e991/1237500237-bemywife.jpgOnly “terrible people,” according to books editor Paul Constant.

Well, slap the cuffs on me, Paul Constant! Throw me in the paddywagon! Take me “downtown” and “slammer” me right in the “big house!” Because I am one of those terrible black licorice-loving people! In fact, I don’t just love black licorice. We are IN LOVE. Wedding date TBD.

I purchased this bag of RJ’s “Soft Eating” Natural Licorice (see above) at Pasta & Co. last week. It cost like $8, which is quite a few dollars for licorice. BUT IT IS NOT TOO MANY DOLLARS FOR THE MOST DELICIOUS LICORICE IN THE WORLD!!! This licorice is so fucking good. If you are a terrible person, like me, and you want to eat some life-changingly tasty licorice, I hope you have $8. Otherwise, your life is fucked in this regard. Sorry.

ded7/1237501208-blackjelly.jpgAfter I was accused of being terrible, I took an informal office poll and discovered that EVERYBODY in the office hates black licorice except for Eli Sanders, who said it reminded him of his “crazy uncle,” and Brendan Kiley, who seemed indifferent but generally supportive of my cause. Everyone else screamed in my face about how black jellybeans (<——) ruined their lives. Whatever. Anyway, everyone else, I would now like to posit (and prove) that black licorice is not the domain of terrible people. Clearly, people who appreciate black licorice are, in fact, better than you. Because we know what is good (black licorice) and what is not good (you guys).

Anti-black licorice people, let me ask you a few questions in which I will liberally lift passages from Wikipedia:

Is your stupid Snickers bar also an effective expectorant?

Is that Hot Tamale in your mouth also used to make Ayurvedic tooth powders?

Do you sometimes use Big Hunk to treat your mouth ulcers and also peptic ulcers too?

Is your beloved Laffy Taffy an ingredient in a Bellevue-based canker sore medication known as CankerMelts?

Oh, oh, do you sometimes take that box of Nerds and employ it as a mild laxative as well as a topical antiviral agent for shingles, ophthalmic (EYEBALL), oral, or genital herpes!?

Say, tell me, is that 100 Grand bar, in addition to being a common snack, also used to treat ileitis, leaky gut syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, and Crohn’s disease as it is antispasmodic in the bowels???

THE ANSWER IS NO. NO. ONLY BLACK LICORICE DOES THESE THINGS. TRY RUBBING A THREE MUSKETEERS ON YOUR HERPES AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. I bet you will still have herpes at the end. And good luck with that leaky gut, jerks.

Black licorice is multitasking all over town. Task one: Be delicious. Task two: SAVE LIVES.

BOOM.
PROVED.
CASE CLOSED.

Black licorice is the best.

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

106 replies on “Who Here Likes Black Licorice?”

  16. FYI, Lindy – there is a store in Vancouver called Dutch Girl Chocolates that sells over 40 different varieties of black licorice. Those Dutch really like their black, salty, sweet goodness. You can buy a variety pack and live it up!

  17. Cheap black licorice: horrible. Slightly more expensive black licorice: insanely delicious.

    May I also suggest black licorice tea, aka liquid candy?

  20. I like black licorice! I LIKE BLACK JELLYBEANS!

    I do not, however, like salty licorice. That stuff tastes like someone puked black licorice on a salt lick and tried to make me eat it.

  21. Note to drinkers:

    An appreciation of licorice goes hand-in-hand with an appreciation of absinthe. Same goes for other fine vices like ouzo and sambuca.

  23. Well… If you like treacle and humectant (E)422 with your liquorice extract.

    Enjoy.

    (Your probably just mostly tasting the aniseed oil, which is the primary flavoring agent of most liquorice candy (and is sooo not liquorice…))

    But, is it really very “Green” of you to eat Licorice from New Zealand in Seattle?… I mean come on, whats the Carbon Foot Print of one of those glucose pellets?

  26. If black licorice and salted caramel had a fight, I would eat the loser, then eat the winner. Then I would eat some more of each. It would be delicious.

  27. I don’t get it. How and when did black jelly beans every “ruin [anyone’s] life”? Black jelly beans are delicious. Certainly better than “buttered popcorn” or “cotton candy”. Blech.

    I will find myself spending $8 on your recommended licorice.

  28. Judas, Stalin, Walt Disney and Jerry Falwell were all partial towards it, but hey, if ya wanna be in their fold fine..whatevs.

  29. I hear in Europe they really know how to do black licorice. Had a buddy from Denmark that used to say that the best black licorice would “make your unborn babies scream”.

  36. Salt licorice, dubbelzout or whatever, is fantastic stuff. Ammonia, then salt, then licorice — it’s not a flavor, it’s an adventure.

    I’m partial to horehound, too.

    And my favorite soda is Tab.

  37. The Finns are crazy about their salmiakki, which tastes like what would happen if you tried to pave an oceanfront deck with black jellybeans.

  38. A friend and I did a poll in high school and found that the smartest kids liked black licorice, and the people who vehemently hated black licorice were most likely to play sports or cheer. It was very scientific.

  39. If they are going on the taste of black jelly beans and black “red vine” style licorice then I can understand why they hate it. Good, soft licorice is the bomb.

  41. Yeah, we have some Finns at my work. They bring in salmiakki/salted licorice whenever they get back from Finland.

    It grows on you, though it kind of tastes like beef jerky if you think of it while eating it.

  44. God Lindy, you must be having an awful week with that Leaky Gut, Irritable Bowel, Herpes outbreak, Shingles, and Crohn’s Disease diagnosis.

    Uggh, and to top it off the doc just said, “Hey Lindy, for your scratchy leg, shitty ass, diseased vagina and leaking bowel, just go eat some Black Licorice. Warning though the side effect is bad breath.”

  45. Black licorice is foul. Yuck-0.

    You know what else does all that stuff, Lindy? Medicine. I don’t eat medicine for fun. OK, sometimes, but that’s not the point. Medicine isn’t supposed to be fun OR delicious and neither is black licorice.

    And one more thing: Ew!

  46. My love for Lindy West knows no bounds. Too bad she’s taken by Black Licorice.

    Have you ever really thought about the word licorice? It’s kinda grody.

    As a confirmed B.L.Lover – I wonder, do the Haters (you guys) hate Red Licorice too? Cuz I hate the Red variety. Talk about ass.

  47. Black jellybeans are about as licorice-flavored as red Jello is cherry-flavored. I thought I hated black licorice until a Finnish friend brought some over; now I love it. Salmiakki, too. She also adds the salty licorice to vodka, which nobody else will drink. This expectorant, tooth powder booze cures canker sores plus gets you wasted Finnish-style, which is very, very wasted.

  48. Dislike Dutch and Danish urine-flavored licorice; love allsorts, especially with the crunchy sprinkles on the outside; Panda is my fave (the moist boxed ones, not the bars). How does RJ’s compare to Panda, and should I make the effort to search out RJ’s on the Web?

    It’s not totally benign–too much of the good stuff can cause cardiac arrhythmia from the glycosides present in real licorice extract.

  49. There are rectangular, black-licorice caramels, individually wrapped in cellophane in the bulk foods department of Central Market in Poulsbo. Exquisite!

  52. I think Lindy just won Slog! 🙂 — and with that, I’m going to buy some $8 freaking licorice! –though panda is still tasty.

  57. A variety of licorice (not aniseed oil) is also in my prescription Chinese herbs. It helps with Liver Qi stagnation (for me, that means it keep my overactive girl hormones from turning me homicidal!), and also prevents prescription Chinese herbs from tasting like a rotting carcass, which has been known to happen.

    It’s okay, Lindy. I didn’t like black licorice until I had good taste, either. Someday, they will learn, just like us.

  59. Black licorice rules! Thank you Lindy!

    And Lenny @21 is correct about the absinthe connection. I always pick up a bottle of faux-absinthe at Duty Free whenever I come back from BC.

  62. There’s something wrong with the people where you work.
    In my workplace, the black jellybeans disappear first.
    Licorice allsorts will bring all work to a halt.

  64. Oh, I’m sorry, freakish black-licorice lovers. It’s almost like you all weren’t SCARRED by having to bring Irish soda bread with CARAWAY SEEDS to the ethnic food potlucks at school as a small child. How does that shit compare to fried spring rolls? Not well. Not well at all.

  65. Black licorice is delicious. But fnarf, I’m disturbed that you drink Tab. I haven’t even seen a bottle of Tab since the 70s.

  66. Soft black licorice is yummy, there’s a good brand from Australia available at Costco that is delicious. I have some in the kitchen, going to grab a few pieces now…

  67. ‘People who like the Grateful Dead are a lot like people who like licorice. Not everyone likes licorice, but the people that like licorice REALLY like licorice’.

  72. Black is the only licorice — Red Vines are merely a sort of floppy pasta with synthetic fruit flavor.

    But now I understand why we kids had a sort of Mr. and Mrs. Jack Sprat existence: I always got to eat as many black jelly beans as I wanted (taking a few reds and clears as palate cleansers.

  76. I LOVE the stuff! And, during my 4 years at The Stranger, I almost always had black licorice at my desk. People always stopped by to eat it. So, I’m thinking either all of the BL lovers in the office are in the closet about it, or people who work at The Stranger will eat anything.

  77. Lindy, this is the Kiwi/Aussie licorice right?

    When I was in New Zealand, they had MANGO flavored licorice. While I support black licorice, Kiwi Mango licorice beats all handily.

  78. Lindy, I love black licorice, and I love you. After your phenomenal psychic friends post I was all like, she’ll never top that, but then you did.

  79. You sound like my boyfriend… he accused me of stealing his Panda the other day, and I was like, “If I was drunk enough to eat it, I wouldn’t have been able to find my way home. Maybe it was a rat.”

  81. Black licorice lovers might do Fernet and Coke (and hang with Lindy).
    Black licorice haters always bong Coors (alone).

    An acquired taste that pays dividends.

  83. Panda is much more available, and not as expensive. Black goodness from squeaky-white Finland. Have been hooked on it for years!

  84. you’ve got to go to Bavarian Meats to find the best licorice in seattle. those who haven’t tried the real shit don’t understand. you’ll need to eat a solid ounce of it before you’re allowed to make a judgement. as i will, so mote it be.

  87. You don’t really have to say “black” licorice. Real licorice candy is black. The red stuff is not licorice. That’s why they are called red vines. I have also seen them called “strawberry whip” or something, although they taste absolutely nothing like strawberries.

    Good: Anise flavored liquor
    OK, but not exciting: common licorice
    Revolting: red vines

  97. Licorice is so good, it will turn the text in comment threads BOLD!!

    I love black licorice, and I’m not a terrible person. Morally weak at times maybe…

  99. When I was a kid, $8 bought 800 sticks of licorice but I could never find a store that carried that many at one time.I used to ride my bike all over West Seattle trying to feed my habit.Now I am in prison and I get all the licorice I can eat but I no longer like it much.If you know what I mean.

  103. Dad and I used to eat black licorice. I grew up with it. Swede and Danish. You can get the Austrailian traditional soft black licorice covered in chocolate at Walgreens. The licorice is made with molasses, when you bite it it is a little green inside and numbs your tongue a bit. It is heaven.

  106. Do you know why other candies don’t do any of those things? They don’t do any of those things, because they’re not intended to be medicine, they’re intended to be a snack, a treat. I’d much rather have regular medicine than black licorice any day, because I’m pretty sure that regular candy would be much more effective, and would taste much less awful.

    Now with that said, I just want to say that i have nothing against those who enjoy black licorice, I just simply do not enjoy it and think that it tastes awful. lol

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