Wow! Is that terrible odor from a skunk? No. Is something burning in the furnace? No. Is there an old glass of milk sitting out? Yes! Wait, no. It's your hoodie. Yes, sigh. I'm sorry to say, you are so freaking cute, but so freaking stinky. How can you not know you are wearing sour clothes? I hope you have some kind of olfactory defect. Or else you are just... I don't know... gross. But you are really, really cute. Come over here, I'll buy you a new hoodie.

To submit an unsigned confession or accusation, send an e-mail to Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty.