point you and a lot of other people on this thread fail to grasp is how incredibly fucking arrogant that statement at the beginning of your post — “Parents, repeat after me:” sounds. I’m sorry about your skirt. That’s fucked up, and the stupid bitch who let that happens needs to be slapped. But if you think talking to and about parents like we’re a bunch of brain-dead cultists who are too overwhelmed by our baby-love hormones to consider the possibility that our children are assholes is going to get you anything other than kicked in the teeth, you’re the one who needs a reality check.

    Maybe instead of copping that smug condescension and painting all parents with the same brush, you should start from the hypothesis that the woman who let her kid fuck up your skirt was just a fucking asshole, who happened to have a kid who she is raising to be a fucking asshole in his own right. See where that one gets you.

    And don’t, for the love of god, go around telling any parent what a great parent you’re going to be when you have kids.

11. @115 Members of my family, my approaching forty self included, have occasionally been in a wide array establishments, including those fancy enough to require jackets, starting at ages just old enough to have moved to gender specific attire. Admittedly, not all of us made it through every meal.

    I would also like to point out that there are cultures, which seem to produce otherwise perfectly decent adults, who do not believe in interfering with children. Admittedly, it doesn’t sound like Bethany was describing anyone of these people, as while they may stare off into the middle distance while their children do some truly amazing things, it is usually quite clear that they are not attempting to fool anyone.

12. If your kid is a pain in the ass to other diners, you do what my parents did when I was three; you don’t go out to restaurants (we didn’t have no Chucky Sleeze when I was a young’un, by cracky).

    That’s it. You don’t take kids to a place where they can’t or won’t behave. You say “Aww, why can’t we go out for fun, too?” and the reason is, you decided you’d rather raise a kid.

    Sure, kids only do what kids do, it’s normal, etc., etc., don’t be a Nazi. Well, here’s a clue for ya, breeders: Stomach flu is a natural thing, too, as is the vomiting that occurs with it. I still don’t want you sitting at the next table if you barfed on yourself in the cab on the way over.

13. Boy, sounds like you all hate liberal parenting: you know, the no-spanking, nonjudgmental, lets-not-discipline little Johnny and but listen his opinions style of parenting that is so fucking pervasive in Seattle.

    These indulging parents are just raising more little liberals who don’t know boundaries and feel the world and government owes them something. You should embrace these future Sloggers.

14. Boy, sounds like you all hate liberal parenting: you know, the no-spanking, nonjudgmental, lets-not-discipline little Johnny and but listen his opinions style of parenting that is so fucking pervasive in Seattle.

    These indulging parents are just raising more little liberals who don’t know boundaries and feel the world and government owes them something. You should embrace these future Sloggers.

15. 1. 154 and 158 for the win. Discipline doesn’t start the second after your child commits a crime; it starts the moment that your child is committing actions that others may find offensive, then it continues until the child has either grown out of or willfully finishes that phase of his or her life.

    2. For all of the aggrieved parents and “sensitive to childrens’ needs” non-parents in this thread: Unless the business in question is explicitly family-oriented, your child should *not* be there if he or she doesn’t know how to sit down and be quiet. Some of us like to be able to eat in silence or to be able to eat and chat with the people who are accompanying us without hearing inappropriate background noise (and yes, baby sounds are inappropriate, even it you think that they’re “darling”.) I don’t care if you haven’t left the house since the oil leak was discovered, it’s your personal responsibility to at least *attempt* to maintain a sense of balance when you’re in public. I mean, yes, *some* babies can be loud and “pitchy”. Well, *some* adults like gangbangs in which they’re either being made airtight or helping to make the person in question airtight, *some* adults like to give women squirting orgasms and *some* adults like to tie their loved ones up in rope and hit them with various household items. When the world arises in which it’s APPROPRIATE for those adults to sit in a restaurant and loudly share information and “tips and tricks” in how to achieve maximum levels of triple penetration on a willing woman, I’ll gladly sit in a restaurant or movie theater and listen to your baby screech it’s lungs empty. Until that day arrives, I’ll avoid telling people about the right way to curl and flex their vagina-imbedded fingers in public and I’ll summarily expect that parents or caregivers with screechy babies/children remove them from the premises if the environment isn’t suitable for their level of maturity.

    (Personal note: I didn’t leave my parents’ house for anything besides doctor’s appointments or holidays until I was over a year old and could walk firmly on my own two feet. The people in my family held the same values ass the rest of our people: children should be seen and not heard, and it’s the responsibility of the parents to teach a child to hold it’s tongue when that child is around adults. Period. In situations where the child is being disruptive, you remove the child from the premises and suffer whatever consequences arise. On one occasion, my cousin decided to throw a temper tantrum while she was at the supermarket with her mother. For the next four days, my cousin, her parents and her grandmother ate flour dumplings and eggs mixed with rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner because that was all that was left in the pantry. When my cousin asked for a reason, my aunt told her that the temper tantrum used up her last available shopping time for the week, and that they’d have to wait another two days before she’d have enough spare time to go shopping. Interestingly enough, my cousin never threw another tantrum, and she hadn’t even turned 5 when it happened. My cousin is also a college graduate who earns six figures a year, despite being born and raised in low-income housing in NYC during the… rap song inspiration years. Her friends with “tolerant” and “understanding” parents all became teenaged mothers and are still living in the projects. Get the hint?)

16. And for those of you who’ll talk about being witness to the “wonder of a new life” or thinking of me as “unmindful of the need for new parents to relieve stress”, well…

    In the year 2010, Dan *still8 receives letters from sexually frustrated couples, women who complain about their SO’s inability to find the clitoris and people with all sorts of sexual dysfunction. In that respect, it could possibly be seen as a “gift” to those people if I were to go out to dinner with a date or a couple of my friends and start having a conversation about making women squirt. it may be even “nicer” of me if I intermittently yelled out various bits of information such as “The Clit Is At The TOP Of The Vulva, Not At The Bottom!” or “The G-SPOT Feels Like A SPONGY Piece Of Tissue, With An Almost Ridged Texture.”, or “When You Curl Your Fingers Just Right, She’ll GUSH Like A Fountain. The Juices From Her FRESHLY SATISFIED PUSSY Won’t Hurt You, You Can Even DRINK HER PUSSY JUICE!”

    I mean, this type of information *would* contribute greatly to the “wonder of a new sexual life” for a couple (Hell, it may even be the tipping point in the creation of an actual *new* life if his learned skills are enough to let her let him get on top of her more often than once a year!) And the ability to make a woman squirt is enough to help almost any woman forget about any stressors that are bothering her for at least 5-10 minutes, right? So why *should* it be inappropriate for me to hold conversations like that in a public area? I mean, I’m just expressing myself as a human being? Sex *is* a natural body function, and we’ve progressed enough as a society that the idea of a woman’s pleasure isn’t seen as a taboo or an abject impossibility, so by having that type of conversation I’m almost being helpful. Hmm? Any takers? Could it be that those words are considered annoying in the specific context? Could it be that I’d be better served having that conversation in a more appropriate venue? Could it be that by loudly disseminating sexual advice, I’ve overstepped my boundaries as a mature adult? Could it be that by expressing opinions that many people find to be disruptive or offensive, I’m actually contributing to the disruption of propriety? No, of course not…

17. @156:

    MY “bullshit civilized social rules” are the ones that keep someone from shoving a fork into your eye-socket when sit on your lazy ass and do nothing to keep your child from screaming at the top of its lungs while they’re trying to enjoy the meal for which they just paid good money.

    You’re welcome.

    @161:

    You sure do seem to know quite a bit about what makes a person an asshole. How does that old saying go again?

18. I make a point of trying to keep my kids reasonably acceptable in public venues. I only take them to restaurants that have a kid’s menu, I go at “off peak hours” when there (hopefully) aren’t a lot of other customers around, I bring things to entertain them like colouring books and iPods and I if they don’t behave I pick them up and remove them from venue until they can calm down.

    However, I have absolutely no patience for holier then thou individuals who act as though my kid standing on her bench seat, or blowing bubbles into a glass of milk is somehow ruining their trip to Denny’s. On the rare occasion that someone gives me a dirty look, I’m generally very direct (but generally civil) about my right to a paid meal.

    That said, if someone ever had the gall to complain to me directly I would probably smash my glass into their face Begbie style and then stamp on their head with my boot… Hasn’t happened yet though.

19. I’m sure glad nobody is insane enough to make 170 comments on such a minor thing as this.

    Come on people, we have bulldogs and rapists loose in our city – and you focus on this?

20. @168 I think you’re referring to that old saying, “Jesus, Comte, you’re such an asshole.” Though I’m not sure it counts as an “old saying”, since I imagine you hear it pretty often.

21. I think Judah wins – at being a hell of a lot more annoying, by being a spewing defensive arrogant asshole, then any screaming Hawkchild could ever be. I just hope that your children grow up to be nothing like you.

22. Yay for @161

    Reading these comments you’d think most parents are over-indulgent and completely oblivious. Not true at all. In my experience the vast majority of parents are just very aware of how their kids are behaving and go out of their way to make sure that their kids are not bothering people. The vast majority of parents would not let their kids do things like smash pasta and grab some stranger’s dress or run around the table shrieking. But there’s always an asshole at every restaurant and sometimes that asshole brought kids and sometimes not.

    Sure, there are people who are inconsiderate and that inconsideration includes not managing their children well. But I firmly believe those are the exception. Before I had kids I used to go out to restaurants all the time and there’s always at least one table doing something annoying but more often than not it was the adults being annoying (too loud, too drunk, talking on cell phone, whatever).

23. Wow, what is the record for slog posts anyhow? You’d think something more important to the world at large would receive so much attention.

    Oh, well.

24. I’ll make you guys a deal: You stop swearing loudly in front of my child, and I’m make him stop shrieking in front of you.

    How does that sound?

25. When my teens were toddlers, the Sunset Bowl coffee shop was the perfect place to be. The rumble of Bud bottles and strikes always put them to sleep.

26. I think Judah and Comte just have to agree to disagree on this one.

    For the record, if a parent fails to control a child in a public place, they fail the societal responsibility test. The punishment is public shaming. Unfair or bigoted it may be, but that is the consequence. Think of it as receiving a societal traffic ticket.

27. Parents need to have a clue about the rights of others. Others need to have a clue about the existence of parents and children. IOW, the world is full of other people and everyone should live in considerate ways. Is this so complex?

28. my favorite parents are the ones who allow back-of-seat-kicking. listen, i know you paid $40,000 on invitro or whatnot. and i know that you child is a miracle and gift. i also know that children are our future. but PLEASE for everybodys’ sake – stop pretending you don’t see it, don’t hear it, or are otherwise oblivious to WHATEVER it is your child is doing to take the joy out of other people’s lives. when i turn my head the first time to see what is kicking me in my disabled back, and i see it is YOUR child, and then i look AT YOU with that expectant look in my eyes – make your miraculous gift keep his/her miraculous foot off the back of my seat. when i WHIP my head around the second time and glare at your miraculous gift and then AT YOU, take the freakin’ hint and get your child under control or move it from behind me. when it continues, and i stand up and turn around and am less than gracious when i tell you to tell your fucking miraculous gift to keep his fucking feet off the back of my fucking seat – don’t get all indignant and act as though i hate children and should be kept in a dungeon! that goes for repeatedly SLAMMING the tray table, screaming in my ear, hanging over my seat, or anything else that in any way infringes on my quiet (withing reason) enjoyment of whatever it is i am doing. i love children, as i do all mankind. it is just YOUR child that i have a problem with. but really, what i have a problem with is YOU.

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