Hey, you asshole: Thanks so much for coming in my restaurant while I was cleaning the floor and stealing my iPhone. I have no idea how you did it that fast. I had to work really fucking hard to buy that, and you just took it in two seconds, you fucking shitfuck. Pictures of my children are on there. I can never get them back only because you are too much of a piece of shit to buy your own phone. I used the Find My iPhone app to track you down. Of course it was an apartment complex, a really nasty dirty one at that. I hope all your neighbors know that a nasty iPhone-stealing motherfucker lives there. I hope by using my phone, you die of cancer.
To submit an unsigned confession or accusation, send an e-mail to email@example.com. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty.