I took a gigantic bite out of each of the doughnuts our main industrial supplies vendor left you, then I re-boxed them neatly and left them next to the coffee pot for you to discover. I also spit the un-chewed bites into the trash—and I’m glad you actually saw them! You had an OCD-fueled managerial meltdown the likes of which I’ve never seen! After days wasted on your maintenance staff inquisition, it’s a pity your lengthy investigation process came up so completely fruitless! In the 10 months since this happened, you have not passed up an opportunity to express your rage about it, even when the opportunity had to be manufactured. Your tales of treachery at the coffee pot sound like bitter tears of defeat to me, and they still taste so sweet!
To submit an unsigned confession or accusation, send an e-mail to ianonymous@thestranger.com. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty.