Dear Kendra the Kitten,
My boyfriend, Ryan, says that you’re not real and I can’t actually ask you questions. He says they’re all made up. Can you prove him wrong?
—Kaitlin, 27, Cap Hill
“Cap Hill”? I can’t believe you said that. Where are you from, Fresno? What are you going to ask me next, where’s the nearest In-N-Out Burger? While I would love to solve this disagreement for you, I’m way too busy not getting the coronavirus to think of some dumb way to prove to your dumb boyfriend that I exist. A dog in Hong Kong just tested positive for COVID-19, and ABC News says that while dogs and cats can’t pass the disease to humans, humans can pass it to us. Great! I’ve had mild diarrhea all week, and now this. Somehow I’m not sensing a lot of empathy from you. For the record—I was almost literally born yesterday and even I know this—it’s called “Capitol Hill.” If you and that dipshit you’re dating really must shorten it, it’s “the hill.”