Dear Seattle-Area Tesla Drivers,
You’ve probably noticed that your stickers aren’t helping. No one cares when you bought your Tesla or how you feel about the company’s CEO. No one is impressed that you’re using electricity instead of gas. That would have made your car special in 2012, but in Seattle in 2025? Not so much.
Those stickers have done little to deter the glares and middle fingers you so richly deserve, and you’re not willing to sell your car because—for some inexplicable reason—Tesla resale values are way down. What could possibly be the reason for all this hatred? What else could you possibly do?
Fortunately, there is something you can do. There is a concrete action you can take that the rest of us would truly, deeply appreciate:
FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU’RE FUCKING DOING YOU NARCISSISTIC FUCK
Every day, I see Tesla drivers more focused on their navigation screens than the world around them. Or hypnotized by their goddamn phones. Or just high on the absolute certainty that the world revolves around them. Hey techbros and techmoms! You’re operating dangerous heavy machinery! Start fucking acting like it! We are all trying to use the shitty infrastructure we have to the best of our abilities, and you are making everything worse.
One of you idiots backed out of a parking space at what seemed like freeway speed, ramming directly into me and my unmoving car. (Each new electric vehicle bigger and more powerful than the last! What could go wrong?) I guess this particular idiot couldn’t be bothered to (a) look in one of their three mirrors, (b) glance at the 55-inch dashboard display showing their backup camera feed, or (c) look over their goddamn shoulder to see if there was anyone behind them.
Want to change the rapidly solidifying stereotype of the Seattle-area Tesla driver? (Half as situationally aware as Priuses and twice as dangerous!) Then please: learn to drive like someone who isn’t a totally clueless, totally self-absorbed asshole.
Yours in exasperation,
Other Fucking People Who Do In Fact Exist
Do you need to get something off your chest? Submit an I, Anonymous and we’ll illustrate it! Send your unsigned rant, love letter, confession, or accusation to ianonymous@thestranger.com. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and the guilty.
Pro-tip: get rid of the self-indulgent bullshit from the first half of your rant about how it’s not 2012 and that you’re still going to flip off anyone who isn’t willing to flush tens of thousands of dollars down the toilet, then the second half about getting t-boned by an unaware jerk off driver will land a bit better. Otherwise it sounds like you might actually deserve it.
1 – Don’t stand up, your hard-on for Elon Musk is showing.
Tesla owners set the world record for fastest time from King Shit to dipshit.
@2 ooh zing, you really got me there. From hell’s heart—aka my mom’s basement—I stab at thee. But in all seriousness, this is really an all time great mischaracterization of another slog commenter’s personal and political beliefs. It’s possible to simultaneously loathe Elmo and think this poster is an asshole.
If one is saddled with a 30k car loan, and can’t sell the car because no one wants it, what exactly is the owner to do?
We have an electric truck (Ford F-150 Lightning), and we love it, but Teslas are too flaky for me.
All those people putting stickers on their Teslas in 2025 who didn’t care that he was a racist, transphobic, antisemitic, POS well before that can also F off, the sticker doesn’t absolve you.
You don’t like Trump but you were willing to overlook the white supremacism, transphobia, homophobia, and toxic masculinity he esposed well before 2025, and your choice of car reflects that.
He used your Tesla money to buy Twitter and reinstated white supremecists and conspiracy theorists and let racism, homophobia, antisemitism, and transphobia proliferate. He was the face of the company, and you bought the car anyway.
@6: Really? Lots of pro LGB, Jews, and support for folks who have gender dysphoria, as well as detransitioners, on X.
@Catalina
living so near to
a Major Hydroelectric
site, will you find Charging
stations in E WA, or will you just
get a really L O N G extension cord?
if there’s a Shortage, perhaps
that might give you a little
something to Do with
all your Free Time.
the
Joanny
Appleseed
of E WA EVCS?
with That hair?
Dude.
@6 Yep! All that was apparent. That said, the writer is way too self-righteous, and, per @2, is definitely getting off to Elon’s picture.
Kristofarian dear, there are plenty of fast charging clusters in WA state. Ellensburg is crawling with them, and even little Coulee City has a Tesla SuperCharger cluster.
good to hear!
Thnx, Catalina.