Photos by Billie Winter

The days are short, and all of our horoscopes are screaming at us. Institutions are crumbling, LGBTQ+ communities are under attack, our political leaders are feckless, and the future is scary and uncertain. In times of anguish, we turn to the natural world for comfort. What we know for sure is that nature is eternal, nature is sexy, and nature is queer. The natural world sustains all life, is psychologically healing, and horny as hell. 

It is well known (largely thanks to Charles Mudede and Matt Baume’s tireless reporting) that Seattle has the most fuckable trees of any major metropolitan area. With the help of local expert Taha Ebrahimi—author of Street Trees of Seattle—we found some sultry cedars, some flirtatious firs, and some delicious deciduous trees that will give anyone of any gender wood for days. So put on your favorite ASMR or Dipsea and let the PNW whisper sweet nothings to you as you walk along the city streets lined with their photosynthesized erotic forms.

BOUBA Booty? Titty? Both? London planes have got the curves that keep us blushing. Why choose between one set of ass and tits when you can have as many as you’d like? At East Republican and Belmont Avenue—or any London plane tree around Seattle, for that matter—you can find tits out, cheeks out contours of all sizes!
LET YOUR IMAGINATION RUN WILD The plant world is not held back by convention, and the Hollywood juniper at East Roy and 16th Street is a prime example of nature’s unconstrained erotic expression. Limbs wrap around one another in every direction. Phallic and yonic forms blend and undulate—at once penetrating and engulfing—ebbing like waves yet emerging, strong, firm, immovable, and irresistible. Don’t let preconceived notions of what sex should look like hold you back from your desires. Just like a tree’s lust for sunlight makes it swell up from its roots, we are continuously growing into our tender and loved erotic selves. So if you ever need permission to unleash your deep seeded desires, trees will always remind us how utterly horny all Earth’s creatures can be.
TIDY AND LANDSCAPED We love some tangles around a happy hole. Run your fingers over some springy moss and feel intimate with the earth and its tender organisms. Moss seeks moisture, so it’s an unsurprising feature to find amidst the curves and crevices of Pacific Northwest trees. At 16th Avenue East and East Roy Street, two more London planes flaunt their curves.
SOMETIMES SEXINESS IS ALL IN THE PERSONALITY Some trees aren’t suggestive in shape. Sometimes they just have Big Trunk Energy and the confidence of an elder being. They embody a reassurance that comes from seeing a hundred winters come and go, and they remind us that the spring will always return. At 18th and John Street this deodar cedar is magnanimous and steadfast. The kind of tree you just want to be near. In its shade, you can take in a view of the Cascades mid-bike ride or find shelter from the rain while smoking a joint. Some trees got riz, and that makes them exactly the kind of reliable neighbor you booty call over and over again.
THAT'S A PENIS Sometimes you need to throw subtlety by the wayside. This robust vascular member can be found at North 80th Street and Stoud Avenue North and gives eastbound drivers on North 80th a full frontal flash of its girthy bough. This western red cedar has nothing to hide and will continue to make commuters blush for the foreseeable future.
TREES APPRECIATE YOUR GENTLE TOUCH Tactile, inviting, wrap your hands around some bark and see how it makes you feel. We met this birch on East John Street and 16th Avenue East, and she likes showing off.
RIPPLES OF ECSTACY At West Queen Anne Playfield, we see the signs of growth and life. Our bodies are a record of our past, and plants are no different. We are our experiences, but we are also the stories we tell ourselves. Treat all living things with care and tenderness, and you’ll find the sensuality of your world blossom and fill you with a deep spiritual connection, from leaf to root. We are a part of nature, and nature is part of us.