Hey, guy I like: Remember how on Friday, over coffee at the overpriced yuppie place in Ballard, you were all like, "I'm in love with you. We will figure out all the stupid bullshit keeping us apart." And I was all like, "Yeah? I love you too! I'm so happy. OMG. So us? For realz?" And you were all like, "Yeah! I don't wanna live without you." And then we awesome fucked? On Saturday, I texted you twice with no response—and then only once on Sunday, because I'm not totally psycho. And you couldn't even be bothered to respond with a damn emoji?! Well, fuck you. I really needed a smiley or a sunflower or a heart or, God forbid, a thoughtful postcoital note from you. If that's too much to expect, I'm out! And I'm totally gonna tell you this to your face someday.