There you are, a grown adult articulating a grown adult sentence about picking up your kids from school. But then something happens. Instead of saying regular words, you decide to say words that make you sound as if someone replaced your brain with drool. 

"Hey, sorry I’m running late for our get-together! I stopped by the school to pick up my kiddo, and he was playing with someone’s doggo, so it took longer than I thought! Ha ha ha, so cute... Ha ha ha.” 

I know language changes, and I know there’s no use fighting it. But what the fuck is going on? Just because you have a child doesn’t mean you need to talk like one. The cute synonyms for child that we already have are good enough! What’s wrong with kid? Or just saying the kid’s name?

I guess it’s better than calling your kid “the toddler” or “the five-year-old” in a knowing tone, as if he were the only "kiddo" in the world, as if you were the center of it.

---

Do you need to get something off your chest? Submit an I, Anonymous and we'll illustrate it! Send your unsigned rant, love letter, confession, or accusation to ianonymous@thestranger.com. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and the guilty.